Coming at you from Chicago, and for the past few years the Windy City has been one of the best crowds for any WWE event.
WARNING: Lengthly clip package before the show begins. It’s one of the unwritten laws of watching wrestling, like when a big man goes to the top rope or going for a pin just as the ref get’s knocked down. Nothing good comes after these actions. With what seemed like a five minute clip to start the show, I was already suspicious of this week’s RAW.
Oh, is it Susan G Komen / Breast Cancer month time? It always sneaks up on you like Christmas. I didn’t get you guys anything. Not even a GIF of two bouncing boobs. Well, I guess the WWE did that for us with Mercury and Noble running around the back looking for Ambrose. (The WWE can’t serve up a fastball down the pipe and not expect me to crush it into the seats, c’mon man!)
A special surprise on this week’s BEARcast - WrestleCast. The production values will amaze… Check out www.worldofbear.com and subscribe on iTunes.
So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 9/29/2014...
- Dean Ambrose (1) – Ambrose has the chance to go down as an all time great on the mic. Give him 5 -10 more years (and to think he’ll only get better) and he’ll be right up there with any of the great talkers. At this point he’s the Heath Ledger Joker from TDK sans makeup. Am I the only one who think he might have done something “inappropriate” with the briefcase? By inappropriate, I mean he fucked the case or at least dropped a load in it. His line towards Mercury and Noble being the cruiserweight division was great. (Who even knew Jamie-san Noble was still alive, let alone booking / agenting for the WWE?) Then he broke the 4th wall by pointing out the security actors were the same as the rosebuds. Ambrose is the Clown Prince of the WWE and I love it. And who doesn’t like free t-shirts? Give him one of those t-shirt cannons from NBA spirit squads and let him launch away.
- IC Championship Triple Threat match (3,4,6) – Ziggler / Cesaro / Miz (w/ Damien Miz-dow) It’s not gay for a man in his 30’s to have a hard-on over a ménage à trois that doesn’t involve a woman but three awesome wrestlers, right? What a match! Cesaro = power, Ziggler = skill, Miz = showmanship. I’m sure Miz is still soaking his face in hydrogen peroxide to get stink of Cesaro’s sweaty balls off his face after Ziggler used Miz to perform a fantastic nut-shot. A few more great moves by all and Ziggler ends up with the clean win. Great match. Did I already say that? Well, it deserves to be said once again. To cap the off this match, Miz and Miz-down at the end both working the leg injury, just FUCKING BRILLIANT!
- Miz-dow (3) – The greatness of this Miz / Miz-dow gimmick continues. Miz-dow not only speaking on behalf of The Miz but as if he was The Miz was FUCKING BRILLIANT. To bad you knew he was headed for the slaughter against Sheamus.
- Seth Rollins (2) – Letting the CM Punk chant go was nice, but he should have said, “If he was the best, he would still be here.” That’s how you get a Chicago crowd to throw some major heat at you. I loved Rollins’s line “personal items in MY briefcase.” Which of course reminds any cinephile of the following brilliant line from Fight Club, “Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article a dildo, never your dildo.” The best move Rollins has ever pulled off (which is saying a lot) was going up to the crowd and then, within seconds, showing back up on the ramp. What kind of black magic did he use to pull that off?
- John Cena (6) – Cena always gives a great performance in Chi-town. Had his interview with Young interrupted by Ambrose and is very good as the straight man of the two. The Second City was on fire with the Let’s Go Cena / Cena Sucks chants at the start of the match.
- Sheamus (8) – Took out Miz-dow and looks to be on a collision course with Miz, which is a good transition for both of them. Sheamus has been a revelation these past few months but has lacked a character spark. Hopefully teaming him up against Miz gives him the bump he needs (to help the WWE needs in the Heavyweight division) and he can drop the US belt to Miz without much of a diminishment in his status. This also frees Ziggler up to take his IC belt to the next opponent. If the long rumored IC / US belt consolidation is taking place, who better than an IC Ziggler vs a US Miz?
- AJ Lee vs Alicia Fox (9&N/A) – Paige was awesome and worked through the CM Punk chants like a champ. My only complaint; if you’re going to do a G-rated version of SCSA’s beer bath but with Sprite, at least learn to pop the tops of the cans before dropping them on poor AJ.
- Paul Heyman (N/A) – Ladies and Gentlemen, allow this man to be awesome. Do you care that Lesnar isn’t around as long as Heyman is there delivering each week? I don’t.
- Bray Wyatt (N/A) – True Detective would have been 15% better if Bray ended up being The Yellow King. Creepy as fuck, right? Almost makes up for his recent absence. This proves that 1) we should see Bray back soon and he’s not getting buried, and 2) this is Harper’s coming out party. Harper deserves the push. I just wonder what it means for the Wyatt family as a whole?
- The Dust Brothers (5) – We’ve gone through the comic book references for the Dust Bros’ blackboard. Next we need to see them rip off the Simpson’s opening with “Selling Goldust and Stardust will get you sent to Cosmic Jail." written over and over on the blackboard.
- Rusev w/ Lana (13) – Lana’s Skirt Slit is now my favorite part of Rusev’s gimmick. It’s a race to see if her neckline or her skirt slit will reach her waist first. There are no losers to that race. Also, we got to see that Rusev is a bit of a sexual deviant after hearing him speak. Maybe it’s best he not talk.
- HHH and Stephanie McMahon (16) – The Authority starts off the show and again Stephanie bring her A-minus wardrobe, very nice. Stephanie wonders, “Why do these people cheer for quitters?” (aka CM Punk) Well, because you put out interviews on the web teasing fans that CM Punk might come back. Also, if you don’t think you’re going to hear CM Punk get chanted in Chicago for the next 10 years until he comes back you’re fooling yourself. My biggest complaint was with HHH. By undercutting Miz and Miz-dow complaining to him about the bookings, he didn’t help their characters. The reason Miz and Miz-dow are so great is because in their bubble, they believe they are Movies starts, not just straight to DVD players (although, that was a great line). Sorry, HHH, gotta bump you down for trying to throw some shade on Miz’s heat. Their most egregious act was making the same dildo / vibrator reference that I made in the Rollins section!
- Korporate Kane and RKO (10,12) – With help from Rollins…with help from Rollins they… you know what, it doesn’t matter. I think they won but maybe they didn’t. All I know is that they stood victorious over Cena and Ambrose in the end. The show ended in a clusterfuck of main story lines. Here’s where you do feel the lack of Lesnar’s presence as champ. Can anyone explain to me what KK and RKO are doing?
- Bo Dallas (N/A) – “Hall of Bo-lievers” is something that the WWE should be building right now. Bo did some good mic work but even better job at putting Henry over in the first part of the match only to go on to get the upset and beat Henry. For Bo, this was a nice return to form.
- Mark Henry (14) – Things aren’t looking good for Henry. Loses to Dallas. After the break, Henry tries to crush Dallas backstage to regain some level of heat. Maybe not the worst flaw the WWE has ever done but it has to be in the top ten that they never found a great storyline for Henry in his 20 year career.
- The Big Show (N/A) – Big Show didn’t rip down the Russian flag for any storyline reasons. The man finally found a suitable blanket and figured who’s going to stop him from taking it.
- Slater & Gator w/ Mini-gator vs Los Matadores w/ El Torito (18&N/A) – On her way out, Vickie Guerrero must have told Slater where the McMahons’ dead bodies are. That’s the only reason I can tell why he’s still around. Slater / Gator have their own music now? We’ll save that for later. I must bask in my own glory as Bear-stradamous. Two words: Mini-gator! Who has two thumbs and predicted Mini Gator on Mini Bull action months ago? This guy!
- Adam Rose w/ Rosebuds and The Bunny (N/A) – When did RAW turn into a National Geographic show? I prefer to think of this mess like the start of a wacky episode of Chopped. Let’s see what the contestants can cook up using only Gator, Bull and Rabbit?
- Divas Match 2: B-Bella vs Cameron and Eva Marie (middle finger) – By the time this match came on, my hand had a mind of its own like in Evil Dead. It crawled to the remote and started to fast forward to the next segment. I swear, there was nothing I could do to stop it. It’s as if my body took maters in its own hands and wasn’t going to let me suffer through a second Total Divas based match.
- Total Divas match 1: Layla w/ Summer vs Rosa w/ Natalya and Tee-Jaaay (double middle finger) – Here comes the booking based on events 4 months ago. I believe one of the signs of the apocalypse is the day women’s hair extensions start falling out. Even Rosa’s weave tried to make an escape from this train wreck of a match.
Honorable Mentions
Jessie Jackson – Went from walking with Martin Luther the King to holding hands with The Bunny.
Best of Sting DVD – Get in the fucking ring already! WE get it.
Hogan – Seeing as how every woman in his life is blond and has huge fake boobs, I’m sure he honestly is against cancer riddled breasts. Good for him. If you don’t stand for anything, you stand for nothing. I’m 100% convinced those glasses have some form of Google-Glass technology so that he feed him the script the WWE needs him to read. Unfortunately, I don’t think he’s a good reader.
Side Note(s)
All jokes aside, go to www.komen.org/wwe to donate to a good cause.
Theme music – The only thing wrong with Dean Ambrose is his music. Frankly, multiple superstars are all using such generic-copycat themes that it makes it hard to remember whose is whose. Aside from the first few seconds; Ambrose, Cesaro, Rollins and the Miz all sound the same. Maybe I’m an old grump screaming at the kids to get off my lawn but what happened to variety?
Until next week…
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