Coming at you from Birmingham, and the BEAR is in no mood for bullshit tonight. I was this close to making this a special “rage edition” of the Power Rankings, it’s been that kind of week. But we’re all adults so I’ll carry on with the dignity and pride that normally comes with these here World’s Greatest Power Rankings! Dick jokes, homosexual undertones, misogynist overtones, nerd-gasms and all the normal crap I spew out of the lump two feet above my ass. Besides, let’s not lie to each other. We can say that we watch wrestling as an outlet and release for our aggressions but that’s not true. It’s an instructional documentary. Who hasn’t put someone in a figure-4 leg lock at least once in their life? You know you’ve slapped someone across the chest and screamed WHHOOOOOO. I nearly cracked my knee once as a kid trying to deliver a flying Macho Man elbow from the top rope (aka the living room coffee table). See the trick is, you have to land on your hip / buttocks and not your knee. Kids are so stupid. Speaking of stupid kids, there isn’t a day that I don’t wish I could chokeslam one of these brats around town through their parent’s car. I was in Subway earlier, which tells you how my life is going, and this kid could not make up his mind. “It’s all pre-sliced crap vegetables in a bin! There isn’t anything you can add or take off that’s going to make your Subway sandwich any better or worse. They all taste the same. Now get moving!” I told you I was angry, right? I may or may not have been asked to leave the Subway establishment without getting my tasteless sandwich.
Anyway, after last weeks events I was officially burnt out on wrestling by Friday. For months, I’ve been excited about WM30 and all the lead up to it. Then WrestleMania came and it was incredible. At the time, I wasn’t sure if it was a C+ or an A- WrestleMania? After some time away from the event and letting it soak in, WM30 is probably in the top 5 WM’s of all time. We can argue over the results and some of the technical wrestling finer points but you’ll always remember the Hogan / Rock / Stone Cold opening, HHH and Stephanie’s involvement, Daniel Bryan winning the WWE World Heavyweight Championship (via wrestling 2 matches) and most notably the shocking end to The Undertaker’s streak and possibly career. That’s not even counting Bray Wyatt’s coming out party (even in a loss to Cena), AJ defending her title against 13 opponents and the ascension of Cesaro (2014 should be his year). We didn’t even touch on The Shield, who with Cesaro are on track to have an awesome sophomore year. Were they the results we wanted? No. Did it have the best technical wrestling matches we’ve ever seen? No. But we will remember WM30 for years to come.
The night before WM30, we had a terrific Hall of Fame induction class which included Lita, Jake “The Snake” Roberts, Razor Ramon (Scott Hall) and a returning Ultimate Warrior. Then WM30 on Sunday. The next night was, as usual, one of the best RAWs of the year. Followed up the next day with the sad news that The Ultimate Warrior died Tuesday afternoon, not 24 hours after giving a great promo in the ring. Such madness necessitated two recordings of the BEARcast - WrestleCast (shameless plug, check out www.worldofbear.com and subscribe on iTunes). I think we now have a scale on which to place the deaths of dead wrestlers. You can go out like Chris Benoit, which would be the bottom of our chart, or like The Ultimate Warrior. If I knew I was going to die, what better way than to spend the three days prior exorcising decades of past turmoil, being inducted into my profession’s HoF, getting to do one last great promo and showing off the love I have for my wife and kids. Don’t get me wrong, dying sucks (or at least that’s what I’ve been told, otherwise I’d have tried it a long time ago) and Warrior’s passing was unexpected and horrible for his family but I can think of a lot worse ways to go out. R.I.P. Warrior.
It’s a new week and a new Monday which means a new RAW. I’m rejuvenated and looking forward to what my friends at the WWE have in store for me. So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 4/14/2014…
- HHH and Stephanie (5) – As in all cases, HHH was right. RKO, Batista and HHH should have dealt with The Shield together from the beginning. Just like we should have dealt with Hitler in 1932. HHH isn’t the cerebral assassin because he’s some fool. WWE must learn from history as to not make the same mistakes! Also, HHH didn’t get in shape just for one WM match. Do your thing HHH. Evolution vs Shield, I’m in! Batista-bomb into the RKO, nice to have you guys back. When The Shield ends up winning this feud, they’ll be the biggest faces in the WWE. My only concern, and I said this last week, is what’s this mean for Daniel Bryan? Everyone assumed that at Extreme Rules, there would be a HHH vs Bryan rematch for the title, but now it seems HHH is in a much better feud (this is where all the HHH haters can shove it in my face that he does what’s best for HHH and cherry picks the best plot lines to be in) and Bryan is going to face a returning “Big Red Machine” Kane. See the Kane ranking for a note on this that may put things in perspective. As pure service to the fans, give me Evolution vs The Shield! Aside from what should be a great feud, The Shield will come out as top faces and RKO, and more importantly, Batista will be firm heels. Kudos to HHH and Stephanie, once again. Long live The Authority. Long live Evolution.
- The Shield (4) – You knew The Shield was going to come out to break up the RKO/Batista vs Usos match from the way the announce team wouldn’t shut up about them. As punishment, HHH and Stephanie decided to give The Shield a mystery opponent for the main event. (Quick note; How many times has the “mystery” opponent gimmick, on an average RAW in the middle of Alabama with no hype, ever been anything worth remembering?) The mystery tag team consisted of ADR, Swagger (which for just a second got me excited that my Swagger / Zeb / ADR fantasy booking was actually happening), Fandango, 3MB, Titus O’Neil, Ryb-Axel, Rusev, and #BadNewsBarrett. Normally, I wouldn’t even put up with this nonsense but the last time The Shield fought 11 men, the match kicked ass and was the turning point to what made them legit to EVERYONE and ANYONE who had doubts, including myself. Titus / Rusev / Barrett or ADR would have been a fine 6-man tag, especially after see ing what the true ending was. There were too many jobbers fighting Shield this time around. Last time, the 11 men were all good wrestlers and everyone had their moments. This time, it broke down into a clusterfuck of D-level talent against The Hounds of Justice, where Rollins basically took out all 11 challengers with his flip over the top (which he can do with his eyes closed). It took a mess to get us to the end shot which was fantastic. What we can take away from this is, if your ending is the return of Evolution and the decimation of The Shield (for the first time!) then I’ll put up with a bunch of silly bookings to start the main event. It was a lot to sit through bus the end was great.
- Randy Orton / Batista (7&8) – The tattoo twins are back together. I’m still on the RKO / Batista train. Now if you tell me they’re going to feud with The Shield, let’s do this. You saw Boo-tista Bastista-bomb each member of The Shield, right? THAT’s the Batista that should have come back two months ago. Sticking him with RKO to help get his balance is brilliant. Looking back, that was the problem. Heel or face, that didn’t matter. Batista was out of the game for too long (and it wasn’t like he was a natural like The Rock, who could wake out of a coma and do a good shoot) and needed someone to help him get his WWE sea legs again. Maybe it could have worked as a face but it definitely is working as a heel.
- #BadNewsBarrett (12) – I was conflicted because I really wanted to see the Ziggler / Big E feud but Barrett’s getting the big push right now. I forgot how much potential Barrett has a top guy. He’s a crowd favorite. He’s a mark favorite. He puts on great matches. He’s just about the size that the WWE likes in the top tier guys. Oh, and he loves being a heel. He’s a more charismatic RKO with just slightly less athletic ability but only a little. Great match with Ziggler.
- Dolph Ziggler (N/A) – Every mark fan’s favorite underdog. Ziggler and Barrett put on the match of the night. When I saw the match ups for the IC tourney, this is the one I knew would be the best fight to watch but the one I didn’t want to see because it meant Ziggler was probably going down. As much as I’d love to see the Ziggler / Big E feud, it doesn’t seem to be what the WWE wants to give us. I don’t know what Ziggler did to be buried and eat shit for so long but I hope his punishment is over soon. There’s never a crowd that isn’t excited to see him. He always puts on great matches. Can’t we put differences aside and put Ziggler back on top. My biggest fear is that he’s going to be used to put over the likes of Adam Rose and Bo Dallas when they come up.
- John Cena (6) – A very pro-Cena crowd at this RAW (I won’t hold that against them since they were a small but strong crowd of only 12k+). Again, Cena is having WAY too good of a time with this Bray Wyatt feud. Google machine, got on myspace, photoshop of Bray Wyatt and Family, Tinder, (does Nikki know about this, god knows we need a fake storyline for Total Divas…sorry, I’ll control myself) When was the last time you saw Cena smile on stage like this? My only fear is that he’s having so much fun not being in the same type of feud that he’s been in for the past five years, he’ll force the WWE to keep this going. You’d hope that Bray wins this steel cage match and they can both go their separate ways after Extreme Rules.
- Bray and The Wyatt Family (3) – Bray was able to keep his psycho gimmick going while Cena went goofy. For that alone, I give Wyatt an A+. Bray in a cage with Cena at Extreme Rules should be the main event, even though it won’t be.
- Cesaro (9) – No entrance music? I don’t know if that’s a mistake or they don’t have one for him yet or it’s a new thing they’re trying with Cesaro. It might work for now but you eventually have to have a cue to let the audience know you’re coming. He’s able to make a simple lock-up look interesting. I guess I’m the only one in the world who hates his swing because even Heyman has to include “The King of Swing” in his introduction of Cesaro. Luckily with the size of Henry, we didn’t have to suffer through it. Cesaro pulled out a solid match with someone that you’d think has a totally conflicting style, which just shows why 2014 is the Year of Cesaro. My early guess is that it will be Cesaro vs Barrett to win this IC tourney. Either one should be able to give Big E a good run.
- Heyman, advocate for Brock Lesnar and Cesaro (2) – Allow me to just sit back and enjoy… Nice haircut and it’s about time. Maybe he once needed the slimy pulled back bald man ponytail to make him look more heel-ish but at this point, he so good that he can have a respectable haircut and still be the best mouthpiece. Heyman is the best.
- The Usos (11) – Bystanders for the most part because The Shield broke up the match but considering the Usos held their own against two top heavyweight heels, I’d say they did well for themselves. Not that they need me to tell the world that they have wrestling skills, but it’s nice to see that they can step up to face top tier talent. Some times you’re a tag team for a reason, the individual isn’t as strong as the team. Therefore, even some of the greatest tag teams haven’t been able to find success after they split. I can’t imagine the Usos splitting in this current incarnation of their characters. I like to see that they can hold their own against all kinds of tag teams. It’s one thing to beat up a tag division that has Los Matadores, Ryb-Axel and 3MB. The next step is beating The Rhodes brothers and NAO, which they’ve done. To hold their own against top talent is the next step. All you have to do is look at The Shield. Also they each give RKO a chance to show off just how talented he is in the ring.
- Damien Sandow (HM) – They really need to give this guy a push. He’s great. What a great promo! In a stacked show, I’m keeping him on this list. Sure he jobbed out to Big Show but that was a truly entertaining heel shoot.
- Goldust and Cody Rhodes (N/A) – I liked Goldust’s Cody-like new jacket. I guess they’re sticking together for a while. Maybe we’ll have to wait until next year’s WM31 for the Rhodes’ brother vs brother battle? I should have known something was wrong when it looked like Goldust was half-assing his way through the match. He’s been one of the best performers since his full-time return but on RAW he finally looked his age or at least like he didn’t give a shit about this match. He’s been around long enough to know it was bullshit to have to put over these Ryb-Axel losers. At least Goldust has a cool new jacket. I’ll keep hanging my hat on that positive. IS IT SO FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO GIVE A GOOD RHODES VS USOS FEUD?!?! C’mon WWE, it’s right in front of your face, just grab it.
- Rob Van Dam (15) – Matched up with ADR in the first fight of the IC tourney. In a battle between acronyms, my heart wants RVD but my brain tells me ADR. The crowd sided with my heart as well. RVD got a great pop. Still working off some ring rust, RVD was able to put on a good match with ADR to open the show.
- Alberto Del Rio (N/A) – ADR has been on a bit of a roll lately. Up until WM30, ADR has won 2 or 3 straight matches. The rumor was that ADR was going to retire soon after WM but with a couple of strong wins and what seemed to be the weirdest push by JBL saying, ‘ADR is going to want to retire one day and all that’s left is for him to win the IC belt.’ That’s what is going to persuade ADR to continue wrestling? The desire to win the IC belt? Look, I want ADR to stick around (as long as they fix his gimmick issues) but if alls he needs is the IC belt so that he can ride off into the sunset, I’ve got the few hundred bucks to buy him the IC belt from the WWE store. I’m not risking bodily harm in the WWE for the honor to be called IC champ. Just say you won it, who’s going to waste time looking that up? I don’t know what the future holds for ADR but he put on a very good match with RVD. I don’t care what profession you’re in, if you know you’re on your way out, you don’t put in this quality of work. I sure as shit ain't bustin’ my ass like ADR did to put over RVD just to retire in a month or two. Then to do a small bit of double duty at the end. No way, this guy is for sure re-signing with the WWE.
- Paige (14) – It’s as if AJ Lee hadn’t just owned the longest Divas title run. New Diva’s champ and after doing a little research, which consists of me asking Fred “The Oracle” - “What’s this Paige bitch’s deal?” It turns out that Paige is a hit in NXT. I have never seen that finishing move before! Or at least in the ring, I believe I tried that once with a “lady of the night” and ended up costing me an extra $50 and a slipped disc in my back. In all seriousness, if she can show us that her Paige-turner can be cleaned up and she can put on this submission move to 90% of the Divas, we might have a hot new competitor in the Divas division. As Fred and I discussed on the last WrestleCast (another cheap plug), we might be six to twelve months away from a very strong Divas division. Oh and tip to all you young girls, or fathers of young girls, the single lip piercing looks horrible and like you're a caught fish.
- Alicia Fox (N/A) – The spring of the Divas division. She sells every move like it’s a finisher. She and Paige put on a really good match. I did find it funny to hear the ref admonish both Divas to “what the hair!” Half the time, all it looks like is two balls of hair with legs fighting each other. Pulling hair is what girls do, right? It’s like guys giving each other dead-leg punches or giving the old “cup check.”
- Alexander Rusev w/ Lana (16) – The guy’s built like a brick shit house and Lana is a brick house. She mighty mighteeee and let’s it all hang out. Someone clear this up for me, is he The Bulgarian Nightmare or Brute? You know what, who cares? Did Lana come out with him? Yes she did and that’s all I care about. Tip to the WWE, keep her as a manger. Under no circumstances turn her into an in-ring worker. That was the downfall of Stacy Keibler. Rusev might really be TAZ 2.0, not Big E as I predicted a few months ago.
- Kane (HM) – Hello, old friend. It’s nice to have you back. If he only had a little hammer at to “break glass in case of emergency.” We’ve been waiting for Koporate Kane to finally drop the facade and become “Devil’s Chosen Son” (I think that’s the nickname the announcers used? Regardless, I like it). Wow, isn’t it amazing how fast the WWE had that Evil Kane video package ready to go. It’s almost as if they knew he was coming back. Almost as if this stuff is written??? Keep this little note in the back of your heads. If Fred “The Oracle” is correct about Kane retiring from wrestling sooner than later, this might be his way to be in one last big run vs a champion. On the outside it might seem like a less than ideal first title defense for Bryan but he does have history with Bryan and why not let him go out via a feud with the current baby face champion.
- Sheamus (20) – Took down Swagger. Congrats. Can’t imagine how hard that was. Let’s get to the real dilemma. I have no problem with the WWE selling their wares. But am I the only one who’s a little uncomfortable with Sheamus in just his ring skibbies walking around a Toys’R’Us going up to children and taking pictures? I don’t even have kids but I think I’d insist that he put a shirt on and at least some gym shorts for god’s sake.
- Ryback and Curtis Axel (N/A) – Ryb-Axel is a thing now? REALLY? We’re going to do this? They got new music and a few tag moves, which they looked like they were performing for the VERY first time. WWE, please don’t elevate Ryb-Axel. They were fine being the new top jobbers of the company. Find me the one person who’s a Ryb-Axel fan. I picture a lonely guy, typing away 4 - 5,000 words a week each week, critiquing RAW and … Oh shit! There’s an evild doppelgänger of me out in the world begging for this Ryb-Axel tag team. I must find him and kill him before he destroys the WWE with his bad ideas! Dear readers, please help me destroy this Phantom Menace before it’s too late. We didn’t act in time to stop Lucas in 1999 but you can help me now. We must save the WWE from the Ryb-Axel Menace!
- SAN-TIN-OOOOOOO w/ Emma (18) – If you take away the gimmicks from Santino vs Fandango and have them in a real match, I’d bet you get one of the more entertaining matches you’d see all year. There’s a better chance that I’ll get a chance to wrestle Bryan for the WWE title at Extreme Rules than Santino ever getting a major push. I’ve always said how much I love Santino and as long as he’s on the show, he’s on this list. It was a jam packed show so I’m making a special dispensation and putting him at 21. If you don’t like it, I’ve got two words for you…MY LIST.
Honorable Mentions
Ultimate Warrior tribute – If you’re going to have someone put together an “In Memorial” clip package, you couldn’t find a better author than the WWE (as long as you were on their good side). The WWE did a great job and nice work giving a legend his proper farewell tribute.
Big E – As the centerpiece / goal of this IC tournament, he and the IC title are getting a nice push. I know it was a packed show but couldn’t he have been at the announce table or somewhere else other than some small backstage office looking like he’s creepily masturbating to the RAW video feed? Even if he was, why stand? There’s a chair right there. Sit back, relax. Get comfortable if you’re going to be a pervert, that’s what I’ve learned in my lifetime.
The Big Show – Didn’t even break a sweat and cashed a check. I’m envious.
Mark Henry – Sorry buddy. Being cannon fodder to the next superstar but I couldn’t waste a spot on you in this week’s rankings. It’s not you, it’s me. We can still be friends.
Xavier Woods w/ R-Truth – It’s nice to see “brothers” working together but the Bulgarian Nightmare / Brute destroyed them both. If I may, these two would benefit greatly from my fantasy booking of Corporate Nation, even if they’re part of the bottom tier. What else are they doing other than jobbing? They each have too much talent to be jobbers. Although Corporate Nation would require Xavier Woods to cut his hair.
Swagger w/ Zeb – They need to find a new running mate. This isn’t going to end well if it’s just the two of them. Take on ADR, it will work!
Fandango w/ Layla – Was Summer’s heat on Total Divas too much for Fandango’s character? Or was Fandango weighing her down? A twitter war? Is this the first breakup via Twitter? The WWE is always ahead of the game. Now he can bring down another Diva. Summer, be lucky you made it out in time. This current Fandango is a sinking ship.
Brad Maddox – Oh Brad Maddox, you’re so cute in your little shirt and tie, doing whatever the HHH / McMahon family wants you to do.
Adam Rose and Bo Dallas – Let’s get it on guys. I was fooled last year with Los Matadores, I won’t be fooled again in 2014
Side Note(s)
OK, was it not I that was saying we needed to bring back the King of the Ring tournament just a few weeks ago!?!? An IC number one contender tournament isn’t the King of the Ring but it’s a tournament nonetheless. We haven’t had a good tournament in wrestling in some time. I’m very excited for this. AND THIS is what I mean by, It’s the start of the new year for the WWE. Last week we got to see the wrestlers that will be coming up (or at least their promo videos), returning wrestlers and now a tourney to breath some life into the IC belt situation. Of course, if it were me, I’d do this for the US belt which Ambrose rarely even carries it around with him for the most part (of course he brings it on RAW to make me sound stupid). You could always throw together a new feud for Big E and his IC strap, but I’m not here to complain. Although you could justify the US number one contender a lot better BECAUSE Ambrose hasn’t hardly defended it. It would be a good way to give a whole cast of characters something to do while Ambrose is off doing Shield stuff. I’m just saying. Although, depending on who wins the tournament, you figure this would raise the profile of the IC belt. Assuming this was a “real” tournament and I had to fill in the bracket, it would take me more time than the 64 teams on the recent NCAA basketball bracket. I could make a case for just about each wrestler, look at how this started:
Henry / Cesaro
RVD / ADR
Sheamus / Swagger
Ziggler / Barrett
My predictions is the final will be Cesaro vs Barrett with Barrett taking the upset to go on and fight Big E. The question would be, does the WWE think Cesaro needs an IC run to legitimize a push to the WWE title or can he (and Heyman) make the straight transition to the WWE title?
Until next time…
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