WWE Power Rankings, RAW 11-04-2013

Coming at you from Greenville (that’s in South Carolina which is somewhere down the east coast of the country, yeah, I didn’t know either), in what felt like two weeks since we last got together maybe it should have been three.  Instantly there were a few tell-tale signs that we might have a stinker on hand.  First was there was no mention of where the show was originating from (always a bad omen).  Next, you could tell by the crowd shots that they were in what looks to be a converted airplane hanger (nothing wrong with small crowds, but going off the last time the WWE was in such a small arena, we had one of the worst WTF episodes of RAW.).  Next CM Punk came out with the weirdest Squiggy/Eddie Munster hairstyle (not a big deal but it’s a sign that no one is watching over the details).  Instantly we’re shown a clip package from last week’s show.  Aaaaannnnddd here’s were concern sets in.  If the story is not memorable enough that you need to show clips of last week before anyone comes out to speak or wrestle, it’s not a good sign.  This isn’t Me trying to look down on the production, the facts speak for themselves.  I’m fine with a pre-credits “previously on” or during the monologue they want to show clips but every time they shoehorn last weeks story into the beginning of RAW, it’s usually not a good sign.  Of course that’s why they wrestle the matches and do the shoots (to steal a phrase from real sports) but I’ve watched enough wrestling to know when to be worried.  Hopefully I’m wrong, it’s easier to write this based on a good show.  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 11/04/2013…

1. Randy Orton (9) – RKO is the most recent wrestler to be on the wrong side of the WWE promotion machine.  In yet another stupid gimmick whose only purpose is to promote the world’s worst app, RKO came to the ring without knowing who his opponent would be because guess who gets to decide?  We, the unnamed viewers with internet access.  Should the same people who were allowed to vote Ted Cruz into the Senate be allowed to pick who fights the WWE Champion.  I know some will say that one is a farcical title that has lost it’s luster over the years and the people involved are more interested in putting on a show and keeping their job than actually getting a resolution that makes everyone happy, and the other one is who will be the WWE Champion; to which we shouldn’t insult the long history and great tradition of the WWE Championship by letting the unwashed masses decide who the Champ should face.  But these are the times we live in.  Thank god that RKO sold the shit out of his promo.  Classic heel speech!  I loved it and he killed it.  RKO, you are my champion.  Oh, and by the way, good match.  If anyone had doubts about RKO’s wrestling, he can put on a good match with the likes of Daniel Bryan and Big E Langston.  You’d be hard to find two wrestling styles that are on the polar ends of the wrestling spectrum.  
2. CM Punk (13) – The show opener.  Hairstyle choice aside, you can’t go too wrong with Punk as your opener.  Although last week’s rematch of the PPV the night before against Ryback was a bit of a let down, we at least have a new path for Punk.  Punk vs The Wyatt Family.   I can’t say that I see this feud lasting too long on it’s own but my initial thought was to remember that Summer Slam is the next PPV and the Wyatts are heavily marketed for SS.  Maybe before we get to whomever Punk will feud with at WM30, we’re going to get a ‘Series match with The Wyatts VS a group of faces?  I’m down with that.  It’s not Shakespeare but it won’t hurt Punk and it will give the Wyatts the lift that they need to get to the next level.  Punk’s in the unique situation where he can go for any champion or wrestler he wants or if the company needs him to help lift other character’s profile, he can job to them without loosing his status with the crowd.  a few losses isn’t going to hurt Punk especially when even in losses, he puts on great matches.  And Punk needs to get a little dirty.  A little crazy.  So throw him in the swamp of crazy that is The Wyatt Family.  I’m talking myself into this more and more as I go on.  As for the match with Harper of The Wyatts, “They were who we thought they were!” (Denny Green, former NFL coach).  Punk was solid and Harper, who has proven to be more than competent, was stout as the “monster” to Punk’s “underdog” role in the match.  As with most big men, Harper could work on his bump-taking but other than that it was a good match.  Punk being the victor of record but some extracurricular activity went on after the match when the rest of The Wyatts assaulted Punk, which then led to Bryan rushing to Punk’s aid, chair in tow.
3. Daniel Bryan (11) – Continuing along last week’s storyline, Bryan came out to help Punk as the Wyatts predictably attacked Punk after his match with Harper.  Bryan was viciously attacked by The Wyatts and as I touched on with Punk, this could be the beginning of a ‘Series match setup.  I don’t recall if Punk and Bryan have been teamed up together but they’re certainly a good pairing.  They could be the 2013 version of the Super Powers with Bryan as the “vitamin taking, fan favorite, kid friendly, Hogan-esque underdog-hero” and Punk the “bad but cool, goes by his own rules, mark favorite, Savage-esque anti-hero”.  Maybe B-cup-Bella can play the role of Ms. Elizabeth (RIP).  The small crowd in Greenville certainly went ape-shit their pairing.
4. The Wyatt Family (12) –  As I mentioned in Punk’s breakdown, I could have been looking too far ahead.  Survivor Series is later this month and sometimes you have to see what’s in front of you not what’s six months down the line.  For The Wyatt Family to be taken seriously, they've needed to step up their game.  What better pop than to have them take on Punk, Bryan and some other superstar(s) in a Survivor Series match.  Let’s not forget the whole “The devil made me do it.” issue.  I know I’m pushing their ranking but consider at SmackDown they’ll be fighting a very similar match with Bryan and that they’re the lynchpin that’s bringing Punk and Bryan together.  That’s gotta be worth something.
5. Cody Rhodes and Goldust (5) – I almost forgot they were on the show and they probably had the longest match on RAW.  They were very good.  Obviously they gave Cena a boost of energy like I haven’t seen in a while because when the match was over, Cena seemed more excited about the win than the crowd was.  Another case of “who’d you play” because I had Cody and Goldust at #2 but I couldn’t justify it when they’re opponents are the Real Americans. 
6. Alberto Del Rio (15) – The travesty of ADR dropping the World belt to Cena is still sticking in my craw.  There’s no reason for ARD to not be the Champ.  If he had the belt, any belt, his matches would be even better.  I say this after giving his match with Kofi great praise.  The match was terrific.  Kofi is clearly the better athlete but that doesn’t make him the better wrestler.  ADR was just as awesome.  For a run-o-the-mill RAW match, this was awesome.  All I’m saying is, how great would it be if ADR had a belt that Kofi or Ziggler or Sandow could be chasing after?  It would just add so much more to the feud.  Damn you Cena!!!  I’d say he held his own and was fairly entertaining while commentating with Zeb but it was a long match and by the end he was running out of steam.  I’d like to see you wrestle and then turn on the creative side of your brain and do the commentary on someone else’s match while verbally sparing against a manager whose only role is to talk.
7. Kofi Kingston (N/A) – It feels like we haven’t seen much of Kofi for the past month.  Each time he’s been on, he’s been great.  I wish he’d been fighting ADR in a feud for the World belt but hey, I’ll take what I can get.  Did anyone notice that he did a flip over the top rope, completely missed ADR (who was there to pad the fall) and almost landed on his feet and just popped up like it was nothing.  99.9% of the people in the world would have broken at least five bones.  This guy epic fails a move and it actually looks cooler than if he did the move correctly!  Freak athlete.  Great match.
8. Damien Sandow (2) – The Uncrowned Champion, saddled with being paired up with the Real Americans.  In one of the strangest groupings, there wasn’t much room for Sandow to shine.  He started off with a solid promo but it was interrupted by the Real Americans.  That was the theme that was carried into the match.  Sandow was doing fine but he was smushed in with the Real Americans which took away from any real run he could have had at Cena.  You’re starting to see the makings of what would be the various “teams” if the WWE pushes this out to the Survivor Series.  If that’s the ultimate destination then this all makes sense.  At the very least we’re getting set up for a 3-way match between Cena, Sandow, and ADR which is fine with me.
9. Big E Langston (6) – Nothing against Big E, I really like him, but there’s no way in hell he gets 75% of the vote to face RKO.  That’s like when Saddam Hussein gets 110% of the votes cast when he ran for president of Iraq.  But Ok, if Big E “Lebron” Langston wants to talcum powder and lion print his way to the ring to take on RKO, I'm down for it, alls I’m saying is that the vote is BS.  Big E proved that he’s more than capable of putting on a compelling wrestling match.  For a powerhouse he’s got enough agility to be more than just a guy who can perform one or two suplexes.  How about this comparison, he’s TAZ 2.0?  Obviously he was going to loose but he didn’t hurt his Q rating at all.  If anything, this match solidified that Big E has staying power and should be a threat in the WWE universe.    
10. The Usos (4) – I hate to bump down the Usos because they did nothing wrong.  Like the hated BCS college football ranking system, strength of schedule matters.  While a well performed win by the Usos, it was against 3MB.  They needed to run up the score if they were going to keep such a high ranking from last week.  The problem was that they only got a few minutes to perform (god forbid we take time away from a Los Matadores bit).  Sorry for the drop but keep doing your Samoan-thing and you’ll be back up the list.  
11. The Shield (1) – It took 2 hours, 56 minutes to get a Shield sighting.  I thought for sure I’d have to put them in the Honorable Mentions just to point out they were not forgotten.  Hell, I wouldn’t begrudge them because they seem to have worked every show for the last year.  I’m sure they could use a week off.  I’ve got to drop them because it was a packed show with a lot going on and like the Usos, the quality of their opponents, or lack there of, is the main reason for them being dropped. 
12. HHH and Stephanie (8) – Oh my, just when I thought we were going to have an off night from the King of Kings and the WWE Princess…SHOTS FIRED, SHOTS FIRED!  It took 2 hours and 11 minutes to get the first non-taped words from these two but they delivered.  Just as an ace pitcher saves his splitter for the final strike, Stephanie waited for HHH to rant and rave and then threw a nasty splitter that just made HHH look like a fool for trying to swing.  “You’ve never complained about taking McMahon money before?!?!”  SHOTS FIRED.  Some will say that they’re planting seeds of a McMahon corporate split but I think they just like to troll the fans.  In fact I know they like trolling the fans.  You can almost see them saying, “You know what will get the crowd at home worked up…”  Certainly they knew they had the Korporate Kane bullet locked and loaded to surprise us all.  Kane looked like a deranged used car salesman.  We now have the “Authority’s” Survivor Series team or grouping if they wanted to (and I really hope it doesn’t get any bigger, this is perfect) The Shield, Korporate Kane and RKO.  That’s a tough team to beat.  Oh yeah, and HHH is the ring leader!  All of this and the confrontation with the Big Show happened in the last 10 minutes of the show.  Talk about squeezing in under the wire.
13. The Big Show (10) – First off, nice suit big man.  No jokes.  If you think it’s easy to be 7 feet+, between 400-500 lbs and find a suit that makes you look like a normal human than you’re the same kind of stupid that thinks to cook moonshine you just need a little water, yeast, corn, a copper bucket and a bath tub; both things are a lot harder to do than you could imagine.  To then see it ripped from his body, I’m sure that was the biggest disappointment of Show’s night.  You can always heal from an ass kicking but finding clothes that fit, that’s almost impossible.  On the plus side (no pun intended) he got his job back and his title match at ‘Series.  I can only imagine it’s going to be hell for him the next few weeks leading up to that match.  On a side note for The Big Show, tonight’s RAW is why he’s so hard to book.  It’s not because he’s a “monster” it’s because deep down he’s a gentle and funny giant.  He shines when doing comedic or emotional acting.  He’s not a mean guy and from all accounts he’s the same backstage.  He’s always seemed to be more comfortable laughing or crying than he’s ever been at being a ravenous rage monster hell bent on destruction.  If anyone had the foresight to cast him on a TV show or movie as a regular person that just happens to be gigantic, he’s exceed all expectations.  You almost feel sorry for him because being the size he is puts him in a box.  It’s like when you see are really tall black guy.  First thing that comes to mind is, “I bet he played basketball.”  Yet another fascinating person that I’d love to interview.  
14. John Cena (3) – Love him or hate him, Cena IS the Face of the WWE.  When it comes to doing all the stuff The Face of the WWE is supposed to do, there’s no one better.  Is there anyone better at OR is there anyone that the fans would put up with breaking character to literally make an announcement regarding the Susan G Komen charity?  Nope.  He’s the man.  Now let’s transition back to the show.  I’m almost over the insanity of Cena winning the World strap from ADR on his first appearance back on WWE airwaves.  Whether Cena will be a part of a ‘Series match or just a 3-way I’m OK with it.  Cena / Sandow / ADR should be a great match.  If Cena is your least talented wrestler, you’re fine because as we’ve discussed Cena is like water and will find his level.  If Sandow and ADR are carrying the match, Cena will rise to the occasion and compliment them nicely.  If there’s any justice he’ll loose.   
15. Dolph Ziggler (N/A) – With no buildup or story that would lead up to his match against Curtis Axel, Ziggler did what he always does…put over his fellow wrestler.  If you were to watch just this match, you’d think Axel has a dropkick that could literally decapitate you.  Ziggler has to be the most underrated and underused wrestler.  I hate to sound like a broken record.  It was nice to see Ziggler finally get a win but 1) it was against Axel which isn’t saying much and 2) the intercontinental belt wasn’t up for grabs.  It can be said that Axel has degraded the IC belt so much that you don’t want to win it.  Winning the IC belt would be a step back for someone like Ziggler.  My point would be that people are dumb and given time they forget the past.  Sure, it would be a step back for Ziggler to win THIS IC belt but given time and enough quality matches, he’s bring up the level of the IC belt.  Do we look at the WWE title and say, Oh well the Miz was once the WWE champ so being the WWE champ is meaningless?  No.  It just means that some champs are better and more worthy than others.  The IC belt is doing nothing on / for Axel so give it to someone who will do something with it.  We get caught up in what things mean today but forget that time and events change the meaning of almost everything.
16. Heyman (N/A) – Never has anyone done so much with so little (other than Santino, SAN-TIN-OOOOOO.  I’m going for it like Charles Barkley screaming Ginobili).  He’s not in the arena.  There’s not even video of him.  Just a phone call and about 90 seconds.  If you don’t enjoy Heyman or if you want more out of him, then you don’t understand great wrestling shoots or the brevity of wit.  You could argue my 4,000+ word Power Rankings spit in the face of brevity, but I do understand greatness when I see / hear it.  From the absurdity of his injuries to him being in Europe for treatment (he must be on the Kobe health care plan) to the Israeli doctor to his use of his family to his crying and even to his abrupt hang-up, it was so perfect.  A second longer and the shoot would have been stupid.  Heyman is great.  How’s that for brevity.  
17. Real Americans w/ Zeb (18) – The Real Americans are nothing and we can passover them like a Jewish holiday.  Once Cesaro escapes this gimmick I’ll be more than happy to spend time talking about him because I think he’s got the skills to do something.  Otherwise the only interesting aspect of this group is Zeb.  As a character he’s racially and morally reprehensible and the caricature of all that’s evil with the Tea Party.  But he’s also become the only thing interesting about the Real Americans.  I’m stuck watching / listening to see what he does / says next.  When handled correctly and not taken seriously, he can be funny.  The problem is that people take him seriously and don’t see him as caricature.  It’s like watching Fox News.  You flip the channel to see what they’re talking about and within minutes you’re screaming at the TV because you can’t imagine people having these opinions let alone having a “news” network AND it getting such high ratings.  I enjoyed Zeb and ADR’s banter (another proof of ADR’s potential in and out of the ring).  I found it funny how Michael Cole got Zeb to agree with ADR about something.  Most amazingly I found it hilarious that Zeb and I agreed that it was preposterous that Cena gets to come back and immediately challenge (and win) the World title from ADR.  At some point I’ll have to give Zeb and the WWE credit for playing with my head and emotions, but today will not be that day.  These goofballs can stay at the bottom of the Power Rankings. 
18. Curtis Axel (N/A) – Wow!  Look mom, a Curtis Axel sighting.  Axel should send half his paycheck this week and a thank you note saying, “Dear Mr. Ziggler.  Thank you, sir, for putting me over and making me look competent in the ring.  Even in defeat, you made me look twice as good as I actually am.  Thank the lord, Vincent K McMahon, for letting me keep the IC belt another week.  It was a pleasure working with you and you’ve shown me what it means to be a true professional wrestler.  I hope to work on my skills enough so that next time we perform, I can hold up my end of the match.  Thanks again, Sincerely Curtis Axel.”  My crystal ball tells me that it will not be long before Mr. Axel is not IC champion.  Yes, I know it’s not much of a limb that I’m venturing out on.
19. 3MB (19) – Jobbin’ like this is an art.  At this point it seems that 3MB are under the belief if they tank enough they’ll get the first pick in next years NBA draft and can recruit Andrew Wiggins onto their team.  It can’t be easy being the Washington Generals of the WWE.  I hope that they are making a decent living.   
20. Los Matadores (20) – I now know two things, 1) the WWE owes me 5 minutes of life that I wasted watching this horrible team and their stupid promo, and 2) Diego is the circumcised masked hombres.  Let’s just say they’re pants were a little too tight and a little to satin-y for my tastes (that came out wrong…no wait, THAT came out wrong too…forget it.  I’m not gay but I can see your damn cock for god sakes.).  Thank god a midget bull came running in and tried to seduce (?) Renee Young with his horns.  What am I saying?  I’m down for some freaky stuff but this may be too much for me.

Honorable Mentions

Korporate Kane – Basically see HHH and Stephanie’s ranking because he didn’t do anything.  He was a surprise and a complete shocker wearing regular clothes for the first time in 15+ years.  He’s so creepy looking normal that you realized, he’s less scary with a mask, fake hair and in full costume.  

SAN-TIN-OOOOOOO – It’s unfortunate that he only has a few lines.  It’s also unfortunate that he seems doomed to forever be a joke in the WWE and never get a real run at anything.  He delivers my favorite line, “we both know I don’t eat carbs after 6, Ryback.”

Ryback – This was a last minute demotion to the HM list.  The show was too packed to keep him in the top 20.  You almost have to feel sorry for Ryback at this very moment.  Just this weekend a big scandal broke in the NFL regarding bullying and a Miami Dophin player.  There couldn’t be a worse time, socially, for Ryback to have a run based on being a bully.  Then again…maybe it’s the perfect time.  As touched on, the WWE doesn’t do sedulity well.  But the fight against bullying is huge right now.  It’s one of the things the WWE speaks out against as a company.  This is not a time to tippy-toe around a subject.  Take it head on and make Ryback be the ultimate bully so that he can get his ass kicked and everyone can have a cathartic resolution and teach the kids not to bully.  ‘Course the real lesson could be, do a bunch of steroids and get to be jacked like a brick house and no one will mess with you.  Either way, it gives Ryback something to do.  I wasn’t sure what his next move was going to be.  He should be grateful that he now has a direction.  Also, the person to put an end to his reign of bullying will get a big pop so it will probably be a high ranking Superstar.  This will keep him in the spotlight. 

David Otunga and the Law – The breakdown of The Big Show’s lawsuit against the WWE was great.  I’m sure every lawyer will say that this was just some stupid wrestling show gimmick, but we can all think of a news story that had to do with some sleazy lawyer-ese suit or attorney spin that was more ridiculous than “Discrimination in the Workplace for Gigantism.”

AJ / Snuka / Oksana vs Bellas / Eva Marie – Oh, thank the lord Total Divas is back on air this weekend.  I can’t remember if I’ve told you all how much I loathe that show?  Well let me start with a 5,000 word essay…You know, even if I was able to write a coherent essay on how much I hated but still was drawn to watching Total Divas (like a moth to a bug zapper) I wouldn’t want to be responsible for anyone else committing suicide.  I have noticed one thing, which I’m almost reluctant to admit, but is it just me or has B-cup-Bella gotten a little nastier in the ring?  Maybe she’s been practicing with Bryan too much because she has that same high motor with a drop of twisted metal wedged in there.  All this while D-cup-Bella looks to have taken on some of Cena’s lumbering moves.  Maybe it’s in the semen or maybe it’s in the sweat but both’s significant others wrestling styles are rubbing off.  And yet another waste of AJ’s talents.  After a handful of good matches and a killer shoot, I hope all the WWE was waiting for was the return of this reality show.  AJ’s “pipe bomb” promo happened right at the end of the first run of the Total Divas show.  It would make sense to put off that feud until the show was back on and you had more fans of Total Divas tuned into RAW.  Fingers crossed. 

Fandango and Summer Rae vs TeeJay (Tyson Kidd) and Natalya – It’s unfortunate that a possibly interesting match between Fandango and Tyson Kidd was obstructed by the inclusion of Natalya and Summer Rae.  Oh wait, I didn’t know that Summer Rae was an expert at Words with Friends.  Well, that changes my whole outlook on chick wrestlers, I mean Divas.  Look, if we’re not talking about AJ, this is the only good that any of the Divas have done lately.  Thank you Jimmy Kimmel and staff for finding a way to make the Bellas entertaining.  Too bad the “E” in WWE doesn’t extend to the Divas.

Side Note(s)

If I was listening correctly, I believe the announcers stated that Cena was now a 14 time champion which put him in second place of all time championship reigns.  Not only is this the most insulting fact but also doubles down on the ludicrous notion that the World belt and the WWE belt are the same thing.  I know Cena hasn’t won the World title 13 other times.  This isn’t a Cena bashing, it’s a WWE corporate bashing.  The thing that I’ve enjoyed recently is that belts haven’t been switching hands every other week.  Cena is in the generation of wrestlers that had the belts hopping from waist to waist.  The WWE is really doing both belts, and all the former champions for each title, a disservice if they’re going to lump those “wins” together.  It’s the bastardization of what / who a Champion is.

Until next week…