WWE Power Rankings, RAW 9-30-2013

Coming at you from Biloxi (as in Mississippi but it should have been Blues), if I just wrote WTF 3,000 times and was finished with tonights posting, it would be justified.  

WARNING: Earmuffs to all those who don’t want to hear a grown man explode about a fake sporting event.

I was looking forward to waxing poetically about how a small town crowd reminded me of the old days of wrestling where territories ruled and it wasn’t about big Federations trying to sell PPVs and the promoters and performers knew how to tell a story which played to the intimate audience right there.  In turn the crowds would go crazy for hometown heroes and there were really strong heel and face characterizations, which for good and bad have gone away in the globalized WWE...

That idea was shot in the head about 5 minutes into the show.  This one was BAD!

OK, WWE, you want to fuck with me?  You want to make a mockery of my newly minted and highly entertaining Power Rankings, fine!  Fuck with me? NO, I fuck with you!  Two can play at this game... 

I should have known this was going to be an epic show.  You know things are bad when there’s a Pre-List to the Power Ranking list.  Here’s a list of clues that should have set off code-red alerts to how bad this show was going to be.

1. They never showed the city that they were in at the beginning of the show.
2. The first three minutes of the show, was a clip package from last week’s show.
3. Clearly everyone was either watching (or was intimidated by) the Breaking Bad finale last night and couldn’t put together a solid show tonight.  Tonight’s RAW just tastes of distraction.
4. Everything was now centered around the Battleground PPV, which before tonight I had no idea was even on this Sunday (which is the problem that occurs when you have needless PPVs on just because you want to sell a PPV every 3 weeks).
5. The free, pre-show match at Battlefield was announced to be Ziggler VS Sandow, which should be either the first match of the PPV or one of the main events.  WTF?!?!
6. None of the matches made sense (but I don’t fault the wrestlers, the matches were actually pretty good, wrestling-wise). 
7. I believe in the bible the first sign of the apocalypse is frogs raining down (or was that just the movie Magnolia?) but tonight it was; how come Heyman wasn’t there for his feud with Punk the RAW before a PPV?  Was this because he wouldn’t travel outside a major city?  Would going to Biloxi would be beneath him?  No because sadly I remember ECW being at some of this country’s finest Bingo Halls and Elk Lodges, so a crappy arena shouldn’t keep him away.  Instead of continuing the great Punk / Heyman promos, we get...wait for it...the excitement is building...Brad Maddox.  Silence.  Actual Silence from the crowd.  It was just poor writing and worse execution.  If you thought Brad Maddox silent but deadly entrance was going to be the worse thing about RAW?  Oh how wrong you would be.
8. Secondly, I thought, maybe HHH, Stephanie and the writing staff had the week off and didn’t attend this show.  You know, “while the cat’s away the mice will” play sort of thing.  That’s not the case because they were in the arena to be apart of the Rhodes family story line.

This was all BULLSHIT, literally...

So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 9/30/2013...

1. Los Matadores (N/A) – WTF!?!?  Ok, I’ve waited (and been excited) for Los Matadores for weeks now.  I was all fine with this being a rebranding of two wrestlers.  I was even expecting a little comedy to be inserted with the gimmick.  But a fucking midget Lucha Libre wrestler dressed as a bull is not only their valet but the “third” member!  The WWE wants me to feel foolish about being excited for one of their new gimmicks?  They think they can Gobbledy Gooker me?  Well, here you go WWE.  Number 1 with a bullet, Los Matadores!  Thank you ladies and gentlemen, it’s going to be a long night.  Hide your children because we’re about to get a little weird in here. 
2. 3MB (N/A) – You know it’s a bad sign when you can only get 2 of the 3MB’s. Of the incomparable 3MB, only the fake-Hindu and the faux-Rocker were the only two that could make it?  What, was the other one too busy sucking dick to show up?
3. Curtis Axel (17b) – Why not put Axel in the top 10?  We’re getting crazy tonight.  He’s the spawn of Mr. Perfect and in a few years he could be a true superstar but as of now, he’s outclassed and overmatched.  His reign as IC champ is being wasted and in turn hurting the value of the IC strap.  It’s no surprise that his longest match is on the biggest WTF show of the year.  Then to fall for the old “enemy music distraction” only cements his mediocre standing.
4. The Big Show (18) – You know it’s bad when in the WTF episode of RAW, you’re the worst “actor” of the night and half your promo is a clip from SmackDown.  I long for the blithering and blathering crying days of Big Show.  Whatever this was, this over the top anger / rage emotional explosion, I can live without.  But since this is “opposite day,” congrats Big Show, you’re in the top 10.  “He knows not what he does,” was a great line by Stephanie...No, must fight...compliments...not...yet...
5. The Wyatt Family (8) – My friend Fred gave me crap about having the Wyatts so high up the last two weeks when they really haven’t had a defined feud / opponent or a clear direction to what they’re supposed to be doing.  After seeing the light, I was prepared to drop them down to their proper ranking (which should be around 13 - 17).  It’s no secret that I love The Wyatts but seriously, WTF is going on this week?  When Bray Wyatt rambles on it can be very hit or miss and this week I am totally confused.  Maybe this played right into the minds of the local Mississippi crowd, but I sure as hell couldn’t follow what was going on.  It seems to me that Bray has been speaking to Sister Abigail too much this week and to speak with her he must ingest large quantities of Molly or HGB because he was trippin’.  I long for the days when I would get that high.  The difference is, I’d be trippin’ balls in the safety of my house, not in front of a live crowd and TV audience.  To make matters worse, after the Family comes out and Bray drones on, the only saving grace was a potential interaction with Kofi (who was still out there from his previous match) but NOTHING came of it.  They went to commercial and when they came back we were on to the next thing.  If you only care about what score you get and not the reasons behind it, congrats Wyatts, you’ve gotten your highest ranking but if this was a real week, you’d be in the bottom quarter.
6. Daniel Bryan (6) – And if you thought that Bryan was safe in this WTF episode, you’d be very wrong.  Where do I start?  So when we last left Total Divas, there was some sort of hint that Daniel and his (what I thought was already his fiancé) girlfriend Brie Bella were possibly going through a rough patch in their relationship, or as the promo for the new season would have us believe.  Now they’re officially engaged.  How lucky are we all that thanks to Total Divas, we will have a video documentary of their whole engagement and soon to be wedding.  Let me guess, theres some overreaction to Bryan’s new status as a main event guy and Brie feels left out.  There is some fake tension that she’ll have to break up with him, you know for him realizing his life long dream which she’s known about for years, only to be duped and he proposes to her to solidify their relationship.  They go off and live happily ever after.  I. Can’t. Wait.  The feelings of anticipation that I have for the new episodes of Total Divas are similar to the feeling I have each day waiting for the IRS to levy my bank account for taxes I owe the government.  Then to add insult to injury, Bryan has to go out and get his ass handed to him, which of course results in Brie coming out and being so heart broken.  We’re constantly talking about the blurred lines of late in the WWE, between reality and fiction.  So this may have worked with say Miz and his mother the other week, but not when both parties are in on the whole work of the business and are involved with the behind the scenes show.  WTF?!?!
7. Two Divas (N/A) – So instead of getting more AJ, either on the mic or wrestling, we are treated with a Brie Bella and Alicia Fox match.  Yes, why give us more of a good thing.
8. Heyman (4) – I can only imagine him saying, “I came to butt-fuck Mississippi to do this?  What a waste of time.”  I’ll give him this, he sold it with all his heart.  Which leads us to...
9. Ryback (17a) – While we’re on a run of fake and absurd relationships, let’s add another. You know how I’ve been joking about all the gay undertones going on between Ryback and Heyman, well I guess they weren’t just undertones.  The WWE is really going for it.  NO one is a bigger support of same sex marriage than I am (well, except for the gay people I suppose).  WTF are Heyman and Ryback doing?  I don’t know for sure but I’ll guess Mississippi is not a hotbed for gay rights.  Even though Ryback and Heyman put on a tender moment (?) this was not the city for this to go down.  The crowd was dead and was more in silent shock.  I wish they would have done this in New York or California or one of the states that just passed marriage equality rights because then I think the crowd would have been insane throughout the performance.  Exhibit A is the guy behind them in the white hat and black RVD shirt, screaming and gesturing NO, NO, NO through this whole commitment speech.  I don’t know who the WWE wants to be the “Face” of their brand, but I doubt that the LBGT wants these to be the faces of their movement.
   
   
10. AC / Zeb / The All-American American VS The Clown Patrol (Santino / Hornswaggle / Khali) (?) – Ohhh how the mighty has fallen.  I’m sorry my sweet Santino.  I was hoping that Santino wouldn’t be apart of WTF because he would have been off this list (in a week that being off the list is a good thing).  No, the WWE had one last embarrassment bullet for WTF night.  Let’s team Santino up with the midget and the giant.  Any hopes that Santino would make a true run at a title have now been spun away by AC’s swinging toss.  A move that’s so old, it gave The King flashbacks to when he wrestled with Andy Kaufman.  The next thing really got me to say, “WTF?”  Out of all the shows and places of late, why would Zeb consider Mississippi a “3rd world or foreign country?”  Maybe my demographics are off, but I’d think Zeb and his Tea Party gimmick would be a hero to many in Mississippi.  Maybe he’s trying to keep up with Rep. Ted Cruz as most hated political person by both sides of the isle.  Burn all bridges because any heat is good heat.
11. HHH with Stephanie aka The Authority (5) – If crapping on my monday wasn’t bad enough.  If embarrassing komen.org with such a clusterfuck of a show (tell me why El Torito couldn’t have had pink ribbons dangling from it’s horns, you know, to really just take it to the next level) wasn’t already an embarrassment.  Now HHH and Stephanie has to besmirch one of the best comic books, The Authority, by taking it’s name and thrusting it upon us as their new moniker.  I’m really starting to feel like tonight’s show was specifically made to piss me off.  Is this the Truman Show?  Am I trapped in a dome and a billion people are watching me go insane for their amusement?  If so, HELP!  Get me out of here!  Stop reading this now and go get me help!  (I don’t care how great the two of them are right now, I’m not giving them any credit tonight because even if THEIR parts were good, they’re responsible for tonight’s clusterfuck show.)  
12. Zack Rider (N/A) – Yes, let’s unleash every wrestler that has had nothing to do in months.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t realize that WWE wasn’t just contributing to charities like komen.org but also to charities such as the Zack Rider-hasn’t-had-a-match foundation.  The worst part is that Rider is another good wrestler.  I feel bad that his only screen time was on WTF RAW.
13. Big E Langston (N/A) – Welcome to the Power Rankings.  Big E has spent many months as an enforcer for Ziggler and maybe / maybe not love interest of AJ.  I’ve always hated the cut on his unitard, wait, I said that wrong; I’ve always thought that Big E has had great potential.  I’ll even give Big E a small benefit of the doubt due to his time with Ziggler.  Look at what AJ learned and became after time spent with him.  If Big E becomes something, we’ll have to start a “degrees from Ziggler” theory.
14. Dolph Ziggler and The Usos (11/16) – In a night that was doomed from the beginning, the only match I knew would cheer me up was the Ziggler / Usos VS The Shield match.  They did not let me down.  This was by far the best match of the night.  
15. Randy Orton (7) – Maybe the only sincere shining light on this show.  RKO’s “mean streak” continues resulting in a vicious beating of Daniel Bryan.  The whole wedding date thing was a bit awkward because we all know RKO just went through a nasty off camera divorce and the Bellas can’t act their way out of a box of Cracker Jacks.
16. Cody, Goldust and Dusty Rhodes (2) – Just to see the “real” Rhodes Family and McMahon Family out there together was great.  I’m super hyped for the Cody / Goldust VS Reigns / Rollins tag team match at Battlefield.  Once the PPV is over and we can move to the next step of the feud, I’ll have more to say.  I just want to see this match.  It should be awesome.
17. Alberto Del Rio (12) – He’s the World Champ and put on a good match.  As far as I’m concerned, he got out without any collateral damage to himself, his storyline and persona.  Good job by you, ADR.  I’m surprised they didn’t have some incredibly racists or financial-class based heel rant (probably because of the very real governmental shutdown looming later in the night, which I’m sure the McMahon’s know about all too well).  The writers must have had their plates full with the rest the WTF moments that they couldn’t fit any of that in.  Count your blessings.  
18. Kofi Kingston (14) – God, Kofi is a great wrestler.  He and Fandango put on a very good, albeit short match.  In the WTF week of Power Rankings, it’s better to be on the bottom of this list than at the top.  Congrats Kofi.  Keep it up and I hope they give you a good direction after the PPV.
19. The Shield (1) – Again, in the WTF show, this is good.  They are just awesome.  I’ve ranted enough tonight, let’s just enjoy a group that’s hit it’s stride.  I’m thrilled every time they come out and every match of theirs has been good.  Every time I predict The Shield will loose the straps, I’m proven wrong.  With the stakes the way they are for the Rhodes family, I can’t see them keeping their belts at Battlefield.
20. CM Punk (3) – When you open the show, you’re either the Owner, the Main man or chopped liver that will soon get their ass handed to them.  Then again, usually you’re appearing on RAW not WTF.  So all rationale and reasons go out the window.  Punk’s promo was a shell of what it usually is.  His match with Big E was fine.  I think we can all agree that we owe Punk a special thanks for stopping the Ryback / Heyman engagement party.  We’ll just have to wait for their announcement in the cultural section of the NY Times to get the details on their wedding.  Thank you Punk.  

Honorable Mentions

Brad Maddox – As the general manager of RAW, I’ve got to say...he hasn’t been that bad.  Maddox takes his bumps and put-downs but all-in-all he’s been serviceable.

Fandango – Sorry buddy, but be grateful you’re not on the list this week.  Out of anyone, if you’d have told me that there would be a WTF episode of RAW, I would have assumed Fandango had a prominent part to play in the WTF-ness.  Fandango put on a good match.  Let’s leave it at that.

R-Truth – At this point, I’m in a daze.  He was on the show.  What more do you want from me.  

Breast Cancer – Really, this how the WWE wants to recognize and support ANY cancer awareness?  Susan G Komen’s cancer riddled corpse must be spinning in her grave.  I think it’s a great thing that athletes (real and fake) and teams promote awareness in October (and throughout the year) by wearing and using pink on everything.  It’s a great campaign and I know it generates a ton of money.  You know what generates more money and awareness?  A winning product.  If you could choose, what do you think would be seen by more people; 1) the Jacksonville Jaguars clothed from head to toe in pink and crapping out pink shits on the field or 2) the New England Patriots having one tastefully drawn line of pink on their helmets?  I’m betting the Patriots because they have the most eyes on them due to them being a superior product?  If this first show of Cancer Awareness Month is any indication of how the next four shows are going to go, I think cancer has already won.   

Side Note(s) –

Let’s be honest with each other.  I’ve had the good luck of some really great shows for most of these Power Rankings so far.  Unfortunately, tonight, I’ve had to try to turn chicken shit in to chicken soup.  All I can say about this week's show is WTF?!?!  It totally threw me off.  I’m sure I’ll pull it together next week, just like I expect RAW to do as well. 

The WWE does not do grace and sedulity well.  That’s why I like that they have not referred to Darren Young coming out as gay.  I don’t care that he’s gay.  This is all just theater, so if the story line says he’s to fall in love with a girl, it will be no more-or-less meaningful than Mark Henry impregnating Mae Young and her giving birth (at 90+ years old) to a rubber hand.  Yes, you read that right.  A rubber hand and a 90+ year old giving birth.  So it’s no surprise to me that, to milk every drop of attention, the WWE plants breast cancer survivors front row.  Just as with the numerous times that a celebrity or military member seems to show up and have front row seats for one match, this one seemed wrong.  For one, I’d bet everything that I have that these brave and strong ladies are not wrestling fans nor have any idea of what’s going on.  I also don’t believe those were their seats and as soon as the shot was over, the rightful holders of those seats came back.  The WWE couldn’t have stuck these women in a “box” or brought them out on stage for the two-second acknowledgment of their triumphs and to receive their appreciatory applause?  I’m not against these women getting the spotlight.  I’m against the bothering of paying customers for the WWE’s self indulgence and patting themselves on the back when that too is fake.  The NFL has cancer survivors and pats themselves on the back too but it’s either at the beginning of a game on the field or they’re given seats throughout the game.  You don’t see these women on the sidelines calling plays and dodging players running out of bounds.  The WWE can never make a social or political statement without it becoming part of the theater of the absurd (which is what the WWE is and they’re great at it).  Just announce the partnership with komen.org, have the pink tie-ins and the one commercial, but leave it alone.

Until next week...