WWE Power Rankings, RAW 12-02-2013 - NBA Edition!

Coming at you from Oklahoma City, and my god, could I use some wrestling action.  Between the holidays and family, it feels like monday night would never get here.  I’m so full on leftovers, pizza (because I was so sick of leftovers, I stuffed myself for three days with something non-Thanksgiving related), spending hours with family, listening to how Obamacare and Iran are going to be the end of the world from the conservative side of my family, getting high and drunk with the liberal side of my family, trying to explain what a “wrestling Power Ranking” is, realizing that after just two (or maybe six or seven) drinks that I’m old because I slipped off the bottom step and damn near killed myself at my parent’s house, being annoyed because the bill collector’s autodialers don’t care that it’s a holiday weekend so they keep calling at 8 AM on Friday and Saturday morning AND watching so much football (college and pro) that I feel I could be a Head Coach.  Speaking of football, remember how I mentioned that I may have had a bit of a gambling “issue”?  Well, this weekend I’m glad I don’t gamble because with all the back-door covers, thrilling upsets (Iron Bowl anyone?) and unexpected results; your boy The Bear would have been in the hospital next to John Fox and Gary Kubiak with an exploded heart and blood trickling out of my ears from a hemorrhaging brain aneurism.  We’re not even going to talk about the basketball that snuck onto the TV every so often.  I’m all sports out.  What I need is some nice calm wrestling story telling.  An entertainment medium were 10% of their performers had been dying on an annual basis until recently, when they realized that unchecked steroid / drug use and chair-shots to the head might not be the best work environment.  Oh, did I mention it’s getting cold!  Sure, I live in Los Angeles but it got into the high 50’s twice this weekend.  Twice!  With the wind factor, god, I don’t even want to think about it.  All this said, I’ve cozied myself up and I’m ready for some hot man-on-man wrestling action to warm me up!  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 12/02/2013…

From time to time I like to switch things up a little.  Hell, there’s 52 of these a year and let’s face it, they’re not all winners.  This was an average episode of RAW, nothing great but nothing horrible.  For the sake of having fun, let’s make this the 2013 early-season NBA themed Power Rankings.  What does that mean?  Well, I guess you’ll just have to read to find out… 

1. The Shield (1) – The Spurs.  Even though The Shield are just over a year old, they’re the best team.  Their consistency, they know their roles and always give a great performance is exactly why they’re the Spurs of the WWE.  They’re simply dominant and all the haters have run out of excuses.  Enjoy them while they last.  They even cut good promos from a broom closet.  If next week, they were put in a toilet stall to cut a promo; I’d put the betting line at -125 that they still do a great job.  The Hounds of Justice, and Punk for that matter, are being oddly wasted in this handicap match at TLC?  Believe in The Shield, isn’t just a tag line, it is fact.  Their actual match was against Goldust / Cody / Big Show was a highlight of the night.  If anything proves their greatness, it’s that Ambrose and Rollins made Big Show look good. 
2. Goldust and Cody Rhodes (3) – The Pacers.  A home grown team, not bought and put together as a supergroup (as with the Heat and Shield) and after a few years of down time, trying to figure things out and form an identity, they have put it all together and are both having a great year.  Unfortunately The Rhodes boys were saddled with The Big Show.  If the WWE is so intent of having handicap matches, why couldn’t we have just had a Goldust / Cody vs Shield match?  That would have been a fine match.  Who’s having a better time than these two?
   
3. CM Punk (5) – Kobe Bryant.  Punk can carry a show and be the beginning, middle and end.  He can also be the most arrogant performer and turn it on when he wants to.  He can also come into the ring, looking like he just rolled out of bed and steal the show.  He’s the villain you love.  If you’re a fan, he can do no wrong but if you aren’t a fan you wonder what is wrong with all the people who love him so unconditionally.  The show opener, a little off his game tonight but probably because his storyline doesn’t make any sense right now.  Did I miss something or is everyone else just as confused on this Punk vs Shield feud?  I’m down for an Ambrose vs Punk TLC match.  Hell, I’m down for any of the Shield vs Punk in a TLC match but what’s the point of the 3-on-1 PPV TLC match?  He’s not winning that alone.  This has to be going somewhere, right?  The stress of this impending match must be the reason for his horrible haircut.  I know he’s a rebel, but do you have to be a rebel against a nice haircut?  Keep in high and tight or let it grow out.  Don’t look like a chick on suicide risk who cut her own hair.    
4. Randy Orton (2) – Kevin Durant.  It’s fitting they’re in OKC because RKO is the Kevin Durant of the WWE.  The only difference is that Durant is a baby face and RKO is a classic heel.  Other than that, he’s second to Cena like Durant is second to LeBron James.  Hardcore hoop fans will side with Durant just as mark wrestling fans want RKO to beat Cena.  Cena and James are just too powerful.  On RAW, for RKO to say he’s, “More famous and well known than the WWE and Cena?”  Why don’t you just hand over the WWE belt now and not waste time at the PPV.
5. John Cena (4) – LeBron James.  Is there any doubt that Cena is the LeBron James of the WWE?  Each are polarizing.  The crowd boos and cheers but they’re the faces of the NBA / WWE.  Skill-wise, LeBron the best player since MJ (sorry Kobe, I love ya but if I’m playing pick-up ball, I’m playing with LeBron because I want to shoot too).  You gotta admit, his shout outs to the history of both championships were nice.  No matter what any “smart” wrestling fans has to say or how much we’d like Cena to turn heel, HE IS THE FACE OF THE WWE.  He’ll win 90% of the time and he’s too important as a face and THE face to turn heel.  So deal with it.  The same as Lebron is the best player in the NBA.  Facts are facts.  While we’re talking facts, I had to laugh at Cena’s declaration that he’s never been given anything and “worked” for his World Championship belt.  Let’s see how ADR feels about how hard you worked your way up the ranks to get a title shot at his World Championship just minutes after returning from injury.  I’m sure we’ll get a little different opinion from ADR.
6. The Wyatt Family (6) – The Clippers.  You’re going to tell me that CP3 isn’t a maniacal leader like Bray Wyatt and Griffin / Jordan aren’t his giant flunkies that he has to control to make everything work?  Watch a few Lob City games and get back to me.  WWE is really dropping the ball with these Wyatt abductions, Kane / Bryan.  What could be a good storytelling tool ends up being nothing.  Like I said last week, they’re the Lost of the WWE.  Story lines that go nowhere.  Another good promo by Bray but is it going to lead up to something or just peter out?  I can already hear you guys saying, “Bray is just crazy”…cray like a fox!  If you don’t understand this lunatic, that’s your bad.  If you’ve done as much drugs as I have in the past, he make perfect sense.
7. Daniel Bryan (7) – Kyrie Irving.  They’ve both young, driven, extremely talented and seemingly beloved by their piers and the crowd.  They’re also both stuck in bad situations.  Ain’t no one winning a championship in Cleveland and Bryan is stuck in the oddest plot line.  Bryan is back from being left in an abandoned parking lot.  All I could think about is Bryan as Mark Wahlberg trying to jerk off in a parking lot in front of the Wyatts and then being beaten and left like in the end of Boogie Nights.  JBL was either laying the rumored tracks of Bryan become a Wyatt, which I’m totally against, or just playing with the internet rumor mill.  Just because you have a beard, does not a Wyatt make.  Bryan in a handicap 3-on-1 match vs The Wyatt Family at TLC?  It makes even less sense than the Punk / Shield match.  Again, they’re oddly similar which tells me something is up with both stories.
8. HHH and Stephanie (9) – David Stern and Adam Silver, do I really need to explain myself.  The most smug and arrogant of all the sports franchises, BUT also the best.  It’s going to be a sad day when Stern retires later this year but he’s done it all.  He turned the NBA from a drug addled league that couldn’t get live TV coverage for the Finals which white families were scared of into the most recognizable and fastest growing sport in the world.  HHH and Stephanie weren’t left with a mess when they started to take over creative control but like everything in the 2000’s, it was just boring derivative crap.  Safe, uninspired, didn’t want to offend anyone and didn’t want to take risks to push the envelope which makes everything generic and boring.  Didn’t even want to embrace the past because there were a few moments you’d like not to admit to (i.e. Chris Benoit) but by doing so the WWE wasn’t capitalizing on the 50 years of nostalgia and great moments that make wrestling the greatest show on earth.  HHH and Stephanie started to embrace the past icon (Bruno Sammartino), mend / strengthen alliances (Rock, Stone Cold, Hogan, Flair, etc.), let young talent show off their abilities and characters (Punk, Bryan, Wyatts, etc.) and brought back the importance of Championship belts which were being passed around like hot-potatoes and the tag team division.  This week, the dynamic duo who run the show involved themselves in something other than just the WWE championship.  They dabbled in the Punk storyline, which assures me there’s something more going on there (I hope).  By the end of the night they were back to setting up the main event and title unification at TLC.  Again, to rank them is hard.  Not because they don’t do anything but we only see a glimpse of what they do.  What we do see is always great but nothing stands out.  Although, HHH listing all the former great title holders and then to have Stephanie make sure everyone knew that HHH was also among the holders of each belt was cute. 
9. Damien Sandow (11) – Klay Thompson.  Not the best Splash Bros. but the one who is getting the push for some reason.  I’m a fan of Sandow and of Klay Thompson, they’re both great, but if you’re going to put them side-by-side with Ziggler and Curry, I can’t ride with you.  The last two weeks on RAW, we were supposed accept that Sandow and Ziggler were in some sort of competition of stupid matches for god knows what reason.  This week, magically we’re told it was to be the #1 contender for the IC strap and will face Big E for the title.  Which doesn’t make sense because Big E only won the IC belt after Sandow and Ziggler started this stupid competition.  Nice job, WWE creative team (he say’s sarcastically).  We’re to forget about the gimmick match nonsense that Sandow and Ziggler were forced to in-dour?  Regardless, Sandow won and will face Big E for the IC belt.  A month ago this would have been a downgrade from MitB ticket for the World belt to having to face Axel for the IC belt.  But now Big E is a solid IC champ and the prestige of the IC belt has been raised, “The times are a changing.”  
10. Dolph Ziggler (10) – Stephen Curry.  Just as when you read on twitter, “Steph is heating up!” you’ll run to a TV to find the GSW game, is the same as when I hear Ziggler is going up against anyone.  No matter how stupid the gimmick for the match is or how lame the opponent is, Ziggler is going to give you a solid match at the very least.  As usual, Ziggler and Sandow put on a good match but Ziggler got the short end of the stick.  This was a surprise because it would have been interesting to see former running mates in Ziggler / Big E fight for the IC strap.  Even Big E expressed as much with his ringside commentary.  My gut tells me we haven’t seen the end of this Big E / Sandow / Ziggler storyline.  Wait, did I actually see an entire Smackdown commercial promoting Ziggler?  He might be down but this is a good sign.  I hope, right?  Please?
11. Big E Langston (8) – Kenneth Faried.  Young, enthusiastic, has a motor that doesn’t stop (which makes up for some inexperience), charismatic, a crowd favorite and could be a solid role player for the next five years; am I talking about the Man-imal or Big E?  If you would have told me a few months ago, when Curtis Axel was the IC champ, that the IC belt would be the most hotly contested championship and the belt that I was most interested in and had a then “sidekick” Big E Langston as champion, my mind would have been blown.  Big E has been good on mic and in-ring.  If they really are going to unify the WWE and World belts, the IC and Heavyweight belts stature should increase.  At first it might seem as a demotion to the second tier guys who were chasing the World belt, now they’re firmly and realistically in the mix for the Heavyweight and IC belts. 
12. Mark “Mayback Music” Henry (8) – “Boogie” Cousins.  For a few years Boogie was trapped in Sacramento / Maloof hell but now that he’s gotten a chance to mature and find his way Boogie is turning into the All Star leader everyone thought he could become.  Same with Mark Henry.  When he was impregnating Mae Young and getting buried by bad gimmicks you thought he was a waste of talent.  This past year, Henry has started to come into his own.  He had one of the greatest fake retirements I’ve ever seen.  He’s come back and he’s been dominant.  The WWE uses him perfectly with short matches and tells him to go out, be scary and destroy people.  Both Boogie and Henry have found their footholds in their respective sports.  
13. Wade Barrett (N/A) – Andrew Bynum.  As a Laker fan, I’ve seen the best and worst of Bynum.  If healthy and motivated, he can be the best center in the NBA.  Ask the 76-er’s fans and he’s a lazy thief who had more bad haircuts than games played.  Is he a villain or does he have the potential to be awesome?  Barrett can be both, which in wrestling is good.  Back from visa / passport hell.  If his absence doesn’t scream immigration reform, I don’t know what does?!?!  He’s been dogged by injury (over a year ago his arm snapped like a twig on RAW, yeah this is all fake, right?) and stuck in customs like Tom Hanks in The Terminal, so you forget that before the likes of Bryan, Punk, Ziggler, Sandow, ADR, etc. that Barrett was on tract to becoming a major contender.  It’s nice to have him back.  William Regal 2.0, which means a presumably sober, younger, more athletic version of Regal, Barrett has a strong future.   I don’t know about this #BadNewsBarrett gimmick but let’s pop the cork and let it breath.
14. Kofi Kingston and The Miz (13/14) – The Knicks, specifically Carmello and Amare.  If defunction is what you’re going for, here you go.  Both players are talented, one is near the peak of his powers and the other used to be and is consistently trying to come back.  They just can’t work together.  We’ve seen it enough to know it just isn’t going to work.  The WWE has to commit to this feud.  Just as fast as Miz turned on Kofi, they seemingly got back together just to turn on each other again.  It’s not going to work.  Turn Miz heel and let him and Kofi put on a few solid matches that gets resolved at TLC (which a TLC match between Kofi and Miz should be good).
15. Alberto Del Rio (15) – Zach “Z-Bo” Randolph.  It took Z-Bo a few years, bouncing from team to team, for him to finally figure out his role.  We’re at about the same point in Z-bo’s career as when he was on the Clippers for the second time.  We’re just one or two tweaks to ADR’s character and he’ll be a superstar.  The WWE doesn’t know what to do with ADR but they’re trying.  He had the title and was on the verge of some great feuds with the second tier guys.  That was until Cena came back and they decided to unify the title.  They realize he’s a top tier talent because he’s getting pushes.  In the oddest promo, he talks about sending Sin Cara back to Mexico and being a boarder hopper.  (I hate to see brown on brown crime.)  Unless ADR is trading in Ricardo Rodriguez for Zeb Colter to make the most unholiest of unions, which if I step back could (I carefully say “could”) be interesting.  Then he goes and losses to Sin Cara, maybe like the legend of the phoenix, he needs to fall to be able to rise from the ashes?
16. R-Truth and Xavier Woods (16) – Ricky Rubio and Kevin Love.  They have no history and nothing points to them being able to stay healthy together but when they are together they can be fun to watch.  As predicted, you can’t steal another man’s gimmick, no matter how lame it is, or how desperately lame yours is that you need the Funkasaurus gimmick as an upgrade.  Woods has talent and got the win.  The countdown for when someone from the WWE refers to Woods and R-Truth as “schuckin’ and jivin’” has begun.  The sweet smell of racism, you can almost taste it.
17. The Big Show (17) – Dwight Howard.  On paper he looks good but when you watch him, he’s boring, he’s not as athletic as he used to be and it’s clear he’ll never be the superstar he should be.  Big Show somehow snuck his way into being the 6th wheel in on a Rhodes vs Shield match.  Talk about lucky bookings.  Let me get this straight.  Other than the choke slam, Big Show’s two main moves are a punch and a chest slap.  Thrilling.  Dwight Howard can pull down all the rebounds he wants but if he can’t create his own points, has no post moves, plays horrible help defense and can’t hit free throws; you’re never winning the championship with as one of your top three players.
18. Tons of Fun aka Brodus Clay and Sweet T (N/A) – The Raptors, specifically DeMar DeRozan and Rudy Gay.  I didn’t set out to put the two dinosaur teams together but the world works in mysterious ways.  Did you know, today, with a loosing record of 6-10 the Raptors are in first place in the Atlantic Division?  Clay and T are one of the most gimmicky tag teams but have the skills to beat just about anyone.  DeRozan and Gay shouldn’t be working well together but they’ve dragged their team into first place.  I don’t care how they’ve done it, the fact is that they’ve done it.  Clay and T have the big bodies that the WWE usually uses in their top tiers.  Unfortunately they’re tied to a well merchandised gimmick.  In a battle for the Funkadactyls and theme music, for the slightest of moments, I thought we were getting the badass Brodus Clay that was teased when he was first brought up to the WWE.  It’s hard to take someone like Clay as a serious monster when dressed like a clown.  Clay’s size and skill is something that the WWE could easily push as a championship contender, any championship.  I understand the business end and I’m sure he sells a lot of merch to the kids but a T-rex is a scary monster that kids love too.  There’s got to be a way of pushing Clay while keeping his sales up.  If that means a feud with Tensi / Sweet T, I’m all for it.   Maybe I’m being too hypocritical, I now know what I want for Xmas this year, this Funkasaurus coat / warm up.
    
    
    
    
    
19. Sin Cara (N/A) – John Wall / Derrick Rose perpetually injured superstar.  He was another wrestler with a ton of hype but has yet to gain a foothold in the WWE universe.  He’s got all the talent but can’t stay healthy. The few times I’ve seen Sin Cara, I’ve thought he’s been outstanding int he ring but every time you turn around he’s hurt.  I need a larger sample size.  I’m a little shocked he got the win but you have to start somewhere.
20. WWE live audience – Wrestling is so great and one of the best reasons is the interaction between performer and fan.  Let’s just say, this is the fan of the week!
    

Honorable Mentions

Prime Time Players – At least both of them have now been seen.  Unfortunately it was on Smackdown and I missed what looked to be a great bit.  Can we put an end to the Cesaro spin now that Titus O’Neil threw up all over Zeb and JBL / Cole?  

The WWE / World Champion – Do we really want the WWE fans to decided what to call the unified champion?  Worse, do we want only the 10 people who can work the WWE app to name the championship?  If the public were left up to the public to name the championship for all things we wouldn’t have the Stanley Cup or the Lombardi Trophy.  Don’t leave something as important up to the internet voting public.  That’s how we get things like “The Unified Champion” which is awful.  Unified champion of what?  The audience are idiots.  Have some balls WWE and rename the championship something respectable.   

Korporate Kane – Director of Operations.  Finally given something to do.  Who knew, that after 20 years of saying nothing, or being the straight-man on a tag team duo (i.e. the great Kane / Goldust / Booker T collaborations or team Hell NO), Kane actually had something to say.  In doing a little research, I came across this little ditty.  Who knew Kane was just some libertarian dude who reads the paper in the morning and checks his stock portfolio.  I know I these guys are actors for the most part and surly Kane isn’t the fire born hell spawn, but when you realized we all put our spandex costume on one leg at a time instead of being unearthed from a fiery pit, it make my soul a little colder.  Although I’ve always thought a CNBC show staring wrestlers like Kane and JBL, in full in-ring attire, should host a stock and investment show.

Total Divas vs AJ and the mudskippers – For all the things I hate about the Total Divas show, the oddest thing is that I assume the WWE has complete control of the show but the show doesn’t put Cena in the best light?  Nothing he does is horrible but it shows Cena as a real man who’s been through a bad divorce and isn’t perfect in how he deals with his personal life.  It’s actually the most real thing on the show.  I would have expected the WWE to make sure “The Face of the WWE” was always shown in the best light possible.  This vapid show’s ultimate goal is to promote the WWE (it’s not like if Total Divas takes off, RAW and Smackdown will cancel and the WWE will become the next Bravo and focus its effort on the real housewives of wrestling).  Oh, should I have been paying attention to this match?  Sorry, I think someone won.  AJ kept skipping.  The next thing I know, I’m fast forwarding through the Miz’s TV movie commercial.  

Jim Ross – Usually an Oklahoma staple but not mentioned at all.  The announce crew went above and beyond to mention all other Oklahoma announcers but never mentioned Jim Ross.  Whatever the real life feud between Ross and the WWE was over, it must have pissed the WWE higher-ups off pretty badly.

Los Matadores w/ El Torito – They can’t even sell merchandise.  I plea you to not use their code or show them any support.  At one point I thought they were going to sell El Torito, which I would have bought him so that I could cook him in the ground like a Hawaiian pig.  Except I’d leave him dead and buried.  Did I mention, I hate this group?

Side Note(s) –

WWE “Slammy Awards” next week, aka don’t win two or they might drop you from the ceiling of a PPV (Hart family curse).  If my calculations are correct, this is not only a “go home show” before the TLC PPV but they’re also going to squeeze in the Slammy Awards?  This is either going to be great or a mess.  I’ll try to have a backup gimmick myself just in case.

I’m totally baffled by the Wyatt / Bryan and Shield / Punk 3-on-1 matches?  Neither of them make sense, seem like good matches and are redundant.  I think we’d all like to see Bryan VS Punk or Bryan & Punk, conversely we want to see Wyatts vs Shield.  So why are we getting these odd matches?  It's too much of a coincidence to not be linked in some way?  I just needed to vent.  Somehow I couldn’t find the space to vent this in the previous 4,500 words.

Until next week…