Coming at you from Dallas, off the heels of a spectacularly unspectacular TLC PPV. Last night’s PPV had the promise of a Bryan Singer X-Men movie but the creative imagination of Brett Ratner X-Men movie. There were no twists or turns and unlike previous PPVs, which I’ve complained about the lack of conclusive finishes, every TLC match had very definitive finishes. The problem was, they were all disappointing or expected. With multiple 3-on-1 matches, a unification match and the appearance of Vince McMahon himself; I was sure that there was going to be multiple interferences or involvement by outside factors but in the end nothing happened. The only two “surprises” were that Ziggler was buried even further by loosing to Fandango and RKO won the main event with a fairly clean finish to claim the unified championship. While the main event scored a 2 out of 5, RKO should get a special thanks for sparing us from a Super Cena moment that we would have had to watch a highlight of from now until the end of time had Cena won. Cena, handcuffed to the ropes, somehow broke down the ring with his Super Cena strength and then carried the ring-ropes on his back and almost one handedly brought down the belts to win. Luckily this farce was ended by a tug-o-war between RKO and Cena which resulted in a pretty nasty bump taken by Cena’s head on the end of a table. Even after the match, the whole McMahon / HHH crew came out only to congratulate RKO on his victory. No shenanigans. No surprises. Only shattered dreams of what TLC matches used to look like. Hopefully with the reappearance of Mr. McMahon, we’ll get some fun twists and a clearer picture to what the Royal Rumble or possibly WM30 will look like. So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 12/16/2013…
- Randy Orton (7) – Our new unified champion entered the ring like a spoiled brat who whined enough to finally got what he wanted. For those of you who dislike the RKO outcome, let me point out that he won the belts cleanly without interference. I didn’t vote for George Bush but he won and he was my president (something the current GOP doesn’t adhere too when it comes to Obama but that’s for a different discussion). RKO is our Champion! Flanked by both his main competitors, Cena and Bryan, RKO gloriously came to the ring to bask in the glory of being the champ. I’ve read some call him boring or stiff when on the mic but I couldn’t agree less. RKO is a great heel, he’s also a great main even wrestler which is an underrated skill, but RANDY ORTON isn’t Ric Flair or CM Punk or Stone Cold. Those are special actors who’ll go down in history. RKO is a great heel, in his own way. He’s not the fun or flashy or anti-establishment heel. He’s playing the spoiled brat prick which is the hardest heel to pull off. Unfortunately he also has to do a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to the boring parts of the story. As you can see from the main event on RAW, when he’s given a strong wrestling opponent like Bryan, he brings his “A” game. BTW, what’s the deal with the different color plastic rings RKO was wearing throughout the night? I can’t be the only one who noticed, can I? All I know is THIS IS YOUR CHAMP, LICK IT NERDS…
- Daniel Bryan (1) – With help from Cena, Bryan got another match against RKO. The two put on another solid match. I can’t tell if I should be mad that I wasted interest in Bryan’s feud with the Wyatts or happy that it seems to have ended and Bryan is back at main event status? Who knows. It’s still too soon after the PPV and far from the Rumble to really get a good bead on which direction Bryan is going. On another note, I admit that I fall prey to perception just like everyone else. I don’t know if it’s the fact Bryan is always smiling and breaking character or the silly beard gimmick or the contagious YES YES YES chant, but I’m always forgetting how well Bryan can wrestle. He proved it once again in a solid main event.
- John Cena (2) – Love him or hate him (I’ll stand in the second line) he does have charisma on the mic. Which is odd because on Total Divas he’s either an empty soulless shell of a person outside of the WWE world or hates being on that stupid reality show (again, I’ll be counted in the second line). While I appreciate Cena’s help to get Bryan the main event match, why is Cena being pushed down out throats? Bryan can clearly take on RKO and win. I guess that’s a dumb question. Cena’s being pushed down our throats because it’s Cena. The WWE feels they need to always have him involved in the main event. Example #874,291 that Cena is truly “The Face of the WWE.”
- The Shield (3) – The seeds of dissension have been planted and we now have a good idea of what the break-up will look like. Before they break up, The Shield still has some unfinished business to get to. All signs of a break-up were put to the back burner for the night. It’s unclear is how we’re going to get this fabled Shield vs Wyatt feud for WM30? Stranger and harder matches have been thrown together between past Rumbles and WMs. We’ll just have to see. But the inevitable break-up will not be happening tonight. The Shield came back together and got the win in a great match against Punk and The Usos.
- CM Punk (4) – Punk being directionless, in an odd 3-on-1 fight with The Shield and winning a 3-on-1 against The Shield is all preposterous. If the WWE is going to make that up with a match between HBK and Punk, I’ll let it all slide! How awesome would one more match for HBK be with Punk at WM30. I’ve read rumors about a possible Punk / HHH feud, which seemed like reality last night but then it was HBK that came to ring. Maybe it was because RAW was in Dallas and what better way to tease the fans than by having HBK drive from his home to show up on RAW. I like to think positively and hope that we get and Punk / HBK or Punk / HHH or even a Punk / HHH / HBK match at WM30. Let’s not forget, Punk and The Usos put on a great match against The Shield. Just to get something clear, Punk by himself can beat The Shield but when you add a top 3 tag team to help him, The Shield wins? I’ll be working that one out in my head all week.
- The Usos (8) – For still not having said a word on TV (as far as I can remember) I can’t believe how happy I was that the Usos were Punk’s partner vs The Shield. I couldn’t believe that the WWE universe made such a good “choice” (see, don’t we all wish we knew how to type out sarcasm, if only we could figure this out…). I don’t see why this couldn’t have been the match on the PPV? It was a great match.
- Goldust and Cody Rhodes (5) – True fighting champions. They never get to cut any promos so all they’re left to do is fight, which I’m fine with since they’ve been so spectacular in the ring. You couldn’t ask for two completely opposite opponents in Show and Rey. To be able to put on a good match goes with such diverse opponents shows you how great of a tag team The Rhodes boys are. Although they lost is a clean / fair tag match and didn’t loose the belts. While I’m glad the Rhodes kept the belts, this is a big issue for me, see the Side Notes for more. Other than that, they’re the Tag Champs and I expect more good matches. You know, before they inevitably turn on each other and put on the greatest blood vs blood match at WM30. I’m just saying.
- Big Show / Rey Mysterio (N/A) – Both good in small doses and what better way to show that than as a tag duo against Goldust and Cody. Good match. This odd couple works well together. They may not have a catchy name or gimmick but I can see them doing damage in the tag division. Tell me who you’d rather see; Show and Rey or Los Matadores / 3MB / Real Americans? Nuff said. Also, they should be champs right now, see my complaint in Side Notes.
- HHH / Stephanie (6) – I was very surprised that Vince didn’t make an appearance. This has either been Vince’s greatest tease or laziest run. When was the last time Vincent K McMahon made an actual appearance and did nothing and it meant nothing!? It’s all very suspect. At the same time, what am I to believe? The internet rumors or my own lying eyes? To the layman, it seems like the McMahons / HHH are dropping the ball but I feel there is something smoldering under the surface that we haven’t seen yet. HHH and Stephanie opened the show, had the entire roster out and (with a little encouraging from Cena) gave us a nice main event. I’m sorry, it’s all too clean and nice. There’s something going on! I can feel it. Damn you wrestling!
- Big E Langston and Mark Henry (12/HM) – Big E was triumphant at TLC in defending the IC title against Sandow. I don’t understand why he’s re-teaming with Mayback Music Henry but I was intrigued by the idea a few weeks ago when they teamed up. During the match, the announcers correctly referred to the abundance of great tag teams right now, and as much as I’d like to see where this literal super-heavyweight team goes. The fact is Big E is the IC champ. As such, I’d like to see the IC belt defended. I don’t know, maybe against his former mentor Ziggler?! The Heavyweight strap is on Ambrose and until The Shield breaks up, I don’t think he’s loosing it (I think that will be one of the reasons that contribute to the breakup, i.e. Rollins / Reigns costs Ambrose the belt somehow) the IC belt is the only other championship floating around at the moment. When Big E drops that belt, that’s when you put him with Henry for the World’s Strongest Tag Team.
- Dolph Ziggler (HM) – The only positive to having repeat matches from the prior night’s PPV (another top 5 thing I’d change) is that when a match doesn’t go the way you want, there’s a chance for a do-over. Ziggler got a chance to avenge his loss against Fandango. With a much shorter match, but much better outcome, Ziggler finally won a match. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that this is the next step towards bigger and better things, and not another gimmick rematch feud like he had with Sandow.
- Brodus Clay and Sweet-T (15) – Is there anything that really needs to be said with these two? Brodus Clay is taking steps toward being a tough heel, which is what he should have been from the start, and Sweet-T will be his first victim. Few people past the age of nine will shed a tear for the end of Tons of Funk. The Funkadactyls will be free to roam the land and do whatever it is Funkadactyls do. Maybe they go back to their pack of Toronto Raptor cheerleaders. (That was a lazy joke but it’s late and if you really care about the future of the Funkadactyls you should be reevaluating your sports entertainment fandom.)
- The Wyatt Family (9) – I don’t know what the big deal is, we’ve all gotten stoned and talked to invisible relatives in old rocking chairs. All I want to know is what they’re taking so I can get high off the same stuff. Those Wyatts are some big dudes and if they’re all THAT stoned, I want me some of that. I hope Bray’s lack of in-ring performing has been due to injury because he’s been great when he’s gotten the chance to wrestle. Rowan and Harper are fine big men but Bray is really solid. He was the standout of their TLC match against Bryan, which is something to be said. Yet again, all they did was put on a simple promo on RAW. That’s just not good enough after all these months. I need to see some in-ring action to really rank you near the top. They might be in limbo if the WWE has switched gears and put Bryan back into the main event scene. Much like Bryan, we’ll have to see what happens. Let’s not forget, we also want to see Wyatt vs Shield at WM30 and they’re a good deal away from that match up.
- R-Truth and Xavier Woods (HM) – Do I really hate dancing or do I just wanna dance, dance, dance like no one’s watching? Look, Mr. Woods, I know you’re new to this game but you can’t steal a man’s Funkadactyls and music and not expect repercussions. We were oh so close to tonight being the night of Woods and Truth, shuckin’ and jivin’. I also thought that putting Woods in regular clothes would make him look less BaBaBooey-ish and less depressed-70’s-pornstar-ish but alas, nothing can make Woods look any better. Woods looks even worse in normal clothes. Now let’s get to R-Truth. If you’re going to wear a nice suit and tie and clean up, take off that damn do-rag. We’re days away from it being 2014. Take that stupid thing off when dressed like an adult. When you have your wrestling spanks on, you can wear whatever you want. I hate to sound like David Stern of the early 2000’s but let’s class it up a little.
- Fandango w/ Summer Rae (19) – after an unwanted win against Ziggler (unwanted by me, I’m sure Fandango was happy about the win at a PPV), Ziggler and Fandango ran back their match from the night before. Fortune favors the bold and tonight Ziggler was the bold. Mr. Fandango, can feel free to enjoy the warm embrace of Summer Rae as he recovers from the loss suffered by the might of Ziggler!
- Real Americans w/ Zeb (20) – Cannon fodder for what looks to be one of the most devastating teams in the WWE right now. You’d almost feel sorry for The Americans for the beating they took if they weren’t such losers. The only team I’d have rather seen get destroyed but the new powerhouse team of Big E / Henry is Los Matadores. I’m a little surprised that being in Texas, the WWE didn’t have something about The Real Americans protecting the USA from Los Matadores. How did you not jump all over that racial train wreck? You’re slippin’ WWE. I expect less from you… Special shout-out to Cesaro for picking up Big E and giving his version of a German Suplex. As always, I’ll give credit where credit is due no matter what I feel about the character. That was much more impressive than the spin move Cesaro’s been exhibiting of late. Oh, and then there was the Swagger Roar...
- Ryback and Curtis Axel (20) – As predicted, both wrestlers’ stock has fallen since venturing out from under Heyman’s protective wing and feuding with Punk. As your financial advisor, if you haven’t already sold your Ryb-Axel shares do it now. Otherwise, hold for the long term and hope for a rebranding that will send either of their stock back up. Luckily there was a Divas match and I need to give Barrett a kick in the ass, otherwise these two would have been at the bottom again. Be carefully Ryb-Axel, if the Divas continue to step it up and Barrett actually gets into the ring, they’ll leap over you quite easily.
- #BadNewsBarrett (N/A) – This is a nice little gimmick and all, but let’s get Barrett into the ring and get him fighting. He’s certainly on the level of ADR, Ziggler, Sandow, Big E and the other second tier wrestlers. The best way to win over the crowd is to cut good promos and have good matches. This odd hashtag / roasting is not going anywhere. He’s a heel. Got it. Get in the ring and fight. The insanely low rank for this fine wrestler is mainly to give him a kick in the ass. He's much better than these other bottom dwellers, just go out and prove it and I’ll bump you up, Mr. Barrett.
- The Divas Match (HM) – Now that the season is over for the Total Divas show, I thought we were done pushing these broads. What does AJ have to do to finally get the push she’s deserved? We’ve got a few months until March and the return of Total Divas. I hope AJ will get a few decent matches in before the WWE has to write to fit into the reality show narrative. A few Diva notes (which means I’ve been watching too much wrestling) B-cup Bella has been a surprise of late. She’s been surprisingly aggressive and shown signs of talent. Bryan must be giving her good tips. While D-cup Bella is taking on Cena traits which speaks for itself. AJ was able to get the win. Fox was semi-impressive as well.
- Once again the lack of debt of the WWE roster was on display. A handful of wrestlers didn’t even make it out. There is the intriguing Kofi / Miz feud that really took off at the PPV that was barely discussed on RAW. ADR got no attention. Ricardo Rodriguez got more face time Monday night as the Spanish announce table was threatened. Even the Primetime Players didn’t do enough to get a quick mention. There’s a whole group of guys that could have made it onto this list but there was no time. Unlike previous weeks when no one “deserved” the 20th slot, this week it was because we got 3 to 4 really good wrestling matches that took up most of the time. The lack of a 20th character is a compliment to the quality of the three hours of TV.
Honorable Mentions
HBK – I so badly want to add HBK to the rankings but I couldn’t. He was the most Honorable of Honorable Mentions last night. If The Shield has planted the seeds of a break up, what do you call what HBK is doing with Punk? Crop dusting us all with magic wishing powder?
Evil Santa-Sandow, his Elf AJ and Tamina to pull his sleigh – I loved this. This is the closest the WWE will get to a “Bad Santa” skit (in their PG world) and who better than Sandow and AJ to play the role of grinches who can’t stand kids. Often, I can’t fast forward through the WWE skits but this one was too good to skip through. I don’t know what this “Battle for Christmas” is going to be next week, but I’m certainly interested.
Chocolate Santa w/ Bella Elfs – Fox News’ Megyn Kelly’s head must be exploding that the WWE’s portraying Santa as being black. I’m guessing she’ll be cheering for the evil “White Santa” because as she so gracefully and intelligently explain to us that it’s historical fact that Santa and Jesus were both white dudes that were born and raised in the all white part of the world know as the Middle East… Wouldn’t it be a great idea, if she tried to save face and came out with Henry next week as one of his elves in a sexxxy outfit (she’s got the requisite Fox News legs)? Look, I’ve got great ideas all the time, just ask me. Fox News and the WWE can have that one for free. It is the gift giving season.
Side Note(s)
Championship Matches – I’ve said it before but it needs to be said again. There is a plague that’s fallen on the WWE which is “straight up” official matches between a champion and a challenger are ending with the challenger winning cleanly but the title is not changing hands. This is completely absurd and is the one thing I can NOT chalk up to being “part of the show.” If you want to make gimmick matches or tag matches that mix up partners or singles matches that separate tag teams or whatever form of variable / stipulation you can think of, I’m cool with anyone winning. BUT, if there is an official match and the champion looses, the championship should change hands! “Smokey, this is not ‘Nam. This is wrestling. There are rules!” Tonight Goldust and Cody were in an official tag match against Show and Rey. Show and Rey won with a 1-2-3 pin count. Show and Rey should be the new Tag Team Champions. This isn’t about any one particular wrestler or for only wrestlers that I like. I don’t want to see Show and Rey as champs but they won a sanctioned WWE tag team match. A few weeks ago there was an IC match which the champ lost and didn’t loose his belt. This is becoming a trend and I won’t stand for it. The WWE employs a lot of creative people and has a writing staff that gets paid money to write entertainment. If you’re a champ and you wrestle in a sanctioned match, your championship is at risk. That’s part of being a champion and something that Cena got into the past two weeks. I can’t believe I’m actually siding with Cena on a topic but there you go. Are you happy now WWE? I’m agreeing with Cena that a champion should defend against all comers. As Ric Flair would say, “To be the man, you’ve got to beat the man. Whooooooooo!” If you beat the man, you become the man. Plain and simple. Get your act together, WWE. Have some pride.
Until next week…
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