WWE Power Rankings, RAW 3/17/2014

Coming at you from San Antonio, what better way to celebrate St. Patty’s Day than to sit back with a nice cold 40 oz. of Mickey’s bigmouth and watch some rasslin’?

Life is short, and if you’re a watcher of the television series Walking Dead and subscribe that it’s more of a documentary / preparatory guide to the upcoming End of Days when the “dead shall rise" rather than an entertainment program bastardized from one of the best comic books ever written, you might think mankind’s rule over the earth is soon to come to an end.  If this is true, humans have been merely a shooting start that shined bright for only a short period of time on an earth that is over four billion years old.  

Last night may have been the end to another shooting star but this one flew across the wrestling universe.  During last night’s post-show to The Walking Dead, “Talking Dead,” wrestling fans might have been witness to the end of something that has been rumored but we fans have refused to believe for some time.  We may have seen the last of the unforgettable and brilliant shooting star of Phillip Brooks aka CM Punk.  Punk, a comic book fan and a previous guest on the Talking Dead show, was introduced as Phil Brooks with a twitter handle of @CMPunk but not WWE Superstar nor “former” WWE Superstar nor wrestler CM Punk.  Just Phil Brooks (sometimes host Chris Hardwick mentioned he’s also known as CM Punk) but other than a few quick drops, all that sat on the couch was Phil Brooks, Walking Dead fan.

Wrestlers never fully retire and Punk is way to young to say that you’ll never see him in a ring again but as of now it seems that CM Punk is truly done with wrestling.  Keep in mind, by the time I’m done watching the next three hours of RAW I could very easily have to retract everything I just said.  This still could be the greatest shoot of all time or just Punk’s way of taking time off.  HBK was gone for multiple years before healing up and getting back in the ring for another half decade of superior matches.  Punk is much younger than when HBK first left due to injury.  We often forget that these performers are essentially putting themselves though the equivalent of a car crash at 80 MPH each match, four of five times a week.  It’s a job that comes with great rewards but it also has huge consequences and demands on one’s body and soul.  

Speaking of demands on one’s body and soul, my “hate-watch” must TV program is back on.  Total Divas is back and I promise to give my opus to why I can’t stand this show.  It’s much deeper than just a distain for reality television, which deepening on the show I actually love.  I was there for Real World season 1 when it reality was just “seven strangers picked to live in a house…” and not a drunken feeder show for The Challenge.  Before 20 women pretended to find the man of their dreams via a series of televised “dates” and creepy sexual encounters that walk the line of pornography on network television.  Back when “Housewives” were called moms and just took you to school.  Oh, look at me, I’m becoming old and curmudgeonly right before your eyes.  The point being, Total Divas is back.  I suffered through the first episode last night.  More to come on that later. 

With WrestleMania 30 (and Game of Thrones, oohhhhhh I think we might just need a GoT special edition next week!) just three weeks away, there’s a ton to get to.  Most of the main battle lines for WM30 have been set but there’s still a few loose ends left and stories to be tightened up on.  If you listened to the BEARcast last week, and I can’t imagine an excuse not to (new episode will be up this Thursday), then you’ll have heard some interesting theories / results for WM30 and Fred “The Oracle” came out of left field with a NWO fantasy booking that is so crazy that it might just work.  Also, it seems I’m the only one left on Boo-tista island and both Fred and Dustin have jumped onto the Batista bandwagon.  Now that the CM Punk mystery that’s been hanging over our heads is put to rest (for now) we can lock in to what we see in the ring.  This is usually the week that most of the WM30 card is set and then the next two Mondays will dedicated to fleshing out and hyping up said WM30 card.  It’s all very exciting.

So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 3/17/2014…

1. HHH (7) – Being the opening act on RAW and kickstarting a show is one thing, to make me interested in the Batista / RKO main event at WM30 is a monumental task that only a trained professional should attempt.  HHH makes Power Rankings history and gets two spots this week.  HHH, Batista and RKO put on a better shoot than I ever thought was possible.  Interjecting himself was such a HHH / “Clique” move.  We know the WWE listens to it’s fans, or the WWE wouldn’t have moved heaven and earth to get Daniel Bryan (and possibly HHH) in the main event at WM30 and HHH wouldn’t have thrown out the “Hollywood Movie Star” and “Technically gifted” shots at Batista / RKO if they weren’t listening to the fans and scrubbing through twitter and dirt sheet websites.  I loved the whole opening.  Even down to RKO taking out Boo-tista and giving us some classic RKO posturing.  I’d still bet on Bryan somehow advancing into the main event and winning the title against RKO and Batista BUT now at least there’s some intrigue and possibilities.  Last week I was joking that HHH reverse “Clique’d” himself by all but guaranteeing that he’ll have to job to Daniel Bryan at WM30.  This week, HHH pulled an actual “Clique” move by basically telling Bryan the old “If Bret won’t do what’s best for business, we’ll do it for him.” right to his face.  It was really interesting seeing the Cerebral Assassin / Backstage Manipulator being contrite and almost showing some humanity.  Almost…
   
2. HHH and Stephanie (7) – Of course this was all a ruse to teach Bryan the ultimate lesson that you don’t cross The Authority and to show that HHH is indeed in in-ring shape.  Anyone that’s had a relationship with someone longer than six months has gone through the same arguments (and looks) that HHH and Stephanie were having.  The reason why it worked is because it was so real.  I couldn’t help but laugh.  When it turned out to be a setup by The Authority, I had to give them a standing ovation.  Not that you couldn’t see it coming from a mile away but that it came off so well is why it worked.  When HHH and Stephanie look like they’re having fun (even when they’re being awful people) its pure gold.  HHH even got in some shots at CM Punk when he referred to other people “taking their ball and going home.”  It was a great night for HHH and Stephanie.  In a two week span they were able to make the WM30 main event more interesting, give Bryan an unforgettable RAW moment AND get their revenge for said moment.  It’s why you can almost never etch anything in stone when it comes to WWE storytelling.  You’ve got to give the WWE credit for scripting out stories six months to a year in advance but also having the balls to change directions two weeks prior to the biggest event of the year.  The only negative item I have to point out is that the WWE creative is screwing up when they have HHH saying that he’s sorry for doing all this bad stuff to Bryan because it’s what’s “best for business” over the loud backdrop of the fans screaming YES YES YES!  By them pretending to not acknowledge the crowd, which we know they do, we can extrapolate that Bryan is walking out of the Superdome as the WWE champion (pure guess). 
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
3. Daniel Bryan (1) – Have you seen the movie Now You See Me?  It came out last year and was about magicians pulling off robberies.  It starred Woody Harrelson, the guy from The Facebook movie, Borat’s real-life wife and the other Franco kid.  95% of that movie is great and 5% is bad.  The 5% that’s bad is SO bad that it pisses me off every time I watch it.  What makes that 5% even worse is that it’s the ending.  Without giving anything away, the reveal at the end is so stupid.  It was clear that the director, writer and producers spent so much time working on the execution of the plot I think everyone forgot to stop and ask themselves, “Is the ending any good?”  That’s the direction that I feel we’re headed with Bryan.  HHH admitted the hell he’s put Bryan through these past few months.  My concern is, do they have an ending that will satisfy us?  We can only assume, the WWE wants to end WM30 with the Superdome chanting YES YES YES.  But the anticipation and build up has been so great that unless Bryan decapitates HHH and then moves on to have one of the best triple threat wins in the history of wrestling, it’s going to be a letdown.  We’ve seen Bryan “win” the championship already and overcome all the obstacles that have been placed in his way.  The bar for everyone to put Bryan over is so high, I’m afraid we’re all going to be let down by the ending.  That’s not to say the WWE and Bryan can’t pull it off.  Bryan’s match with RKO was going great (until Batista had to show up) so we know the participants can pull it off.  But if the show ends with some odd spear by Batista to take out RKO and Bryan falls on top for the 1-2-3 to finally win, that’s going to suck.  This is why I’d rather RKO or Batista win at WM30, to temper down anticipation AND then have Bryan win it at the next PPV.  Maybe I’m scared.  I just want a good WM30 and a great ending.  Even with blockbuster movies, great endings are hard to come by.  It’s like in the movie Seven when Morgan Freeman tells Brad Pitt, “If we catch John Doe and he turns out to be the devil, I mean if he's Satan himself, that might live up to our expectations, but he's not the devil. He's just a man.”
4. Batista (9) – I’m supposed to trust a guy to play Drax “The Destroyer” who can’t remember two lines of script in a wrestling ring?  Fortunately, Drax doesn’t speak much and unlike live TV, I’m sure they had multiple takes.  What’s more disconcerting than a few botched lines is that it seems like Batista forgot how to do the Batista-bomb?  Based on the crowd, I truly am the last one to jump on the Batista bandwagon because Fred “The Oracle,” Dustin “The Doc-ta” and now the crowd in San Antonio, who were cheering “one more time,” seem to all be riding the Batista bandwagon.  At the very least, I’ll say that he’s the WWE’s greatest sunglass model.  
   
5. Randy Orton (8) – The Viper has been laying in the weeds long enough and it was time he showed up on RAW and actually wrestled.  RKO proved once again that he’s a talented wrestler and knows how to work a match as a heel.  RKO also came out at the beginning of the show and stole the opening from Batista and HHH with verbal attacks and physically dropped Batista which, for the moment, had us believing that Batista was re-evaluating his choice to come back to the WWE.  It was a good night for RKO.  Unfortunately, I don’t think he’s going to have much luck at WM30.  At least we got some old school RKO-ing.
   
6. The Usos (4) – Michael Cole’s Smackdown re-cap opened the door for the Rhodes brothers to possibly sneak into the Tag Team Championship match.  I really hope the WWE doesn’t cop out at WM30 with just a rematch of the Usos vs NAO.  If the WWE is going to hold off the Rhodes Brother vs Brother angle, they can certainly hold off the Real American split and give us a great fatal 4-way tag championship match at WM30.  
7. The Shield (2) – Can anyone tell me what The Shield is doing at WM30?  It’s extremely odd that the WWE’s top (or one of their top five) assets don’t have anything to do at WrestleMania?  Seeing how they came together to take on Kane just cemented the fact that The Shield can last as a group AND at the same time each member can have individual success.  I love the idea that each member of The Shield could hold a separate individual belt, WWE / IC / US titles all at the same time.  Is it just me or has Rollins become the leader of the Shield?  Each week it seems that someone new steps up to lead the group.  Last week it was Reigns and prior to that it was Ambrose.  I don’t know how many times or ways I can say how awesome they are.  Now if we could only figure out what they’re going to do at WM30?    
   
   
   
   
8. John Cena (7) – I gotta give credit when credit is due.  He can shoot.  Clearly, Cena’s taking it light in order to heal up for his match against Bray at WM30.  I’m fine with it.  If you give me the choice between some junk matches with Cena vs Rowan and / or Harper that could further injure Cena and jeopardize a quality match with Bray at WM30 or just let Cena and Bray shoot at each other; I’ll take a few weeks of great promos.  Cena and Bray are engaged in a nice verbal dance.  It might not be the most hyped Cena match in WrestleMania history but it very well could be one of his best.  Fan of the night goes to this household divided.  I know your struggles my friend… 
   
9. The Wyatt Family (5) – You know what I said about how, regardless of how you feel about Cena, he can shoot?  Well, Bray Wyatt ain’t too bad either.  Last week I worried about Cena taking the wind out of the “character” of Bray Wyatt by attacking his absurd aspects.  This week it was Bray’s time to shoot at Cena “real life” characteristics.  Bray held back few punches and went for the jugular with shots fired at Cena’s merchandise hawking and “plastic girlfriend”!  Well played, sir.  The next thing you know, Bray gets a Eminem mashup?  Talk about pushes.  Quietly, Bray has gotten on of the biggest pushes I’ve seen in some time.  It’s gone largely unnoticed because when Bray and the rest of the Wyatt Family are fighting, they’ve been stealing the show so it doesn’t really stick out that their getting a push, they’re getting what they deserve.  I was very excited to see what Kofi and Bray were going to do in the ring together but unfortunately they only got a few minutes.  They made the most out of it and it was a solid match but I’d love to have seen it gone on longer.  It seems that I’m starting a collection of The Wyatt Family portraits standing over fallen opponents.
   
10. Goldust w/ Cody Rhodes (3) – We finally got a taste of the old Goldust!  Albeit a very toned down / PG rated version of Goldust, it was nice to see some classic Goldust eccentricities. 
    
    
    
    
11. The Real Americans w/ Zeb (13) – No matter how well Swagger performs of late, Cesaro keeps topping him.  All-in-all, Swagger was pretty good against the Usos but it wasn’t until Cesaro pulled off another fantastic move (his european uppercut is devastating) that the Real Americans were able to get the victory.  Even in victory, Cesaro separates himself from Swagger.  It seems their feud / breakup is on hold for this week.  I couldn't tell if Zeb was gesturing on how to work together or showing his crew where the people are in the steeple? 
    
12. Heyman, Brock Lesnar’s advocate (11) – “Ladies and Gentlemen…Texans.”  I love you Paul Heyman!  Both Heyman and Charles Barkley find the citizens of San Antonio less than human, and I wouldn’t dare go against the words of Paul E Dangerously and The Round Mound of Rebound.  Have you ever seen someone able to pontificate and stretch out calling their opponent “old”?  Heyman spent five minutes just to say The Undertaker was old.  It was beautiful.
13. 8-man tag match: Big Show / Ziggler / Big E / Henry vs ADR / Sandow / Ryb-Axel (18,N/A,12,N/A,N/A,14,19) – If you wanted to get a taste for what the 30-man Battle Royal is going to look like, here you go.  From the moment it started, the crowd was chanting boring.  It was hard to hear what was going on from my seat in the bathroom.  Luckily I finished up just in time to see the end and move on to the next segment.  I’d put my money on Big Show or Big E (assuming he’s not defending the IC belt) to win the Battle Royal.  I suppose the best we can hope for is that 22-26 men get tossed out and we’re left with half a dozen underused wrestlers like Ziggler and Sandow to put on a good show.  Who are we fooling, Big Show is just going to be tossing people out of the ring one by one and we’ll get the classic shot of 10 wrestlers trying to get Big Show over the top rope.  
14. Kofi Kingston (N/A) – Poor Kofi, jobbing out again but at least this time it was to one of the top characters in the WWE.  There was no chance that Kofi was going to win but I’d have loved to see a two segment match between Kofi and Bray.  Too bad but at least he faired better Damien Sandow’s silly run out last week.  At least he got to perform.
15. Korporate Kane (17) – If for two-seconds the WWE thinks that Kane vs The Shield at WM30 is in anyway acceptable, there will be a brick flying though the TV on April 6th.  I thought that Kane and The Shield were on the same side but after The Authority’s Director of Operations was put down by The Shield, I don’t know what’s next for Kane.  I’m sure we’ll learn more in the next two weeks because you can’t have Kane and The Shield doing nothing at the biggest event of the year.  Maybe Kane will “hire” some enforcers and put on 6-man tag.  The enforcers can be surprise new WWE Superstars or a group of up and comers from NXT?
16. Fandango w/ Summer Rae (N/A) – Finally taking on someone not named SAN-TIN-OOOOOOOOOOO.  While Santino is a great wrestler, the WWE doesn’t let either of them prove it because they’re too busy servicing their silly gimmicks.  That’s not the case with Goldust.   Goldust might be an outrageous character gimmick, but he’s certainly not a wrestler to take lightly.  Summer Rae was able to get some screen time (new Total Divas starlet) but Fandango seemed to be in over his head.
    
17. Sheamus (15) – St. Patty’s Day must be Sheamus’s favorite day of the year.  He knows two things will happen on St. Patrick’s day.  He’s going to wrestle and he’s going to have help from or fight against Hornswaggle.  Both happened and with Horny’s help, Sheamus got the win.  Congrats.  I’m still no closer to giving two shits about the Sheamus Christian feud. 
18. Titus O’Neil (N/A) – Poor Titus.  The Brother looked like he came out of Tyler Perry’s version of Magic Mike.  Never confuse WWE writers for comedy writers.  Sure 1 out of 10 jokes work but for the most part wrestling is a soap opera drama.  Is there no one in the writers room that stands up and says, “Just because his last name is O’Neil, this doesn’t mean we have to try to crowbar a Black Irish joke in the show.”  If the result was to push Titus as a heel, well I guess it worked.  Next week, can we move on with the serious business of black on black crime between Titus and “Mr. Everyday is a day off” Darren Young?
    
19. Christian as an announcer at Sheamus / O’Neil match (15) – “No one has ever beat me, I’ve only beat myself.”  I almost jumped out of my chair to call this man a liar!  But then I remembered all the TLC matches that Christian and Edge would win vs The Dudleys or Hardys, and you know what?  He’s right, mostly.  I bet if you took a look at Christian’s all time record, it would have way more wins than you’d expect.  You know what you’d also find?  I DON’T GIVE A SHIT.  Sheamus vs Christian at WM30, it’s FANtastic!
20. Divas match: AJ Lee and Tamina Snuka vs The Funkadactyls w/ The Bellas on mic (20) – I’m glad to see Naomi (?) back because she was definitely starting to make some waves with her in-ring skills compared to her partner and / or most of the other Divas.  No one wants a real injury but if the result is a bling’d out eyepatch, there are worse braces / casts things to wear.  Naomi was impressive in pulling off a RVD split-leg moonsault to pin AJ.  We only got a few seconds of AJ vs Naomi and it was by far the best part of any Divas match I’ve seen in a while.  I know this sounds crazy but I’d like to see a 5 - 10 minute match to see what these two can do.

Honorable Mentions

Mr. T – New WWE Hall of Famer (celebrity wing)!  Hogan and Mr. T, aka Thunderlips and Clubber Lang.  I’m more surprised that it’s taken this long for Mr. T to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.  BTW, with all of his recent news, do you think the WWE will be inducting Dennis Rodman into the HoF anytime soon?  Do you think Kim Jung-un is also a fan of Rodman’s wrestling days or is it just of his Bulls era?

Hornswaggle – New star of the WWE film Leprechaun.  Yes, that’s right.  The WWE bought the rights to the Leprechaun series.  Just proving that Vince McMahon still has a great deal of input in the WWE empire.  Can’t you just see Mr. McMahon watching the original Leprechaun movie, jumping out of his chair made of the bones of dead wrestlers, screaming, “We have one of those…You know, midgets!  Buy the rights to that movie immediately and let’s start cranking out remakes, ASAP!  There’s gold at the end of that rainbow.”

#BadNewsBarrett – GET. IN. TH…… Oh who cares.  No one is listening to me.  I’m told that the whole point of Barrett not wrestling is to work fans like me up.  If so, then a job well done.  

DIS-honorable Mention goes to the announce crew during the RKO / Bryan match.  What the fuck was going on with these three?  Lawler was the most lucid on the mic until you overheard him break character and ask Bryan if he’s ok after getting tossed onto the announce table.  It was a complete mess.  None of them were listening to each other.  They even got their own scripts messed up.  JBL couldn’t wait for the possibility of a HHH / Bryan match, as long as Bryan beats HHH?  WTF?  I know there’s a lot of drinking on the River Walk but it’s not like they were in Colorado and all got stoned out of their minds before the show.  OR were they, duh-da-daaa!?

Side Note(s)

TWO more “clean losses” by the Champ(s), Tag and WWE, but the title did not change hands.  Am I bound to this fate and will no one listen that this is an unacceptable practice?!?!?

I have no idea what this WWE Slam City is?  Is it for kids?  Is it a funny show?  It kinda looked like Celebrity Death Match so maybe it’s something we should be checking out?  I’ll do my research and let you know.  Which basically means I’ll ask Fred and he’ll tell me if we should be watching it?

My girlfriend usually only comes down for the John Cena segments, if at all.  Next week I can guarantee that with Joe Manganiello making a guest appearance, she’ll be watching the whole time.  Or at least she’ll instruct me to tell her when he’s on so she can come and watch. 

Until next week…

Don’t forget to subscribe to the BEARcast podcast on iTunes for all the WrestleCast shows and more.  Or check out www.worldofbear.com as well.