WWE Power Rankings, RAW 1/13/2014

Coming at you from Providence, with the Royal Rumble just weeks away, the WWE is in full swing.  All day I wondered, with great anticipation, whether tonight’s RAW was going to be as cool, calm, funny and all-around pimp as Leonardo DiCaprio or awkwardly drunken, lost, past-their-prime-and-barely-keeping-it-together star (who you might still have sex with after 8 - 12 beers) as Jacqueline Bisset at last night’s Golden Globe Awards.  Last week’s Old School RAW was filled with star power and great surprises (everyone is still talking about Jake the Snake’s return) but was a little thin on story.  When setting the DVR, the notes said this was the “biggest RAW of the year!”  Since it’s just the second RAW of the year, I can’t wait to see what they have in store for us (sarcastic font, make yourself known to me!!!!).  I’m assuming lots of “Bryatt” action and more info on the big 30-man Rumble lineup.      So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 01/13/2014…

Tonight’s show was completely opposite of last week’s RAW.  Whereas last week we had a “talent” heavy show with tons of past and present Superstars, this week was thin on the wrestlers but packed with story and plot.  Also the official unveiling of the WWE Network was huge (more on that below).

1. Daniel Bryan (2) – Armed only with superior wrestling skills, a one word chant in “YES!” (which is more over than any chant since maybe something from The Rock?) and an unkempt man-scaping approach that makes the Wyatt Family’s hair decisions look like high society.  The announcers had it correct after the opening match with the Usos, this is strange…  To the writers’s credit (and by the end we could see it was also due to time) there were no words spoken but you feel like you got a lot of story from the match.  The opening match wasn’t great but it wasn’t bad, it just was.  I figured another week and the “Bryatt” saga will continue.  But then a funny thing happened on the way to the steel cage match.  Whether this was the plan all along or the outside pressure of fans across the wrestling world force the WWE’s hand, the Daniel Bryan Switch-a-roo was perfectly played out.  This was a PPV level finish.  I joked that this show was promoted as the “biggest show of the year” but when 2015 comes around, don’t be surprised if we’re not still talking about this one.  Even when the rematch was announce and  when they said it was going to be a steel cage match, I figured for sure WWE would stretch this out until the Rumble.  It wasn’t until Kane was going to chain the door shut did something set off my Spidey-senses.  It wasn’t until both Usos landed outside the cage and won the match did I think, “Is this really happening, tonight?”  It wouldn’t be the first time some big action was set up, only to have the plot continue further down the road (just see The Shield breakup for an example of the long game).  When Bryan didn’t go down to the second Sister Abigail, the crowd went APE SHIT.  Bryan out smarted The Wyatts (maybe / maybe not with help from his former partner Kane) into a sealed off / one-on-one showdown with the patriarch of the family who’s been torturing him.  Great performance.  “Show Stopping” one might say.  (For those of you that still don’t get it, who trained Bryan?)
   
2. Wyatt Family (2) – I’m an unabashed mark for the Wyatt Family, especially Bray Wyatt.  I’ve routinely put them higher than they belong on this list.  Fortunately I’m not the only one who seems to be a big fan.  The WWE brass seem to always be giving Bray a big push.  How much was this a Bray Wyatt push compared to a Daniel Bryan coming out party?  It doesn’t matter in the end because it all worked out beautifully.  Bray showed why his skills are deserving of the push.  One of the little things you can watch to see how good a wrestler is, is how they corner an opponent.  Do they do it half assed as just another move in the match or do they take it to the next level and give the corner-ing 100%?  Bray, furiously stopping opponents and making a spectacle of how he rests in a corner showed you that he’s the real deal in-ring.  I’m going to assume that this feud between The Wyatt Family and Daniel Bryan will continue into the Rumble.  All I can say is “Yes Yes Yes!!!”  Now the ball is in The Wyatt’s court to see if this run has legs. 
   
3. The Usos (8) – I was afraid that jobbing to the “Bryatt” storyline was beneath them and would only go to dropping their status but by the end of the night, they were the perfect opponents in the “Bryatt” story.  They were strong performers to open the show (again, not knowing where we were headed I was a little skeptical of the opening match) and I was surprised they won.  By the second win I realized what the bigger picture was and saw that it was a honor for The Usos to be apart of the overall plan but to give them two great wins which wasn’t going to take away from the finish of the show, another fantastic job.  And what do you know, The Usos spoke!!  Now we can see why they don’t speak, let’s move on.  Just joking, it wasn’t that bad.  The WWE is going for something with the split screen and the Samoan-ese (someone will have to tell me what that is) was different.  They’ve earned the right to build their character so I’ll give them a lot of rope before I make any final judgments on their shoot abilities.  Let’s see what happens when they’re the centerpiece of a feud.  They definitely were in the wake of the main event but there’s a lot of worse places to be.  Great night, topped with a loving kiss.  See, it’s ok because they’re brothers.  Nothing gay going on here.  “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”    
   
4. CM Punk (1) – You know you’re big when they have other wrestlers come out just to give you the proper hype before your hype music hits.  Normally I’d find this overly indulgent but for some reason Punk embodies the old DX aura and it works.  It wasn’t too long into the match when we saw what the WWE has been dropping hints at.  The conspiracy theory of HHH vs Punk at WM30 grew louder with NAO ditching Punk.  First it was HBK taking on Punk a few weeks ago and now the NAO.  Either HHH is behind this whole thing or The 1-2-3 Kid is about to make the greatest comeback ever.  I’d have to think the XPac / Chyna sex tape probably sealed the deal with any return, or should I say non-return.  Although it wouldn’t surprise me, and who doesn’t love to boo Sean Waltman, if next week X-Pac is coming.
5. The Shield (3) – You’re not going to hear me complain about a Shield vs NAO / Punk tag match.  With seeing how the Punk storyline looks to be playing out, The Shield took a backseat on this RAW.  I wonder what this leaves The Shield to do at RR?  They don’t seem to be in any particular match, so will they be in the Rumble?  If so, is this where they really start to break up OR do they come together and destroy the other 27 contestants?  Or maybe both, destroy and then someone has to win?  The Shield has earned a long leash and I’ll let things ride out.  Rollins’ long sleeve look is great!  It’s one of those small things that seems silly but since no other wrestler rocks the long sleeves, it makes him stand out.  Many of the wrestlers want to take everyone to the “gun show” (by no means do I mean to say Rollins isn’t in shape) but this accentuates he’s spider-like frame.  Or maybe Reigns used up all the arm-butter backstage?  I’d like to put an end to “the mechanic, the punisher and the fox” right now.  Those are completely stupid and superfluous.  Lastly, excellent flying kick by Reigns.  He needed something to pair up with the Superman punch.  
   
   
6. Damien Sandow (16) – There’s jobbing for a paycheck and then there’s jobbing for a purpose.  Sandow jobbed a fantastic match to Cena.  This loss did more for Sandow than any win in the last few months.  I know you can say he lost another match but when you put over the Face of the WWE, everyone notices.  The writers, the WWE and most importantly Cena can say, “You remember how that Sandow / Cena match killed, let’s use Sandow on the next __?___.”  I was just watching an interview with Stone Cold Steve Austin and one of his biggest points was that no matter the opportunity, you make the most of it and force people to take notice of you.  Sandow did that.  Well done.
7. John Cena (6) – This was a huge “Cena” crowd.  Close enough in geography to expect a pro Cena crow but the Cena haters were in full force as well.  Sure enough, Cena’s dad was in attendance.  Can’t help noticing the Hulk Hogan-esque undroos he was wearing.  As we know there’s nothing on screen that isn’t for sale or has a meaning.  So thank you, John Cena, for having a million conspiracy theories and thoughts of what your underwear choice means for the next few days.  I “plead the fifth” on whether I’ve already googled John Cena Underwear. The theory (screw it, my theory until someone else claims it) of Cena rising to the competition was in full affect as Sandow brought the best out of Cena.  Then we have this picture.  From the discovery of the third Gallagher brother to the kid who is in utter shock to Cena horribly asking everyone for just a little space, ‘cause that’s all you need (just a tad bit of space) when you father’s face is bashed in and the perpetrator is standing just feet away from you.
   
8. Heyman (7) – Heyman on the mic is magic.  From the way he says Brock Lesnar to even when he starts to stumble over his key points, he’s able to bring it back so smoothly as if he was reading a script.  I can’t praise the in-ring workers for their skills and not praise Heyman for his mic skills.  Heyman is to a mic what Ziggler / HBK / Hart are in the ring.  That’s why Punk is so good, he’s high in both categories. 
9. Goldust and Cody Rhodes (4) – Have we seen the first seeds of dissension between the Rhodes brothers?  The Rumble is the perfect place to hammer the nail in what will become the ultimate “brother vs brother” match at WM30.  They get the win and continue their in-ring dominance.  
10. Randy Orton (5) – I’m a huge RKO fan but I’ve got to acknowledge how dead the crowd was during his match.  I can usually defend my man but tonight I have no excuses.  Three segments for the RKO / Kofi / Cena’s dad bit?  Not even Kofi made this match exciting or entertaining.  Is it my imagination or is RKO vs Cena’s father deja-vu to around 2006?  Not to go all SNL but REALLY?  REALLY Cena and Orton?  REALLY, we’re supposed to act like this wasn’t boring 5 years ago?  REALLY, Cena’s dad has nothing better to do than get his ass kicked by RKO once a decade like a comet flying through the WWE universe?  This picture says it all.  The kid who’s being tortured by his father (which will be me someday) to RKO roaming around aimlessly in a Fugue State to even the King question the father’s parenting techniques (this from a man whose son became Grand Master Sexay, WTF?).  Father of the year and fan of the night all in the same picture, ladies and gentlemen.
    
11. Kofi Kingston (N/A) – Did Kofi really need to announce that he was going to be in the Rumble?  Here’s some breaking news, bears shit in the woods and the Pope is Catholic.  What else was Kofi doing on Rumble night?  Giving “rusty trombones” to the fans outside the area?  My pet peeve from 2013 reared it’s ugly head again.  The infuriating “clean win vs a champion with no title being exchanged.”  I’m all for Kofi to get a win over someone like RKO.  I’m not sure Kofi is due a championship run yet, but he could someday.  I just can’t get over these non-title-changing wins!  Kofi beat RKO in a clean victory.  If you want to have any integrity Kofi is the new Champ.  STOP DOING THIS ASAP, WWE.
12. Korprate Kane / Brad Maddox (N/A) – There’s been a nice back and forth between these two going back to the holiday break shows.  Am I the only one who thinks there’s something up with Kane?  Is it the big Wyatt seed?  Or a Daniel Bryan connection?  Or possibly the return of the monster?  The mask in the “break in case of emergency glass” is always in the background of late.
13. The New Age Outlaws (N/A) – These guys can still bring the hype and in short bursts they can put on a good match.  It helps to have Punk as a partner and The Shield as your opponents.  You had to know something was up when they came out for a second week in a row after essentially the same bit on the Old School RAW.  Can we lock down the HHH / Punk feud for WM30 now or do we need to see more to make that assumption?  One last thing.  Road Dogg embraced his physique (or lack of one) a long time ago, can someone explain to Billy Gunn that he’s loosing the hairline battle to father time?  It’s ok.  Let it go and age with grace.  But then again, maybe I’m not giving the guy enough credit for committing.  He’s rocked that hair through since the 90’s and even through the Billy and Chuck days (another gimmick that I with age grows fonder in my memory and I wonder if it could work in today’s WWE as a pride angle instead of a joke).  
    
14. Alberto Del Rio (12) – It’s clear to everyone with a TV and eyes to what ADR is doing, taking out all the other Mexican wrestlers, so why not work the plot more.  I don’t know what it is yet but there’s something there with taking out Sin Cara and now Mysterio.  I’m not jumping off the ADR bandwagon just yet.  He’s got too much talent.  
15. Rey Mysterio (15) – I’m still wondering what to thing of Rey’s work.  50% of the match he looks like he’s about to fall over like my 72 year old stepfather and the other 50% of the time he looks like he’s Lucha-Libre Rey and he’s flying around the ring.  I know it’s hard to do a solo, pop up window shoot about the Royal Rumble but the one Rey did was terrible.  Just let him wrestle and have the announcers pump up his Rumble entry.  I can’t recall a time when Rey’s been good on the mic.  If he hasn’t gotten it down by now, let’s chalk that up to it’s never happening.  Feel free to surprise me and change my mind.  I’ve only watched you for 10+ years and I can’t remember one good promo?  
16. The Big Show (11) – It’s hard for me to make fun of a guy who obviously went out of his way to make a special moment for a kid in the crowd.  On the other hand, I’d hate to disappoint all the people who think I’m a complete asshole, sooooo… to watch The Big Show lumber down to the ring with his pigeon-toed trot is either a fun exercise or the sign to go to the bathroom and/or make a sandwich (depending on your state of intoxication while watching RAW).  When will the WWE listen to “The Big Show is best in small doses?”  I thought they had the Big Show formula down when he beat Swagger in a few short minutes but then…it…just…had…to…go…on…and…on…  While I’m all for the humiliation of Zeb and any of the Real Americans, switching Big Show into the Big Joke never works for me.
17. The Real Americans w/ Zeb (13) – I do love Zeb’s new gimmick of the outrageously huge sign.  Throw in a slightly offensive pun on each side, and I’m in.  Sorry, I’m a sucker for old school evil managers.  Swagger quickly jobbed to Show but that wasn’t enough.  Oh no, we had to waste more time when Zeb got the world’s biggest “goosing” and then got knocked out.  Once again, the only smart one on this team is Cesaro for getting out of that situation ASAP. 
18. AJ Lee / Tamina vs Cameron / Naomi (20) – I know it’s my job to make sense of this thing we call wrestling but I don’t know what to make of this Divas match?  Was it good?  Was it a waste of time?  I’ll save you all and do the internalizing of whatever this is?  All I know is AJ having the record for title reign is good.  Also, AJ’s Harley Quinn act works perfectly as well and is the only time Tamina’s character is working, as her “heavy/enforcer.”
19. Ryback (17) – “Ryb-axel” is baaaa….. Look, I really don’t have the energy to write about these two nimrods.  The Ryback experience went off the rails a few months ago.  The only thing to make his gimmick work is pairing him up with Axel.  That’s only because Axel is so bad.  If the only thing I can point out as mildly watchable is that he sure has that stupid hand clap gesture down, you know you’re in trouble.   
20. Curtis Axel (18) – Mr. Perfect is flawlessly spinning in his grave.  Nuff said.

Honorable Mentions

Batista – No longer can I just make fun of the worst kept secret that the WWE tried to pull on us.  Batista would have been an awesome surprise entry on the Rumble but I also understand if they wanted to bring him out the week before.  Now his hype might be getting too big for him to live up to.  Am I the only person who remembers that Batista wasn’t that great?  There’s a reason he left the WWE and it wasn’t because of injury or a blossoming acting career.  Batista has been lucking in his roll of the Hollywood dice.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m curious to see Batista return and given time, I think he has a story to tell but we know he’s not going to be in the WWE long enough to tell any stories.  The Rock made a huge commitment and The Rock is a showman like no other.  Batista isn’t / was never near that level.  Expect for a great return moment but then let’s see what he and the WWE have in store for us.

The Ultimate Warrior – Wait a second, this needs more than just a little HM one liner… The Ultimate FUCKING Warrior is going to back on WWE television!?!?!?  God I loved him as a kid, and God is he out of his mind.  Trying to explain to my girlfriend, the insanity that was and is the Ultimate Warrior is impossible.  The classic clip from Arsenio is all you need to know about Ultimate Warrior and the possible alleged steroid use.  Does this look like a guy on steroids to you?

This is so big, I had to grab another screen shot.  I love the Standard Definition colors.  The Warrior was meant for SD.  High-Def just brings out his flaws.  Look at this beast and ask yourself  how anyone could not love this guy back in the Hogan era.  In the wild-west days of the 80’s and early 90’s you could get away with this.  Not in today’s WWE locker room.  

Side Note(s)

The WWE Network – We now know more info on what is essentially WWE-Netflix-ToGo.  Even better than just On Demand, its also 24-7 programming.  $9.99 per month and every, EVERY, PPV!  I’m sold just on that.  Yet again, because the WWE is willing to try everything and anything (for good or bad) to entertain the fans (and make money) the WWE will either have the model for the future of entertainment or at the very least make an impact on the next generation of home content delivery.  I love Bill Simmons and grantland.com.  On a recent BS Report, Bill and his friend Gus pointed out the innovations and fingerprints that McMahon’s failed XFL still has on today’s current NFL.  Maybe the XFL never had a chance against the NFL because it ultimately comes down to the level of competition and while the XFL had some quality players, they couldn’t compete with the rosters the NFL teams had.  But never let anyone tell you the XFL didn’t give the NFL a good scare.  On field cameras, more access to the players and techniques to try anything to be different and get more eyes on their product is still scene in the NFL today.  The Sky-cam and Hard Knocks probably aren’t around if not for the XFL. 

I’ll tell you one person who’s not hoping for a successful WWE Network launch?  Barack Obama!  If the WWE can pull off a successful and seamless launch after RAW on February 24th, god help us from the horrible jokes FOX News is going to try to make in comparing the WWE Network to healthcare.gov 

You probably never expected to read as much as you did regarding 1-2-3 Kid / X-pac as you did earlier.  Do yourself a favor, goggle X-Pac and you’ll find one of the top stories is “how he tore his anus” last year.  If not for bad luck, some people would have no luck at all.

Here's another great example of today's Cena crowd:

Until next week…