Coming at you from London, and both the WWE and myself made trips home to visit our “parents”. While the WWE went to visit London, I found myself in the old hippie mountain community of Idyllwild. My parents decided not to retire in the metropolis that they’ve lived in for the past 60+ years (and where I live) but instead have chosen to grow old and die in some remote artsy-nudist colony in the woods 6000 feet above sea level. Like the WWE, I sucked it up and traveled to their home to entertain them for a few days and to make sure they know we still love them.
Back to the WWE’s return to the British Isles. You’ll find I use the term “British Isles” a lot because I don’t know crap about the geography of England and the surrounding countries that make up the ancient lands were our forefathers descended from. Most of what I know stems from movies and television shows. As far as I know, Doctor Who is still fighting William Wallace over same sex marriage rights of the Merry Men of Sherwood Forest and Brad Pitt is the reigning underground fight champion.
WWE is on a European vacation and like the Griswolds, they’ve been a bit lost for the past few weeks but have started to find their way back on track. Letting wrestlers wrestle, fleshing out the Shield / Evolution feud, using the Beat the Clock gimmick to give the mid-carders something to do (albeit a lame gimmick and resulting in subpar matches, it gave screen time to a handful of wrestlers) and some other positive moves that we’ll get into on the countdown.
The greatest help for any WWE show is a smart and hot crowd. When the WWE travels, the crowds are almost always filled with marks because this might be the only chance all year that the hardcore fan gets an opportunity to see a live show. The diehards flock to the shows and you’ll usually get a crowd similar to the night-after-WM RAW audience. Also, the fans tend to be regional which means that Sheamus, Paige and Barrett will get huge pops.
The other point of business that must be addressed is, what’s going to happen with Bryan and the WWE Heavyweight Championship? A poll I put up on www.ringsidenews.com resulted with a King of the Ring-style tournament as being the voters top choice. I couldn’t agree more because on the BEARcast - WrestleCast (which can be found on iTunes or www.worldofbear.com) two of the fantasy bookings I push for most are a new Corporate Nation and a new version of The King of the Ring. We got very few details from Stephanie but it seems like next week’s RAW will shed more light on to what is going on with Bryan and the Championship. The WWE is very lucky that Kane is Bryan’s current opponent and he 1) wasn’t a real contender to win and 2) is such an established wrestler, didn’t have much else going on and near retirement that his character could essentially be put on pause. Could you imagine what would have happened if say Bray Wyatt was set for a huge match with Daniel Bryan at Payback? The WWE got very lucky. Or it shows how poorly the main WWE championship picture is, that we don’t really care?
So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 5/19/2014…
- Bray and The Wyatt Family (3) – Last week The Shield tried to pull off a “cold open” but it didn’t have a great impact on the viewers at home. I know I’m nitpicking but The Shield’s entrance works much better when they’re music hits and they come down through the crowd. The Wyatts, on the other hand, are perfectly suited to start off in a blacked out arena, siting in the center of the ring. It took a trip across the pond (or at least an audience full of marks) to get the Wyatt Army in full swing. I know the WWE doesn’t want Bray and The Wyatts to be faces but if you’re going to blackout the entire arena and have everyone use their cell phones like lighters at a Lynyrd Skynyrd during Freebird, you’re going to get some face heat. BUT, that doesn’t mean they couldn’t play the “bad-face” card. It’s a difficult task, and recent WWE writing doesn’t inspire great confidence that they can pull it off, but NWO did it. DX did it. Even Ziggler did it when he was WWE Champ with AJ and Big E at his side (god forbid the WWE remembers that). It can be done. This week’s RAW also proved that you don’t always need to push the theatrics. Maybe the WWE and Wyatts have earned the fan equity, to which the Wyatts have built-in the darkness to their character, using simple lighting and a dark arena with the fan’s lights was a better effect than herding in 100 kids with sheep masks to surround the ring. Let’s not skip over Harper, who has been showing a lot of promise. Right as I was thinking this was a pretty good brawler match, Harper pulled off a flurry of high-flying agility moves. To finish the match, Bray whipped out some of the fastest Sister Abigails ever seen. As far as RAW endings, going out with Bray singing, Harper counting down and Cena laid out for a 10-count, this was excellent. Too bad Payback isn’t this Sunday. We’ll be running this same thing back next week. Finally, can we call Harper’s power move a “Moonshine Driver” instead of Michinoku?
- John Cena w/ the Usos (2) – If you listen to the BEARcast - WrestleCast (cheap plug for www.worldofbear.com) you’ll know that Fred “The Oracle” got his wish for the crowd to start singing “John Cena sucks…” in rhythm to Cena’s theme song. We learned that the Bray / Cena match at Payback will be a Last Man Standing match. Initially this sounds like a good match but then it hit me that Bray will win via help from Harper and Rowan, which will mean this feud will continue and not end at Payback. Bray needs to move past Cena. Ironically, Cena is benefiting more from this feud than Bray is. Bray’s hot and could challenge for gold or go against anyone. Where does Cena go after this Wyatt run? If Cena looses at Payback, this feud will be tied at 1-1 and will continue to the next PPV. Don’t tell me this lasts until SummerSlam?!?!
- Rollins w/ Shield (1) – The Shield do what they do best, a backstage / bowels of the arena shoot. Dean Ambrose clearly steals my slurred / stoned vocal delivery (which can be found on the BEARcast at www.worldofbear.com) but imitation is the greatest form of flattery, so I’m honored. The week wouldn’t be complete if Rollins didn’t steal the show with an awesome move. I’ve never seen someone sell an elbow or clothesline like Rollins did. Even guys like Ziggler will flip and make it look like their heads are being taken off but Rollins looked like a dead body flipping around. It was so amazing that the WWE showed it three times. I can’t imagine The Shield loosing at Payback but this is wrestling and with the elimination stipulation for the rematch, who knows? This only makes sense if The Shield wins and Evolution puts them over as faces and during the match, Evolution are the ones who experience some sort of inner turmoil. (fingers crossed)
- Batista w/ Evolution (4) – HHH as Guest Announcer and RKO as Guest Time Keeper? It’s good to be the King of Kings. This goes to show Boo-tista has the ability to put on quality matches. Yes, this was filled with interference but Batista and Rollins were good. The whole match could have been a clusterfuck but it turned out to be really fun and I enjoyed the ending. It’s fascinating that Evolution was / is supposed to put The Shield over but with their quality mic work and their in-ring excellence, The Shield is helping make Evolution better heels. Assuming Batista is taking some time off to promote Guardians of the Galaxy, and the elimination / no holds barred stipulations of their match at Payback, I’m guessing we see dissension between Evolution members. Maybe this time Evolution will turn on Batista versus last time when Evolution turned on RKO? I’ll give the WWE this, they know how to frame a good camera shot.
- Cesaro w/ advocate Paul Heyman (N/A) – Once again, Heyman is the show stealer. Only Heyman can piss everyone off everyone by insulting a country’s octogenarian queen and at the same time fight the crowd from chanting with him. Most wrestling performers die for crowd heat, Heyman plays with it like David Blaine and a deck of cards. I know the belt’s names don’t really mean anything but is it wrong of me to think that at least one participant in a US Championship match should be, you know, from the United States? I have the same beliefs with the IC strap. Ireland’s Sheamus took on the Swiss Superman Cesaro? The only thing more disturbing than two foreigners battling for the US belt was the way Cesaro started to hump Sheamus like a dog in heat during their lockups. As you can tell, I’m complaining just to complain. Cesaro and Heyman are great. I’ll even look past the cheap win due to Heyman’s distraction. While I might not agree with the intercontinental participants in the US championship, it will bring out the best in Cesaro trying to win the belt and has clearly helped raise the quality in Sheamus’s matches.
- Sheamus (11) – He’s going to get a semi-pop for being from the British Isles but he’s still an Irishman. Every movie, from Braveheart to Rob Roy to Hunger and every Robin Hood incarnation, tells me that the British, Irish and Scottish don’t like each other. But I supposed it’s similar to being a fan of the Dodgers / Angels or Lakers / Clippers, except without all the bloodshed and war, of course. My loyalties lie with the Dodgers and Lakers but if they’re not in the playoffs, I’ll root for the Angels or Clippers. I always figure most of the world lines up against the Swiss. You can never trust the Swiss and their pacifism. “Oh, we’re neutral. Keep us out of any wars. Feel free to deposit your Nazi money in our banks.” Pick a side, you spineless bastards! Up until the cheap loss, the Sheamus / Cesaro match was really good. The past few weeks Sheamus has put on good segments. I’m down to see where this feud goes.
- Stephanie McMahon (15) – As the WWE fashion expert, I give her a B- for tonight’s outfit. She is a master on the mic but it’s the subtle things she does that makes her so good. Hopping around, mimicking Daniel Bryan’s entrance is a piece of art. Stephanie is able to shoot and further the story without telling us anything. Think about the job she had to do. Nothing was going to happen, assumedly because the WWE still doesn’t know the exact timeframe for Bryan’s return, but Stephanie needed to address the situation, give the audience a Bryan surgery update and then push the storyline to next week. She offered up options which was the best part of her shoot. It was great to hear the fans’ reaction to each solution and wrestler she offered up as champion. In the end, nothing happened and we need to tune in next week to see if Bryan will show up and / or see what The Authority will do with the WWE championship. Great bit of business of turning something out of nothing.
- Rob Van Dam (12) – RVD vs ADR in the BtC contest. The acronym match of the night. The good news was that the match wasn’t going to go longer than the previous match-time set at 5:02. The bad news was that, out of all the BtC participants, RVD and ADR are two wrestlers that I would have liked to see a normal contest between. RVD won and set the new BtC time at 4:15. Not only did RVD take over Big E’s best time but also took over his spot watching the RAW feed. Doesn’t it feel like RVD looked a bit bewildered at Big E’s post? “Dude, so, you’re telling me whatever I see on this screen is what’s going on in the ring behind me? Whaaaoooo. Mind blown!”
- Alberto Del Rio (N/A) – Because I’m picking apart every little thing done on RAW, sometimes it feels like I’m watching the Zapruder film for three hours each Monday night. Looking for clues to what the future holds. I’d tell you that the future is a world that depends on role models like ADR to guide the children of the world. To lead them into the light and to follow him to a better tomorrow. Basically, he’s sticking around and his new character arc will harken back to one of his original themes, as the hero the WWE Universe needs. This could be the start of his next big push OR nothing at all and I’m way too into Monday nights. ADR does do a mean Bobby DeNiro.
- Alicia Fox (10) – I hate to work a little blue, but I have to be honest with what I see, we had a bit of a Fox-camel-toe issue to start the match. Putting my perversions aside, this was a much anticipated match. Unfortunately it fell a little short compared to Alicia and Paige’s previous match-ups. This time, it was clear why Alicia snapped and had a tantrum after the match. She got the clean win and didn’t win the championship. It was funny watching Alicia checking the cups to find the one that had soda vs beer. I guess pouring beer on oneself is obscene but a kid’s soda is PG acceptable? I’ll never understand censorship.
- Paige (9) – Paige got the home country pop. I live by the theory that you can’t have more than two weeks in a row of quality Diva matches. This week proved that theory. Paige and Alica didn’t have a horrible match but nothing compared to their previous two. It was a bit shocking to see Paige lose in front of her home crowd. But because this wasn’t a sanctioned “Divas Championship Title Match” it meant nothing. It came off flat because; 1) Paige lost in front of her home crowd and 2) The loss was meaningless because the title wasn’t on the line so it didn’t matter that she lost, Paige is still the champ. This is where I get to claim that these clean losses by champions but no title changes hands are bullshit. I understand the Diva roster might be thin but how many times do Paige and Alicia Fox need to fight before the match actually counts?
- Dolph Ziggler (6) – My excitement to hearing Ziggler’s music hit was muted by the fact that there was no way Ziggler was beating Henry, let alone in less than 4:15. Ziggler has gotten more run lately and continues to be his awesome self. He damn near beat Henry in an exciting match. I don’t want to see a prolonged feud between the two but I’d be more than happy to see Ziggler vs Henry one more time without the clock running to see how that match would end. It shouldn’t last too much longer. Part of the beauty of that match was that Ziggler needed to out-quick Henry’s power in order to beat him.
- Mark Henry (N/A) – Fought Ziggler in the BtC and while neither of them won, both got screen time and as we’ve discussed, being on RAW is one step closer to having a meaningful run. I don’t expecting Henry and Ziggler to continue fighting each other but they did put on a surprisingly strong match. The contrast in styles was interesting. There’s been a lot of rumblings about a new Nation starting. I’m told TNA is doing something similar with MVP? Unfortunately it’s happening on TNA and well, “If a tree falls in the woods…” All I know is that when the new Corporate Nation takes place, I want to be on record of calling it. It’s so obvious and would be perfect. Henry could be the leader. He’s perfect to tie in the previous incarnation and the new one.
- #BadNewsBarrett (N/A) – You knew Barrett was going to get the hometown crowd and cheap pop. It would have been nice to see him in a match before 20,000 of his countrymen and women but I guess that’s too much to ask of the WWE? Instead we get three BtC matches to decide who will challenge Barrett for his IC belt. Not to beat a dead horse, but you’ve got an English IC champ in London and on your flagship television program he barely makes an appearance. What a splendid use of an asset…
- Big E (17) – Thank you Mr. E for putting us out of our collective misery by finishing off Ryback in 5:02. Last week I heralded a Big E vs Rusev match to find out which big man with similar styles would prevail. You’d think that Ryback would fit into that same mold but he don’t. Can we please have a story where Big E isn’t watching RAW from backstage? Now it’s just getting creepy. Big E has used up all his backstage-monitor-watching privileges for 2014.
- Alexander Rusev w/ Lana (16) – I felt sorry for the UK fans. Cheer for the hated Russian or the mockery that is the Union Jacks. Was it not bad enough that 5 Seconds of Summer were compared to the Beatles on Sunday night’s Billboard Music Awards? What, you know nothing of this because no one watches the BBMA? I guess I really am a shut-in who watches too much TV. The only two people truly benefiting from the escalating tensions between the US and it’s allies against Russia are Rusev and Lana. But as I mentioned last week, how far do they take this if the hostilities get really bad? With help of Photoshop and a few flag switches, Rusev continued to get some hot heel heat. Lana has turned into my second favorite manager behind Heyman. Way behind, she’s still a valet while Heyman is an Advocate.
- Adam Rose vs Jack Swagger w/ Zeb (13&14) – Rose is from Australia but to our uncivilized American ears, he sounds like he’s British. Close enough, right? I’m still not totally sold on the gimmick and it will depend on his in-ring skills. If he does get over he needs to give a portion of his check to Zeb. Zeb has been a great foil for Mr. Rose. Payback can’t come soon enough so that we can see Rose in action vs Swagger. Feuding with Rose is like going to the Halloween costume party from Karate Kid and Swagger’s new “Big Hoss” workout jacket makes him look like the teacher from Cobra Kai. That should be Swagger’s new gimmick and Zeb can play the über master from Karate Kid part 3. This is all fun and games. We’ll see how this little feud plays out and then both Rose and Swagger will be challenged to keep any kind of heat moving on to real opponents.
- Ryback w/ Curtis Axel (20) – “The Big Guy” not only is a horrible name but Ryback also gave us a horrible shoot to set up the Big E / Ryback match. I delt like I was hit with a tranquilizer dart and it was a race against time to see if I could stay awake through the end of the match. That’s the true Beat the Clock aspect of their match. Why does it bother me so much when Ryback starts pounding on his chest like a guerrilla? Fuck it, just keep doing it for as long as possible. Thump away for 30 seconds. Win me over by taking it to the extreme. I do find Ryback slightly less annoying than Axel, so maybe it’s Curtis Axel that’s the real issue for this tag team? My time is too valuable to waste thinking about this, so….
- Fandango w/ Layla (18) – Layla is British born? I thought she was Mexican? Not to get too geopolitical but Layla is an example of the future of the human race where everyone is just some shade of brown with exotic features. Not even the stringent of racist could complain about more Laylas in the world. What I can complain about…talk about poorly worded transitions…is that we didn’t get a good cat fight last week, well the WWE must have been listening because we got one with the returning Summer Rae returning to reclaim her man meat. Who knows where this is going but once again, it’s a storyline and the last few times we saw Summer, she was putting on some above average Diva matches. I’m refrain from any rulings until I see more.
- The Union Jacks aka 3MB (N/A) – Heath Slater got slaughtered by Rusev. Thank you Mother Russia. While I admire 3MB for being on the KCC crew, I still can’t stand their gimmick. The only time in the last few years that I’ve found them even slightly acceptable has been when they take on the persona of the city that they are in. In London, they become The Union Jacks. When they were in Nashville, they were something else. If they want to gain favor and be more than nameless jobbers, be creative. They could still lose each week, but at least lose with flair and get a cheap pop from the crowd.
Honorable Mentions
German Announce table – I guess, the German announce table is Europe’s version of our Spanish announce table. The German announce team looks exactly as I would have pictured them in my mind. So white, so joyous, so dorky.
Beat the Clock Challenge – Themed events / promotions such as tournaments and Beat the Clock are great tools to give large groups of characters something to do without any backstory. I hope WWE Creative doesn’t rely too much on cheap gimmicks like these instead of working out fully fleshed out stories. In the meantime, I’ll take the cheap gimmick over nothing. The drawback with Beat the Clock is that when you’ve got a boring match (I’m talking to you Ryback), the clock only makes things worse. The big clock in the corner tells me, “I’ve been watching this crap for 5 minutes?”
Bo-lieve – He’s making his debut this Friday on Smackdown. Is it enough to get me to watch SmackDown? I doubt it. That’s what YouTube and the WWE Network are for.
R-Truth w/ The Funkadactyls – Well, they got to rap…kinda?
Side Note(s)
Wolfenstein: The New Order is yet another video game that looks awesome but shows how old I am. Who doesn’t want to kill robot Nazis on the moon? Like TitanFall a few months ago, there’s no way I can keep up with these kids online. It also makes me feel old because I remember playing the original Castle Wolfenstein back in computer lab in middle school. It was the first FPS that I ever played and was addicted to it every recess for a full semester. That was about 20 years ago. Shit, I’m fucking old.
Until next time…
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