Coming at you from University of Tennessee, and I can’t think of a more useless show than this week’s RAW. Just about every match has been announce for Payback. The name “payback” indicates most of these matches are rematches from the previous PPV. There’s nothing more that the WWE can do to get us ready for Bray vs Cena or Shield vs Evolution.
We learned that Daniel Bryan’s situation as champion still hasn’t changed, they just pushed it off another week by making his relinquishment of the WWE title a segment at Payback. I supposed this continues to build anticipation to what Bryan and the WWE are going to do with the Championship. Unfortunately all the usual suspects to receive the title are involved in other matches. Unless someone is going to pull double duty I have no clue on what’s going to happen, which, again, is good for Payback but sucks for the RAWs leading up to the PPV. Let’s hope these’s a good payoff to of this delay.
The other coincidental positive is that it looks like we’re going to get a good amount of quality matches from the mid-carders. There’s been practically no storytelling but on RAW but some how we’re getting a Sheamus vs Cesaro match for the US strap (see last weeks article about my semi-xenophobic rant on how at least one person in a US championship match should be from the United States, or just re-read that sentence). Another good matchup is RVD vs Barrett for the IC title, which came about from a one night, number one contender tournament. Barrett should win but the two have potential of putting on a good match. Even if the Usos fight against Harper & Rowan, that has potential of being an entertaining match. Even a Rusev vs Big E matchup should be interesting. I don’t know how we got here but the Payback lineup is looking good on paper. Fred and I will preview Payback on the BEARcast - WrestleCast which will be out late Wednesday early Thursday so go to www.worldofbear.com or iTunes to subscribe and listen.
So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 5/26/2014…
- Evolution - RKO & Batista w/ HHH (4) – HHH had the difficult task of walking the line between being CEO and leader of Evolution. Let’s pull back for a second. It’s wrestling. HHH has been a wrestler for 20 years. It’s not like the CEO of Fed-Ex has to make stock decisions while delivering next-day envelopes. In both cases, HHH was lucky to have Stephanie and Evolution do the heavy lifting while he carried his own. It seems like months since RKO and Batista last teamed up. Am I’m the only one on the “Batista / RKO tag team is a good idea” island? I supposed I won’t have to defend that theory because the Guardians of the Galaxy promotion machine has started up. BTW, let me complain for one-second, showing the exact same trailer that you can find online is not “an exclusive look”. I digress, back to the show. Even the WWE seems to be done with this feud. Over and over again Payback was referred to as the last time you’ll see The Shield and Evolution in the ring together. This was said in a multitude of ways which made me do a double take. I know everyone expects The Shield to go over Evolution and for Evolution to have some sort of breakup BUT is there any way this is a “red herring” for the real split will be within The Shield? It would be interesting, and definitely a surprise, but seeing as 99% of the time the WWE has been “status quo” I’ll put my money on Evolution losing at Payback. Regardless, can we just get to this match? There’s a half dozen dead horses that can’t be beaten on any longer.
- Cesaro w/ advocate Paul Heyman (5) – Here’s a perfect example of the WWE not knowing what to do with a great talent. Cesaro put on a fine match with RVD. He’s as good as anyone in-ring. He’s got Heyman as his mouthpiece. I blanked and assumed he already had some sort of belt but I suppose that’s what his match with Sheamus at Payback is all about. Cesaro is “on the bubble” between the top tier and mid-card gold. I’d love to see him against RKO or Cena once their done with their current feuds. If he’s not going to move up to the main even ranks, give him some mid-card gold around his waist.
- Bray and The Wyatt Family (1) – After winning the night last week on RAW, Bray’s domination continues. “Am I the snake or am I the cure?” was runner-up to Cody’s blasting of Batista and RKO. Tennessee’s favorite son, Jerry Lawler, was called out by The Wyatt Family. In the process, JBL got laid out. John Cena, and eventually The Usos, came out to save The King from getting Sister Abigail’d into another ringside heart attack. I supposed Lawler was thinking, “If I die from an in-ring heart attack, at least it will be in front of my hometown fans.”
- John Cena w/ The Usos (2) – Came out and saved The King. Cena had a pretty good shoot, playing off Bray Wyatt. Unfortunately, the whole night was just a placeholder because we’ve been ready for Payback for the past week or two. The questions going into Payback are interesting: 1) Can the Wyatts hold down Super-Cena for a 10 count? 2) Will this resolve the Bray / Cena feud or will it drag on? 3) If this drags on, are we looking at the culminating event to be at SummerSlam? 4) If this feud drags out until SummerSlam, will I have the fortitude not to commit suicide during the endless Bray / Cena shoots week after week?
- The Shield (3) – I could live the rest of my life and never see another fake wrestling “contract signing” again and be perfectly happy. I HATE CONTRACT SIGNINGS! They’re so stupid. Even if you were to believe that a match between two wrestlers who are already under contract from the same WWE promotion is real, why would you need a contract in the first place? The plots on Total Divas make more sense. It’s not The Shield’s fault that the creative mind trust at WWE ended RAW on such a pointless segment. Running back Shield vs Evolution for the second PPV in a row has been equally pointless but here we are. I’ve been ready for this match for a month now, so let’s get to it. I will say, as a business owner and someone who’s bought multiple office chairs, I was very upset that they trashed six perfectly good chairs that cost over $100 each. That’s just throwing stupid on top of crazy. I wasn’t the only one…Did you hear the crowd buzzing over the ending of RAW? Me neither. Tip to the WWE, you want people excited on the last RAW going into the PPV, not falling asleep.
- Stephanie McMahon (7) – As the self-proclaimed WWE fashion expert, Stephanie gets a B tonight. Nice simple yoga pants / blazer outfit with her shoe game on point. As far as character, she killed it once again. It’s to the point where she’s set her personal bar so high that I’ll be shocked when Stephanie does NOT come out and destroy a promo. Only the Princess of the WWE can put the brakes on the Kane fire and light-show ending. She’s one of, if not THE top heel, in the WWE. She’s more subtle than Vince ever was. She’s more dynamic than any of the great talkers. She gets demerits for not wrestling but she overcomes that by being the straw that stir the WWE drink. Even Heyman can go over the top at times but Stephanie is always in that sweet spot. She’s a bit handcuffed to trying to navigate this Daniel Bryan situation, in and out of the ring, but after this run, I’m eager to see what she’ll do next.
- Daniel Bryan (N/A) – It’s hard to blame Bryan for this because he’s legitimately injured but the main event at Payback is now a Bryan gives up the Championship or B-Bella is fired match? Do we even call it a match or is it a Main Event segment? I’d rather see more clips of him complaining to B-Bella about how much their wedding is going to cost. By the way, if your choice is 120k for a wedding or 120k towards a house, as someone with some financial experience, PUT IT TOWARDS A HOUSE OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN A ONE NIGHT PARTY! Kim and Kanye made $100 million last year. It’s OK for them to throw money away on a wedding. This is Daniel Bryan, the wrestler. Maybe I’m totally off on how much money wrestlers make but you should have an -aire at the end of your net worth if you’re going to have a wedding cost 120k.
- Sheamus (6) – Pulled a slight bit of double duty by running in on the Cesar match and then having his own match with ADR. There’s no reason for Sheamus to be fighting Cesaro at Payback. There’s been no lead up or story behind this match. Fortunately, they can put on a good match but now it seems the WWE is throwing in a possible concussion plot to Sheamus’ story? The only thing that might make sense is that Sheamus drops the belt to Cesaro and then Sheamus gets tapped to join Evolution while Batista is out promoting for a while? I’m lost with this one. No disrespect to ADR and Sheamus but the two of them and the Shield / Evolution contract signing has to be the worst “main event” on RAW in a while. The Heyman / Cesaro run in at the end gave further credence to notion that both Sheamus and Cesaro are next in line to get major pushes. What they do with those pushes is anyone’s guess.
- Rob Van Dam (8) – I love it when someone gets so stoned that they make totally irrational choices in their wardrobe. Live life RVD. Do your thing. You’re one of the best.
- Alberto Del Rio (9) – Do you know how you can tell “trending topics” on Twitter are bullshit? With everything going on in the world, the WWE wants us to believe Sheamus / ADR is actually “trending”. I’m going to need to see proof on this one. Unless the topic is trending because people are saying, “The main event on RAW is Sheamus vs ADR?!” The WWE clearly wants to keep using ADR since they keep sending him out to the ring each week on RAW. It’s time to put him with Swagger and Zeb as part of the new version of the Real Americans.
- #BadNewsBarrett (14) – After his egregious booking last week on the London RAW, he at least came out to do some commentary on the RVD / Cesaro match. Which was the least he could have done last week in London! He’s one of a handful of performers on the roster that you know can hold his own at the announce table. Barrett vs RVD at Payback is one of the matches I’m most excited for.
- Goldust and Cody Rhodes (N/A) – Cody won the night when addressing Batista as “a skinny-jeans sellout” and RKO as “RK-blows”. That was his Drop-the-Mic moment. I’m glad to see both Cody and Goldust having a prominent spot on RAW. They’re in the mix for most underused / misused performers. The only problem with a character wearing makeup is mid-to-post match shots of their makeup melting off their face. I don’t have Coulrophobia but I do imagine this is what a murderous clown looks like when he’s done raping your lifeless body but before he’s finished digging the shallow grave he’s going to bury you in.
- Big E (15) – Running out to the Broski’s defense, Rusev vs Big E is the matchup most of us have been waiting for. We thought we were headed that way but the match seemed to be derailed the last few weeks. Hopefully, Big E’s run-in will put their collision course back on track. Since there is no title involved, can we call this feud “The Battle for the moniker of Taz 2.0?” At worst, this could be a nice push for the winner. At best, if the match is good, both wrestlers should get a nice bump.
- Alexander Rusev w/ Lana (16) – It doesn’t take much to convince me to watch a Banshee marathon, which aired over this holiday weekend on CineMAX, but now that I know Lana has a two-minute cameo which contains her topless getting banged in a bathroom stall in a casino AND having coke snorted off her bare chest, let’s just say, this was a Memorial Day weekend for me and my penis.
- Alicia Fox (10) – This is my answer to the fight Fred and I had last week on the BEARcast - WrestleCast (which can be found on iTunes and www.worldofbear.com). This is how you build up a title challenger. It would have been nice if she’d won but even in a loss she can prove she’s vicious and all these close losses are just due to bad luck. Aside from the weird Stone Cold Soda spraying, Alicia is proving she’s one of the best shit-talkers on the roster. I can’t wait for the Fox / Paige title match at Payback.
- Davy Crockett aka Damien Sandow (N/A) – This is a man who dressed up as Magneto, which was awesome, so it’s not surprise he’d pull off a Davy Crockett gimmick. Sandow is great.
- Bo-lieve-Dallas (HM) – Bo made his debut on RAW vs Sin Cara (the jobber to the stars). For a brief second, I thought that Dallas could loose the match but because of his Bo-lief he would still consider just participating a win. Then I realized for that to happen it would take some creative effort from the WWE staff, which wasn’t going to happen. I enjoyed his victory lap. We only got a small taste of what Dallas can do. So far, so good. The only problem I see is that when he’s smiling and his hair is dangling in front of his face, he looks so much like a shaved version of his brother Bray Wyatt. Eventually they’ll have to address this, and fortunately there’s a lot that can be done within their current characters gimmicks. They both have the “belief” gimmick going, obviously from different ends of the spectrum. If Bo can continually build heat, their paths will cross and it should be interesting. As for now, Bo needs to keep beating jobbers and acting like he just climbed Mt. Everest. How much heat would he get if he beat a jobber and then go on the mic to thank all the people who’ve helped him get to this win. He whips out a paper with that has an acceptance speech and runs down all the trainers, craft service people, truck drivers, maintenance crews, etc. and lists them by name! That would get him some great heat.
- Adam Rose (17) – Even though it only lasted a few minutes, our first look at Rose was a positive one. Once he dropped some of the character antics and got into the wrestling portion of the match, he surprised me on how much energy and ferocity he fought Davy Sandow with. Dare I say, his match with Jack Swagger at Payback could be good? Throw in the third best line of the night, “Nobody touches my lemon!” I might have to become a RoseBud.
- Brad Maddox (N/A) – The not often seen but is usually underrated GM of RAW, given what he’s supposed to do, might have made is last appearance? It’s good to see him back on TV because he has played his role well. He’s another performer who’s embraced his role and when you dive in feet first, good things happen. Look at those ridiculously tight, suspender high-water pant getup he’s in. Goes out to get lambasted by The Authority, be destroyed by the monster Kane and then to put a cherry on top, get fired. In his dressing room / locker is there that poster of a cat dangling from a tree limb saying, “Just hang in there.”
- 3MB w/ Hornswoggle and Los Matadores w/ El Torito (20&N/A) – Trotting out 3MB w/ Hornswoggle and Los Matadores w/ El Torito on after a Memorial Day tribute featuring JFK is like the WWE wiping their collective ass with the US flag and then lighting it on fire. There’s no bigger defender of free speech than yours truly but I’d have no problem with throwing these 4-BM-turd-cutters and villains from a Toxic Avenger movie straight into Guantanamo Bay to never be seen of again. Instead, We (the WWE audience) are tortured by with their mind numbing segment. I thought we were saluting our Fallen heroes tonight? Not throwing them in a Vietcong tiger cage for cruel and unusual punishment. I’d take the tiger cage before having to watch more of this crap. The match ended when Hornswoggle ripped off El Torito’s tail. Which leads to ask the question, El Torito has a tail? Just when you thought the nonsense couldn’t end, we come back from commercial to Los Matadores in the Vet / Doctor’s room trying to re-attach El Torito’s tail. When the Earth is hit with an apocalypse sized asteroid, may it please land on the clown car that these seven men travel in? Is that too much to ask?
Honorable Mentions
Zack Ryder – The “Broski” gets the obligatory honor of saluting the stars and stripes for the Memorial Day show, which was just a set up for Lana and Rusev to come out and demolish him. Way to make the flag proud, you Jersey Shore reject. (Just kidding. I’ve got a soft spot for Ryder.)
Sin Cara – You don’t get rewarded for literally being a faceless jobber.
Paige – Congrats to Paige for taking over Big E’s spot watching TV in the back. I feel like we’ve seen some version of this shot each week for the past few months. This must be some inside joke with the writers to see how many times they can do this.
Emma – I’m glad she got a chance to break free from another Santino / Emma vs Fandango / (insert female wrestler) match. Emma, Paige and Alicia Fox have all shown significant in-ring skills. Add that to a returning AJ Lee, a push of Natalya, the emergence of Summer Rae and rumors that there are some up and coming prospects in NXT, the Divas division is looking the strongest it’s been in a long time. But there’s still always an exception…(see next HM)
Total Divas match: Eva Marie w/ N-Bella vs Summer Rae, with interruption by Fandango and Layla – Garbage. Layla looked like a leopard that just finished eating a Thanksgiving turkey. I’ve already wasted enough time.
Side Note(s)
I’m usually not worked up when the WWE announces a new DVD / Special because they’re usually a lot of hype about nothing but the “Factions” DVD has my attention. I’m a mark for a good team and I can’t wait for Fred “The Oracle” to get this one so I can steal it next time I’m over at his house.
Until next time…
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