WWE Power Rankings, RAW 10-14-2013

Coming at you from St. Louis, I’m still woozy from a fabulous Dodger win in game three of the NLCS so bare with me if I get weird tonight.  With any luck, I’ll be writing this next week after the Dodgers start play in the World Series.  The stress from watching your favorite team(s) can be too much on the body.  Yet another reason why wrestling is so great, you know there’s a master plan behind it all.  There’s an unspoken agreement between the audience and promoters that we’re all watching a “sporting event” with the fate of each match left to the brave athletes who enter the squared circle.  It also alleviates the ulcer causing stress of gambling on a match.  Although I plead the 5th on having ever bet on a wrestling match.  What happens between you and your bookie, stays between you and your bookie.  It’s like a priest and confessions, except the priest doesn’t threaten to knock you out, take your liver to sell on the black market and leave you in a tub of ice to wake up in when you screw up.  I’m getting off point.  We can share gambling war stories another day.  Go Dodgers!  Back to the wholesome family show of nearly naked, greased up men throwing each other around a ring.  We’re coming off a solid show last week and with Hell in the Cell coming up in two weeks, the chessboard is being set.  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 10/14/2013...

The highs of this RAW were really high but unfortunately, the lows were really low.  To add a little spice, I added some movie and television quotes to each ranking.  So if you don’t like the rankings, at least you’ll be reminded of some great movies. 

1. HHH and Stephanie (3) – (“Say my name.” - Breaking Bad)  Do you think Stephanie rattles off all of HHH’s monickers before they have sex?  I know it would be mandatory if I was the 13 time champ, King of Kings, Cerebral Assassin, etc.  Never mind insecurities.  These two keep knocking it out of the park.  Even in the WTF episode a few weeks ago, they were one of the few things that worked.  It’s too easy to write it off (maybe a pun intended?) as them being the owners and making sure they get the best writing and story.  We’ll never know if that’s 100% the case but we do know that they have to go out there and sell it.  Every week, whether it’s HHH or Stephanie or both, they are the highlight and straw that stirs the drink.  I think it would be an interesting experiment to have Bryan Cranston and Anna Gunn switch places with HHH and Stephanie.  I think you’d find it a lot harder than people think to pull off what HHH and Stephanie do each week in front of a live audience of 15,000+ and on TV around the world.
2. The Shield (1) – (“Normally, both your asses would be dead as fucking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this shit while I'm in a transitional period so I don't wanna kill you, I wanna help you.” - Pulp Fiction)  As weird as this sounds but loosing the tag belts is probably the best thing to happen to The Shield.  It seems that Ambrose is not long to drop his belt as well, which frees The Shield to do anything and get involved in any of the story lines within the WWE.  All the straps helped validate The Shield at first but now it’s time they moved on.  Times change and they’re ready for the next challenge.  Not only did they steal the show with their match against the Rhodes brothers but now they have a clean slate going into Hell in the Cell, which makes them the wild card.  Even if they don’t do anything on that PPV, they’re poised to be a threat to whomever is next in their crosshairs.
3. Randy Orton (2) – (“Drainage! Drainage, Eli, you boy. Drained dry. I'm so sorry. Here, if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw. There it is, that's a straw, you see? You watching?. And my straw reaches acroooooooss the room, and starts to drink your milkshake... I... drink... your... milkshake!” - There Will Be Blood)  St. Louis is RKO’s hometown so you knew he was going to have a good night.  Someone took their acting pills this morning.  RKO and HBK had a nice promo.  Even to his own admission, St. Louisians’ / St. Louis’s / St. Louisner’s (?) aren’t very smart.  So memorizing and performing that great shoot took all of RKO’s power and left him open to a sneak attack by The Miz.  Suddenly a match broke out and to everyone’s shock RKO and Miz were putting on a decent match.  Luckily for RKO, the Wyatt Family came out to distract Miz (oh, how I wish there was an easy way I could convey sarcasm within text).  RKO was on fire tonight.  He beat up on the Miz, he almost cuckold’d both Bellas, he beat down Bryan and if you listen closely as he left the room he was breathing like Darth Vader.  Like him or not, pretty impressive night.  The unavoidable involvement by HBK at Hell in the Cell better be good because I’m fairly hyped about the match all by itself.  As much as I like this RKO and feel this is where he should have been these last few years, he’s become a bully so be prepared for him to loose at Hell in the Cell.   
4. Cody Rhodes & Goldust (4) – (“Ohh, what's really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have broken it if I hadn't said anything?” - The Matrix)  It’s been a LONG strange road to get to this tag team and these matches.  If you would have told me in 1999 that Goldust had a brother and they would team up in 2013 for some of the best matches, against a group called The Shield; I would have...well who knows, I was so stoned all the time sure, what the hell.  I’d have believed you.  Seriously, the fact that Goldust looks to be in the best shape he’s been in for years and putting on quality matches is simply amazing.  Cody has certainly made the leap up from directionless mid-carder.  Now that they have the belts, the real work begins.  As noted previously, the Tag division is stacked.  You could go conventionally and have them feud with the Primetime Players or the Usos.  Or you could go in the Wyatt Family direction (hopefully not, see future of Shield).  Or you could have them destroy the barnacles of the WWE by laying to waste the Real Americans, Los Matadores, 3MB, etc. and cleaning house (which thinking about it, they don’t need to waste their time with jobbers).  I’m hoping this is the start of a new golden era of tag matches / feuds.  Then as soon as they drop the belts or have run their course as partners, we’ll finally get the brother vs brother match that Cody and Goldust were meant to have.  I can see Dusty pleading for peace in the family, or better yet PICKING A SIDE!  Too. Many. Possibilities. Ma’ brain hurts thinking about it.  The best part, the wrestling should be awesome.
5. CM Punk (6) – (“Now I am the master.” - Star Wars)  There’s no way Punk should have even come close to the 5:44 time to beat in the Beat the Clock match with Axel.  I was shocked the match lasted longer than 1 minute.  It would have been great, and I would have loved to see the look on Heyman’s face, if Punk just super-kicked Axel upon entering the ring and finished him in 5 seconds (2 seconds for the kick and 3 for the count).  A surprisingly solid match, just like the R-Truth / Ryback match earlier in the show.  With Punk’s win, we learned that the Hell in the Cell match would not only be a triple threat match but also a Hell in the Cell match (what a shocker).  Really, shouldn’t each match on the card be a Hell in the Cell match?!?!  What am I missing here?  Why is this not the case already?  Regardless, I don’t know what Heyman, Ryback and assumably Axel will bring to a Hell in the Cell match but I’d put my money on Punk carrying the load to an excellent match. 
6. Alberto Del Rio (8) – (“Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.” - Anchorman)  It was an odd selection to have ADR interrupt Bryan’s walk to the ring to confront HHH and Stephanie.  ADR has a litany of other wrestlers to feud with but this attack does suit his heel persona.  If it’s only for the week and it means we get a solid match between the two very capable in-ring performers, I can dig it.  Dare I say, ADR was the better performer in his match with Bryan.  ADR has a tremendous amount of potential and at his best, he’s a solid threat for the WWE strap.  Meanwhile he’s kicking ass with the World belt and this match only strengthened ADR’s “brand.”  The eventual ADR / Sandow (MITB holder) arc should be good...if it EVER comes... I’m almost sure that I really like ADR, maybe?
7. Daniel Bryan (6) – (“Maybe you haven't been keeping up on current events, but we just got our asses kicked, pal!” - Aliens)  As you’ll read further down, HBK is certainly going to involve himself in Hell in the Cell.  You also had Bryan’s do his mandatory Divas involvement due to Brie’s beat down.  There was no reason for a Bryan / ADR match but as you can imagine it was a quality bout.  That said, things are not all rainbows for our hero.  RKO demolished him and I’ve got a feeling Hell in the Cell is going to be a miracle for him to make it out with a win.  But that’s why they play the game (or in this case, write the scripts) because you never know.  Bryan is the perfect underdog for Vince McMahon.  I expect him to win the belt at Hell in the Cell.   
8. Heyman (8) – (“I'm the man up in this piece. You'll never see the light of... who the fuck do you think you're fucking with? I'm the police, I run shit around here. You just live here. Yeah, that's right, you better walk away. Go on and walk away... 'cause I'm gonna' burn this motherfucker down. King Kong ain't got shit on me. That's right, that's right. Shit, I don't, fuck. I'm winning anyway, I'm winning... I'm winning any motherfucking way. I can't lose. Yeah, you can shoot me, but you can't kill me.” - Training Day)  I’m sure when Mario Puzo and Francis Ford Coppola were making The Godfather they envisioned that one day, a line from their movie would be the centerpiece to a promo by Paul Heyman and Brad Maddox.  ONLY Paul Heyman could use a Godfather quote so perfectly and yet so slimy that it works for the show.  It would be like a bum performing a one man show of Macbeth at the offramp of the 101 freeway while panhandling for change.  Is it necessary, NO.  Will it get me to give the bum some money, YES.  Don’t ever tell me that the WWE doesn’t know it caters to all spectrums of viewership.  What other show, within a 5 minute segment, has a man pull a sock painted like a snake pulled out of his underwear (to be use as a weapon no less) and then quotes lines from the greatest movie of all time.  What is more important than giving movie lovers an Easter egg, we learned the stipulation to Punk’s Hell in the Cell match thanks to the exchange and set up between Heyman and Maddox.  Heyman got the short end of the stick and will be fighting for his life in a Hell in the Cell match.  Even though he should have all the advantages, plus whatever dirty tricks he pulls out, isn’t it about time Punk finish this?  Or are we going to drag this out to Survivor Series?  The hubris of Heyman is what’s so incredible.  No matter how bleak things are, you always feel he’s going to find a way out of the trouble he get’s himself into.
9. Shawn HBK Michaels (N/A) – (“I see dead people.” - The Sixth Sense)  A big error from last week was made when I left HBK off the Power Rankings.  The truth is that I didn’t think much of his guest appearance at the time and didn’t think it was worth mentioning.  Of course it was inevitable that “the fan vote” would go in his direction.  It wasn’t until I talked to my friend, The Oracle of Wrestling Freddie D, that I was shown the light.  The possibilities are endless and the clues were thrown at you like a monkey lobbing his shit at the zoo.  HBK trained Daniel Bryan...  HBK is HHH’s best friends... HBK came to a show outside the state of Texas...  To set up that he’s going to be the guest ref at Hell in the Cell... Now he opens RAW this week?  Of course something is going to happen with HBK and the Hell in the Cell match.  It’s like the end of The Sixth Sense where you’re like, duh, how stupid could I be?!
10. The Big Show (14) – (“We claw with our fingernails for that inch. Because we know when add up all those inches, that's gonna make the fucking difference between winning and losing! Between living and dying! I'll tell you this, in any fight it's the guy whose willing to die whose gonna win that inch.” - Any Given Sunday)  All it took was a minute of screen time and three knockout punches for Big Show to make his presence felt.  This was the best Big Show appearance in years.  Also the shortest.  It goes to show that it’s not how much time you get but what you do with that time.  The Big Show is best in small doses and doled out slow and steady
11. Dolph Ziggler (9) – (“I'm looking forward to seeing you in action. Jack says you've got a great big cock.” - Boogie Nights) There’s no doubt that Ziggler is a star.  Unfortunately he’s be stuck with nothing to do and in limbo between tiers.  But there might be some hope yet.  On a, once proud Saturday night, show called Main Even?  On a channel called ION?  It looks like Ziggler will face Ambrose for the US belt.  Ambrose doesn’t need the strap to help his, and the Shield’s, story lines.  This could help give Ziggler some direction.  I might have to find this channel and see what becomes of this match... who are we kidding, I’ll wait until next RAW to see whose wearing the strap.  But I am excited to see these two go at it and I hope Ziggler wins.  This would be “good business.”
12. R-Truth (17) – (“We might just make it. Did that thought ever cross your brain? Well, regardless, I would rather take my chance out there on the ocean than to stay here and die on this shithole island, spending the rest of my life talking...TO A GODDAMN VOLLEYBALL!” - Cast Away)  I don’t know if R-Truth is really crazy or just plays it on TV.  I don’t know if R-Truth is actually a friend of Punk or if it’s just part of the story line of each character but in an odd way it makes sense.  While CM Punk seems to delight in being the anarchist of the WWE, R-Truth has always seemed to be a lunatic.  Lately, he seems like he’s become a dependable part of the “stable” of wrestlers (see what I did there?).  Maybe he and / or the WWE has decided that there’s potential in R-Truth to be at least a solid mid-carder.  Every second in a Beat the Clock match is inherently interesting but the 5:44 match that he had with Ryback wasn’t bad.  You knew he was going to loose but having said that, it was a good match.
13. Ryback / Curtis Axel (13/18) – (“You're fuckin' right you made a bad mistake. 'Cause if you come back here, if we catch either one of ya, we're gonna break your fuckin' heads and you won't walk out of here. You see that fuckin' saw? We're gonna use it. We don't fuck around in this place. You got it? Get outta here.” - Casino)  Tied together in two Beat the Clock matches.  This quote really should come after Hell in the Cell.  I get the feeling Punk is going to beat down one, if not all three, of these guys.  Like I said in Heyman’s rankings, it’s inevitable that it will happen now or at the next PPV.  Where all sides go after this, that’s the biggest question?  After the big show down, I’m confident that Punk and Heyman can swim, I don’t know what’s to become of either Ryback or Axel?
14. The Wyatt Family (12) – (“No, Donny, these men are nihilists. There's nothing to be afraid of.” - The Big Lebowski)  I’m a Wyatt fan.  I want them to succeed.  They need to do something more than just cut the same promo and come out at end of other people’s matches, only to do nothing.  At the moment they’re all smoke and mirrors.  It seems their next victim is going to be Miz.  While there’s nothing about this matchup that gets me excited, at least it gives both sides something to do and a direction.  It’s only the first week so I’ll let this situation breath.  Cross my fingers.  Maybe we’ll get a few good matches, lest you forget Miz was once the WWE Champion.  NO really, he was the champ for a, albeit short, period of time.
15. The Miz (N/A) – (“Never give up. Never surrender.” - Galaxy Quest)  In a classic tit-for-tat, Miz submarined RKO in Orton’s hometown.  For the first few minutes they put on a solid match until Miz was distraction by a Wyatt Family interuption.  It seems that the Bray Wyatt has chosen Miz to be his next victim (The previous victim, Kane, who needed a reason to be off TV to film Hear No Evil 2. So does that mean we’re getting a vacation for Miz to show The Marine 4?  One can only hope.)  Regardless of reason, it seems we’re headed for a Wyatt / Miz showdown.  My initial reaction is that Miz better get ready to do a lot of “jobbing” in the coming weeks.  Let’s all keep in mind, this man started his career as a cast member of The Real World.  He’s probably the most successful person to come out of that show?  At least the top three?  I’m not going to count out an alum from The Challenge.
16. Santino (HM) – (“You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned! Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders - The most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia" - but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...” - The Princess Bride)  Finally, a semi-serious match for the great Santino!  The Fandango gimmick might not be the most hardcore of characters but as discussed, he’s a solid in-ring performer.  Depending on how he’s used, Santino is a joke.  It just pisses me off that they’re wasting a talented wrestler that will obviously do whatever the WWE wants.  He’s always so close to greatness but always so far away...
17. Fandango (15) – (“My son's a homosexual, and I love him. I love my dead gay son.” - Heathers)  Just when Fandango thought he was going to get hot, he runs into the buzz-saw known as Santino!  Is there term for when you win the match due to the other guys bad gimmick gone wrong?  Then to waste the old distracted-by-the-valet act in the same finish, now I know they don’t know what to do with these guys.  The fans seem to love him.  Surely, Fandango is selling merch because otherwise, why would he still be taking up precious minutes on RAW?  As I say that, it must not be that packed of a show with #19 & #20 also taking up time on the show. 
18. Tons of Funk (N/A) – (“Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!” - Animal House)  The ensemble cast of Funkasaurus, Sweet-T and the Funkadactyls now travels under the nomenclature of Tons of Funk.  There are some in this world that would substitute Funk with Shit but the kid in me still likes them.  Also, once again, I’m able to change the words the song and prance around my house singing, “someone call Byrd’s momma, (my cat’s name).”  Hey, it’s no dumber than The Real Americans gimmick and sadly less offensive.  Tons of Funk is just silly at most.  If you took the kids gimmick away and had just the two wrestlers, they’d prove to be decent opponents.  Who knows where this team ends up.  I know that we’re stuck with them for a while since the ladies of this team are part of the Total Divas show.  We might as well embrace them and try to make the best of whatever they end up doing.
19. Los Matadores with El Torito (19) – (“My art... keeps me sane.” - Scanners) It’s the third week of the El Torito experience and the second week that they’ve gone against 3MB.  The only good thing I can say is at least these fools are fighting equally irrelevant fools.  I don’t know how I’m going to handle life when they’re fighting a real tag team and El Torito takes out a Shield member for the win.  Someone will have to tell my girlfriend how to clean blood off the couch when my head explodes like this guy from Scanners. 
20. 3MB (20) – (“Well, ya see, sir.  I understand you’re lookin’ for sparrin’ partners for Apollo and I jus’ want ta let ya know that I am very available.” - Rocky)  The only difference between this week and last is that it was a different pairing of 2 of the 3MB-ers, please don’t ask me to figure out who’s who.  I have much more important things to think about in life.  Like, if I have to watch more of these Los Matadores  / 3MB matches, do I kill myself by asphyxiation or bullet to the head?  At this point these guys are nothing but meat.  They’re in shape, they fit the jobber mold, they do as their told and they keep cashing checks.  I can’t stand them but you have to give them some credit.  They’ve made themselves useful.  The government might still be shutdown and many people are not working, but these guys are cashing checks.

Honorable Mentions

Komen.org – Great cause. Go donate.  If not to the Susan G. Komen charity, donate to something.  Even if it’s $20, it won’t hurt you and you’ll feel good.  Animal rescue, AIDS cure, Project Angel Food, a wildlife preservation, etc.  Find something that you care about and donate.  Check online that your donation is going to a solid non-profit and give.  You always want the Karma meter on your side.

Brad Maddox – (“He made you look ridiculous and a man in you position, Mr. Maddox, cannot afford to be made look ridiculous.” - The Godfather, with some liberties with the pronouns.)  You know what, I’m proud of Maddox.  He held his own with Heyman.  Keep cashing those check my man.  Keep cashing those checks.

AJ and the Divas – The only Diva that I care to watch wrestle or speak is AJ, so what do we get?  AJ standing ringside during a forgetable Divas match with no lines and only a last minute involvement in the match.  OK, I’ll give a fraction of credit to Snuka’s Daughter because maybe she’ll have some wrestling prowess in her.  Unfortunately she doesn’t fit the WWE Diva “mold” so like many of the potential women wrestlers, I gather the countdown has begun to her ultimately being cut.  Just give us more AJ or leave them off the show.

Side Note(s)

I must make a correction.  During the WTF rankings a few weeks ago and the subsequent rankings, I referred to the last PPV as Battlefield.  In fact the name of the PPV was Battleground.  I sincerely apologize for the mistake although no one seemed to notice or care.  I can only chalk this up to the fact that Battleground was a clusterfuck of a mess and no one cared.  If they even have this PPV next year I’ll do my best not to mess up the name.  Or maybe I just watched too many Battlefield 4 commercials and got confused.  What ever the case may be, my bad.  Not only am I too lazy to go back and fix the mistake, but the show was so bad and caused so many issues I refuse to fix it on moral principles.  If you don’t stand for anything, you stand for nothing.

Is it bad that I’d rather see a WWE2K14 match of Virtual Undertaker defending his Wrestlemania streak than half the real matches each week.  The debate on what / who should break ‘Taker’s streak is more controversial than Obamacare (and I know I’d rather see a 2 hour debate on that).

Zeb threaten to expose the truth about El Torito.  I won’t waste my time writing about the rest of this nonsense except 1) I think I might agree with Zeb about how horrible Los Matadores and El Torito are, and 2) the only thing that would be funny is if it turns out that El Torito isn’t mini bull but in fact a HUGE rat (you know like the story of the old lady who thought she bought a Chihuahua in Mexico only for it to be a giant rat).

Until next week...