WWE Power Rankings, RAW 11-25-2013

Coming at you from Long Island, last night was an unimaginative Survivor Series PPV.  It wasn't so much of a bad PPV (match by match), rather it was just boring and uninspired.  There wasn’t much difference between last week’s RAW and the PPV, except on RAW we got the 12-man match that we would have liked to have seen at Survivor Series.  There was no excitement and all the matches went according to prediction.  The “surprise” return of Mark Henry was called correctly by my friend Freddy D “The Oracle” even down to the timing, execution of the bit and the finish of the match.  Everything was just too predictable.  There was one shot that my whole crew thought, if executed, would have been the surprise move of the night.  Once Punk and Bryan won their match, there was an odd exchange between the two winners and Bray Wyatt.  Bryan dropped to his knees and was challenging him while Punk stood eerily behind him.  What a perfect time for a kick to the back of Bryan’s head and for Punk to turn heel again (finally).  The participants were all set, the cameras were in place but nothing ended up happening.  That wouldn’t have saved the PPV from the bore-fest it became but it would have at least been something to talk about.  “Boring” was loudly shouted by the crowd during the Big Show / RKO match, which I can’t imagine was what the WWE was hoping for during the main event.  By the end, the crowd had full right to call the PPV bullshit.  All the champs retained their titles in easy fashion.  The traditional Survivor Series matches all went as envisioned.   My crew and I had a 30 minute debate over the top rap albums of the 90’s which was far more entertaining (more on this later).  

OK, so what?  It’s not the first PPV to suck and it won’t be the last.  It certainly wasn’t the worst PPV ever.  It was just very vanilla.  

One last complaint, a more serious business-side complaint, is that the WWE is screwing over the PPV buyers.  More and more, the WWE is putting on the exact same match on RAW the very next night as they did on the PPV.  I don’t mind if you want to give away a good match before the PPV (i.e. the 12-man tag on 11/18) but don’t have the same matches the next night free on RAW when a good portion of your audience just paid to see those matches at $60 a pop.  If Vince wants to complain about buy-rates on conference calls, maybe its because the WWE has made it unnecessary to buy the PPV.  There are too many PPVs per year and you undercut your own product.  You’ll see this throughout the rankings.  If I didn’t order the $60 Survivor Series, it would have been ok because I got a mini version of EVERY match from Sunday, free on Monday with the same winners.  That’s my two-second business complaint which has nothing to do with the wrestlers or the story telling.    

This is all about fun.  I was surrounded by good friends, lots of food and a second screen had the Patriots / Broncos game on (talk about a busy night for the Boston area).  OH, and this happened…

How could Mark Henry be in two places at once?  I doubt any of your parties had their own Sexual Chocolate appearances last night!  He’s magic.  And that's a 70-inch big screen just so you know we had the real deal!

Let’s have some fun.  Last night is in the rearview mirror and we’re just a hop-skip-and-a-jump away from Royal Rumble.  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 11/25/2013…

1. The Shield (1) – Ambrose got the short end of the stick during their ‘Series match and Reigns got the biggest spotlight.  Regardless, they were in the best match at the PPV.  They were even better on RAW vs Rhodes Family & Mysterio.  While I hope The Shield stays together for as long as possible, I know the WWE will eventually break them up, but until then cherish what you’re watching.  Reigns might be the eventual singles champ and have the highest career ceiling, Rollins is the absolute glue / workhorse and Ambrose is nearing Ziggler-level at selling spots.  I can’t recall one team working so well together on a consistent basis.  Not even brothers like the Rhodes or the Usos look so natural together and hit all their marks so perfectly week after week.  I’m so gay for The Shield.  Let’s not gloss over how they snuck in and laid out Punk.  I don’t know why they went after Punk or why the Wyatts took Bryan but if they can somehow turn a hostage exchange gone wrong into a feud with The Wyatts, they’ll go down as the best of all time.
2. RKO (2) – One of the “for sure things” that was going to happen at the PPV was some sort of overbooking of the WWE Championship match.  By coming out and not interfering with the WWE match, HHH and Stephanie interfered.  All of which was to lead up to the question “Who is the Face of the WWE?”  The final stare down between WWE champ RKO and World champ Cena set the ball rolling to a rumored unification match.  I know we’ve scene RKO / Cena before but not Champ vs Champ, in a TLC match and while RKO is at the peak of being the last true heel and Cena as the real face of the WWE / Super Cena.
3. Goldust and Cody Rhodes (1) – The Rhodes boys are consummate professionals and looked really solid.  I only wished they gave more character development time to Cody and Goldust.  I certainly miss Goldust’s antics.  If it’s true that we’re headed to a brother vs brother match at WM30, they can save their story-calories now because all it takes is a twist here, a turn there and a misplaced punch to the face at the Rumble for them to drop the belts and get the ball rolling for their feud.  A quick side note to the Goldust character.  I’m so happy Dustin Rhodes came back as The Gold One and not just lame Dustin Rhodes.  But a good question came up at our PPV nerd conclave, “How confusing is Goldust to the post-Attitude era generation of wrestling fans?”  Sure, everyone of my elk knows who Goldust is and his background.  He was Lady Gaga before Lady Gaga played her first note on the piano or wore her first meat-dress.  There’s been no mention of the sexuality of his character, obviously they’re not going to bring up his ex-wife Terri Runnels (who was one of the first women of the Attitude era) even though she was a big part of his character or the previous incarnations that included mental illness and various physical ticks.  My point being, what the hell do kids 15 and under think of Cody Rhodes’ brother?  They must wonder why the hell is he dressed like that and why when he cuts a promo it’s always some off the wall nonsense?   Nothing that makes Goldust, Goldust is ever brought up.  This is a subject for another day but seeing him interact with Michael Strahan reminded me of how bat-shit crazy he used to be, how it’s never addressed and what does the younger generation know of and think of the character Goldust?
4. John Cena (4) – Even my girlfriend, a huge Cena fan, was wondering what he was doing chasing after the “second tier” belt?  At least we have some answers to why ADR got jobbed so fast and what was the purpose of Cena having the World strap.  A long awaited unification match between Cena and RKO, or so we’re to believe someone has long been awaiting this unification.  Whatever…Super Cena pulls out the victory at ‘Series and is now on track to regain this throne as Face of the WWE and soon to be it’s unified champion.  You’d hope RKO has a chance but taking a step back, Super Cena having the unified belt(s) would polarize Cena even further.  I was surprise by the boos in Boston but it led to a great shot at the end with Cena (the most aware and most comfortable in his own skin wrestler) holding up his retained belt in front of 10 hardcore fans with huge Cena Suck signs.  I appreciate that he knows he has two audiences and plays with them both equally well.  No other wrestler so divided a crowd and at the same time had both sides of the divide go apeshit.  
5. CM Punk (1) – Who knew Punk was good on a mic??????  It’s been far too long since we’ve gotten a promo from Punk.  If you’ve picked up on my sarcasm, you can guess he killed it.  You forget that when Punk is given the time and is properly motivated, he really is “the best in the world” at lighting pipe bombs and putting on great matches (although he needs a better finisher than the GTS).  I don’t have a read on what’s going on between him and the Wyatts.  I can’t tell you where or how his relationship with Bryan is going to end up.  All I know is that if Punk’s inner spark plug is cranked up again, we (the audience) will be the better for it.  While his feud with Heyman was epic, Heyman was the star of that.  Punk was made to fight the likes of Ryback and Axel, who did not bring out the best in Punk.  Punk looks fully engaged and I’m excited to see what’s upcoming.
6. The Wyatt Family (1) – Yet another rematch of the previous night’s PPV.  It might not be today, tomorrow or the day after that but at some point, the PPV buying audience will revolt against this ass-fisting from the WWE.  Back to the Wyatts (it’s not them who book these matches), they have more abandoned plot lines than Lost had.  Who is sister Abigail?  Who is the “devil” that makes them do things?  Why do they light a gas lantern, blow it out, come out with a “turned on” electric lantern, then BLOW out the electric lantern and how does that act turn on and off the lights of the arena?  Is there any significance to Rowan wearing a gas station attendant’s uniform?  Does he supplement his income by working on the other wrestler’s cars?  What’s the purpose of the lamb mask?  How does Bray Wyatt, who lives in a swamp, keep his white pants so fresh and so clean clean?  Now that they have Bryan, what’s going to happen with him?  Why did they go after Punk in the first place?  What did they do with Kane?  The list of questions goes on and on…but I’m still a fan.  (FYI, I was a fan of Lost all the way to the final episode too, which I loved.  Interpret that info however you’d like.)
7. Daniel Bryan (1) – You have to feel a little sorry for Bryan.  He’s a skilled wrestler.  He’s got a gimmick that’s popular beyond my comprehension.  Few have worked as hard to get were he’s gotten.  Yet next to Punk, he’s still an amateur.  Other than all that, he’s fine.  As with Punk, I have no idea what’s going on with him and the Wyatts.
8. Big E Langston and Mark Henry (8/N/A) – As stated, one of the biggest pet peeves my crew has is that we pay $60 for a match on PPV and the very next night you get the same match for free on RAW.  This time, the WWE squished together the Henry / Ryback and the Big E / Axel matches.  What’s worse is that I enjoyed this superpower group better than either of the PPV singles matches.  Big E and Henry aren’t on “Watch the Throne” level pop-culturally but they’re certainly the strongest supergroup ever.  While both wrestlers can be creatively attractive individually, Big E could be TAZ 2.0 and Henry’s “This is what I Do” persona, they might be awesome together.  Neither seems to be on a path for a tag team run but I wouldn’t be against seeing what these two could do in the tag team mix.  Oh well, in another life I guess (or wait six months, it’s wrestling for god’s sake, anything could happen).
9. HHH and Stephanie (3) – They’ve become difficult to rank.  I love them, even with limited screen time, and the whole WWE universe rotates around their actions.  The problem is that their performance has been the same week after week.  Maybe I should lower my expectations.  After all, they are actually running the show and let’s not forget how out of hand it used to get when Vince seemed to have his hands in every plot line.  They’re always integral in the WWE championship and are usually the stars of most of the back stage shenanigans.  They’re now spearheading the unification plans for the two championships (which should strengthen the US and IC belts in the long run).  As far as their importance, they rank near the top.  As far as their quality of work, they’ve been fabulous.  Where’s the problem?  It’s the same each week.  Don’t get me wrong, the week they weren’t there I missed them terribly.  They need to switch it up, maybe just go all out and be directly involved in every match or sit ringside all night or split up and each handle half the roster.  They’re too good to waste on the same bit each week.  Every once in a while they, as the show runners, need to throw a curveball.  Maybe they’ll flop here and there but HHH and Stephanie have proven to be more than capable.  If I was going to trust anyone and give someone the benefit of the doubt, it would be HHH and Stephanie.  Go on you crazy kids, try something new.
10. Dolph Ziggler (12) – I thought the burying of Ziggler had run its course last week when he and Sandow had to fight in a honky-tonk match (it’s up to you if you want to waste your time finding the real name of that match, I’ve got masturbating to do and fires to set).  You’ve got to give both wrestlers credit for turning chicken-shit into chicken-salad (I think that’s the phrase but I didn’t grow up on a farm and I’m not a fan of mayo so I’m not sure).  As you’ve probably gathered, I’m all about direction and good wrestlers doing well.  Once is a chance, twice is a coincidence and a third time is a charm…(I don’t know what’s up with me and these saying?).  Anyway, what was a one time mess looks to be a multi-week mess BUT it spawns a nice feud between two wrestlers that have been underutilized.  Having said that, and knowing they split the first two matches of this horrible trilogy, we’ve at least a mother week of these fan voted matches.  Then two more weeks until the TLC PPV which hopefully will conclude this feud, leaving both wrestlers in a better spot than they are now.  Hopefully. 
11. Damien Sandow (13) – In yet another stupid fan chosen match (at this point, I don’t believe there is a fan vote or if it matters because what’s the difference between a street fight, lumberjack or hard core match?  na’thing!) and yes, to answer the question given, Sandow is above this.  Neither he nor Ziggler deserve this treatment.  But someone has to throw themselves on the “we need to push more people to the app” grenade.  Let’s all be grateful it’s two wrestlers that can make these silly matches somewhat entertaining.  At the end of the day, I have the same hope and optimism for Sandow as I do for Ziggler, but since I have to put them in an order, Ziggler is better.
12. Rey Mysterio (N/A) – It’s been said, Rey isn’t 100% healthy and the eye test tells me to believe the rumors.  He’s not popping up during his entrances and in both the PPV and tonight on RAW he looked like he was squeezing every drop into the few spots he participated in.  It’s nice to have him back.  The kids have someone they can relate to and scream for.  I don’t know how much staying power he can have if he’s not flying around the ring and being able to put on a solo 10 minute match.
13. Kofi Kingston (14) – Dressed in blue merch from head to toe (it must mean he now gets a cut from sales), he looks like dreadlocks-smurf.  It’s a funny thing, I’d roll my eyes at yet another “angry black man” by the WWE but in this case I want Kofi to get a little more badass.  Angry Kofi kicks ass and his character would be better served with a little edge.  If this feud with Miz leaves Kofi with a chip on his shoulder and Miz as the heel that we mark fans liked, I’m happy.  Sure it was trust upon us in less time than it takes for Daniel Bryan to be stripped of a title win but it’s all a means to an end.  One of the hot topics at the nerd conclave, I mean our wrestling party, was that the WWE roster as a whole is thin.  However we can get bigger and better characters, I’m all for.
14. The Miz / Titus O’Neil / Michael Strahan (15/M.I.A./special guest) – One of the all-time Miz TV host of all-time…wait what?  Yeah, Miz got a little carried away with himself.  It’s not every day you get the black Regis on your fake WWE TV show.  The adrenaline must have been pumping.  The recent heel turn for Miz was as sudden as it was needed.  Say what you will about Miz, he was aimlessly floating around but at least now, as a heel, he’s got something to do and assumably somewhere to go.  Bringing out Titus O’Neil as Michael Strahan let Miz push his heel turn (and remind people of his résumé) and also proved that O’Neil wasn’t dead or fired (just last week I HM’d the Prime Time Players).  Now if only we could get Darren Young out of the WWE closet.  I wonder what’s harder to overcome, coming out of THE closet or get stuck in the WWE closet?  Or hardest yet would be to bail out of a bad bit?  Luckily, Miz was back out later in the night to take on Kofi.  It was a solid match.  I won’t bitch about it being another rematch from the PPV because it was part of the free pre-show.  
15. Alberto Del Rio (5) – This poor bastard has the worse timing.  It seems like every time ADR is about to take off, something or someone comes up and derails his push.  ADR won the World belt and was set to take on and uplift the second tier wrestlers.  All of the sudden, Cena comes back early and instantly takes the strap and ADR is closer to being buried than to ascending to greatness.  At least now we know why the championship changed so fast and why Cena had to win it.  As with many things in the WWE universe, there’s a bigger picture.  I don’t know where this leaves ADR?  I’m leaning toward liking the unification storyline, the problem is one less championship which means one less thing for the wrestlers to accomplish.  It means the writers have to come up with more engaging story lines that don’t only involve wrestlers chasing a title.  There just isn’t enough gold to go around. 
16. R-Truth and Xavier Woods (10) – In what has become the most unlikely and mind-blowing arc, we’re in week two of the Ron Killings mentorship program.  Xavier Woods took over Sweet T’s spot?  As silly as the Funkasaurus gimmick is to us older folks, you’ve got to feel bad for Brodus Clay because Clay was talked about but didn’t even come out to his own music and valets.  In the wrestling world, that’s like straight pissing on someone.  Maybe this will lead to Clay and Sweet-T taking on Woods and Truth to get their gimmick back?  Or maybe this is the WWE version of a reboot?  Whatever’s going on, it’s all a little odd.  Xavier Woods is the kind of character that personifies the WWE’s racial insensitivity that I’ve grown up on, which means he has already earn a little place in my heart.  Go on with your bad self Mr. Woods.
17. The Big Show (11) – Best in small doses.  That’s why the RAW match worked better than the PPV match.  I’ll abide by the same rule for his ranking.  Better in small doses.  The end, NEXT…
18. Curtis Axel and Ryback (17/16) – What can be said about these two that NOBODY is saying.  These two are the black holes of the WWE universe.  They suck in all the light and fun until it’s crushed into nothing but smashed particles.  Even that sounds too much like a good wrestling metaphor.  I don’t know and don’t care what either of these two are doing.  Wake me up when Goldberg comes back to fight Ryback.  Or they reanimate Mr. Perfect’s corpse to fight Axel.  Oh, note to self, send Zombie wrestler dad vs Human son idea to Walking Dead writers.  Better note to self, write new buddy cop movie: Zombie dad and Human son in buddy cop movie called “Cemetery Hills Cop” or “Stop or My Dead Dad Will Shoot” or “Bullet to the Head 2: Death is Only Temporary” or “Not Without My Slaughter.”  Note to self, work on title.
19. 3MB (19) – Sooooo can someone tell me how 3MB suddenly appeared on my TV?  I was watching R-Truth, Xavier Woods and the Funkadactyls.  Then suddenly 3MB was at ringside.  Ditching their great gimmick of a new persona each week based on the city they’re in was disappointing.  Could it be there’s nothing to do you do for Long Island?  Nah, they could have all three members dressed up like Fran Drescher.  See, for anyone under 30, there was a show called The Nanny (not to be confused with the Hulk Hogan film vehicle from the 90’s) which was inexplicably very popular.  It was during a time when you only had 125 channels of TV and before internet.  I know, the horror.  How did we live as people with only 125 TV channels and NO internet?  It was a simpler time.  Back then there was only one ESPN and the only interactivity was a channel called The Box.  Here’s a pic that sums up everything you need to know about 3MB.  Three random dudes, not looking that thrilled to be at work.  The one unfortunate soul that has to wrestle has the look every old male porn star has, “Well, I ain’t getting any younger and someone has to cash this check.  Let’s do this.  Is she clean?  Aww, who cares.  Let’s get this over with.  I get paid up front.”
    
20. Real Divas vs Total Divas ‘Series match (N/A) – remember when I said the WWE was stealing from buyers of their PPVs when they put on the same match the next night free on RAW?  Well, I would say they did it again but who watched the Divas match at Survivor Series anyway?  In all seriousness, I’ll take off my sexist cap and give the broads the same respect.  To put on the exact same match, EXACT SAME, is stealing from the PPV audience.  Although, it was funny last night that between half a dozen hardcore wrestling fans no one could name all the women on Team AJ.  Very reminiscent of the 2007 Cleveland Cavaliers.  Is this match still going on?  I close my eyes and I feel like I can still see this match burned into my corneas.  Special shout out to Naomi (or whatever her real name is on Total Divas) she’s shown a glimpse of in-ring talent.  It wouldn't be fair if I didn’t point that out.  

Honorable Mentions

SAN-TIN-OOOOOO – How dare the Long Island crowd chant bullshit during a Santino bit.  Sure it made no sense, but you do not boo the Great Santino!

The Kosher Butcher – All I’ve got to say is that guy must have donated a shit-ton of money to get that spot and was allowed to do whatever he wanted in the third hour of RAW.  There’s a roster of employees who would kill each other to get that much face time on RAW.  Congrats and thank you for your generous donation to hurricane Sandy relief.

Mick Foley – The hardcore salesman.  I will always love and respect Cactus Jack / Mankind / Dude Love but he wasn’t the best pitchman during this run of salesman one-upmanship.  To be honest, Foley is much more interesting when you hear him interviewed out of character and he gets to be just Mick Foley.

The birth of Christ – I don’t particularly give weight to the whole “war on christmas” thing but if there was any evidence that someone wanted to give me that this “war” existed, I’d advise using Christmas Bounty as exhibit A.  Easter can’t get here fast enough so that Jesus can die (only to come back and die again; that’s quite a religion you’ve got there) so as to not be subjugated to the mockery wwe’ve made of his birth.

500 lbs – Is it me or did Big Show loose weight?  Not in an actual physical way but it seemed that all night everyone made sure they said Big Show weighed 450 pounds.  I thought the idea was that he was 7 feet tall and 500 pounds, which made him a giant.  Now he’s only 450 lbs?  Does the WWE have a new campaign for fitness?  Is Big Show insulted by being called 500 lbs and wanted to be called 450 (as if it makes a difference)?  Was being called 500 lbs causing him to have problems enrolling in Obamacare?  I want to know what the reason for the weight change?

Side Note(s)

As mentioned earlier, there was a lively debate over 90’s rap albums.  We’re trying to put a podcast together to best break this down, but in the meantime I’ll be putting up a link to a post later this week because we NEED YOUR HELP.  The debate got intense and heated.  Top 10 lists were being thrown around like Wu-Tang ninja stars.  To help us settle this debate, and feel free to add to it, I’ll be posting three separate lists, the authors of each list will be redacted so we can get a non biased answer to who had the best Top-10 (w/ 5 honorable mentions) 90’s rap albums.  It will go up later this week and hopefully you can help declare a winner.  More to come…

Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving weekend.  It’s my favorite holiday of the year.  I cook, I eat, I watch lot of TV and get 4 days to relax.  In a former life it was one of the best sports gambling weekends of the year, but that’s for another blog and another day.  In all seriousness, we live in the best country in the world and even though times are tough and the world seems like a huge broken down mess (you can’t turn on the news without a Xanax prescription but if you don’t have one they’ll have an ad for Cymbalta you can ask your doctor about), things could always be worse.  There isn’t a person in Syria, Congo, Bolivia or any other war torn or impoverish country that wouldn't change places with the poorest person in the United States and for the freedoms we have.  

Until next week…