Coming at you from Seattle, tonight we celebrate the Slammys! In yet another mutated creature from the Island of Dr. McMahon, the Slammys are the WWE’s answer to all other pop culture and sports award shows that celebrate themselves. I’m a sucker for a good awards show and as much as I love the Academy Awards, Emmys, Golden Globes and even the Grammys and MTV Music Awards (I’m old now. Music has been dead since 1998), the Slammys are a kin to the ESPY Awards or the MTV Movie awards. They just as made-up and fake as the product themselves. That’s not to say the Slammys couldn’t be great. There are a lot of great things that happen in wrestling over the years and to award / rank them is fun. What the hell do you think you’re reading right now? The problem is, once again, there are too many PPVs and instead of the Slammys being on a night by themselves, they’re being wedged in along with a “go home show” before a PPV this sunday. Here’s a great solution; put the Slammy Awards on the odd Saturday night that NBC shows wrestling instead of a repeat of SNL during the winter. It’s a great way to repackage the highlights of the year for a mainstream audience and would be shown in the only “young / hip” time slot on Saturday night. This wouldn’t cost the WWE anything and let’s the WWE do what the WWE does best, make great video packages. If you insisted on having the wrestlers be there, you could still sell out an area, have the crew dress up and give out the awards. You’re telling me the wrestlers would complain about a show where they didn’t have to throw themselves around a ring and just see cool montages of the year? It’s not like NBC has anything better to put on. Have you seen Dracula? It’s fucking horrifying…horrifyingly awful. The dude is from Europe, in England, puts on an American accent, to pretend he’s an American industrialist at the same time fighting some underground Illuminati, all while he could get any woman he wants but is obsessed with his friend’s fiancé because she looks like his dead wife and I think Van Helsing is gay? It’s a train wreck. Don’t get me started. And that’s NBC’s most hyped show. No, NBC isn’t saying no to this idea. Lastly, the fans would love it. I couldn’t tell you how excited I got (hell, I still get) when WWE was on Saturday night! Wrestling allowed me to stay up late and was on one of the four “real” networks! Say no more, I’ve got my PJ’s on and I’m curled up in my dinosaur blanket. But no, we get a clusterfuck of an awards show smashed in with the show that’s supposed to set things up for the TLC PPV. This should be good :/ (sarcastically typing - side note - Please, for the love of baby Jesus, someone tell me what the universe has decided to use for sarcastic text? Can’t the internet come together and say, “This is the proper nomenclature on how to sarcastically write text?”) What I’m trying to say is, the Slammys could be great (unless you’re a member of the Hart family, which then you don’t ever want to win one and god forbid two). I’m excited. I’m oddly excited for TLC as well. All signs should be pointing towards a good show. So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 12/09/2013…
- Daniel Bryan (7) – Talk about owning a show. The show opener, and Washington native, Superstar Daniel Bryan sure as hell looked like a face of the franchise to me. You knew he was going to be a hometown favorite but not even the top brass could have expected the ovation Bryan got at the end of the show. He forced HHH, Cena and RKO to improv lines to work the crowd reaction into the already great ending. (Example #1 of why these are the best performers in the world. They have to be physical freaks, know their character’s lines / scripted goals and be able to adjust on the fly according to the fan reactions.) Whether he was winning Slammys, getting the crowd riled up, facing off with HBK or working a solid match with Fandango; Byran killed it. Seattle was a great crowd and Bryan had him in the palm of his hand. Congrats on a magical night.
- John Cena (5) – The mere fact that the WWE acknowledges and is pushing the “Let’s go Cena / Cena Sucks” chant should tell you all you need to know about “heat”. Just like there’s no such thing as bad publicity, there’s no such thing as bad heat. I live in a house divided. My girlfriend is an unabashed Cena lover while I’m part of the smart fans who boo him. Tonight our roles were switch. She pointed out that Cena’s speech was stupid because Cena gets the same pushes at RKO gets and neither of them have ever worked as hard to get (and hold) their top spots like Bryan did. This is my girlfriend’s words. I thought maybe she’s finally coming around, but after her rant she still proclaimed her love for him. I, on the other hand, usually give him a hard time but tonight applauded his show ending speech. I agree with the Super Cena nonsense, hello! Two weeks back from the IR and you’ve got the World strap on. I don’t care what the end storyline is, you’re still prop’d up as the true “face of the WWE.” Regardless, he gave a super speech about giving chances to deserving wrestlers. I can’t knock a guy who points out Ziggler, Punk and Bryan (whom he has wrestled, and from what I understand, campaigned for in the back) all deserve championship chances / pushes. Cena won the night. Having said all that, this picture is all you need to know about who cheers for Cena…
- The Shield (1) – The seeds have been sowed for the split. It seems the breakup will be based on a Ambrose / Reigns fracture and Rollins will play the peacekeeper. Who knows for sure? It’s just the start and by next week we’ll all “Believe in The Shield” again, or at least until after WM and the proposed Shield / Wyatt feud. The point is, The Shield will break up at some point. As much as I knew this day would come, to see The Shield start to splinter makes me sad. The Hounds of Justice have been great. Such is life and everything must move forward.
- CM Punk (3) – Clearly, this is 3-on-1 match between Punk and The Shield is not the fight we want to see, but I’ll take a 1-on-1 match with Punk vs any member of The Shield everyday of the week and twice on Sunday. It seems as though Punk has found that spark again. He played second fiddle to Heyman in their feud, probably because it was he who had to carry Ryback and Axel while Heyman was free to just do the shoots. Punk is still in limbo but I expect a good match at TLC and hopefully we’ll get a clearer picture of his WM plans by the time the Royal Rumble comes around. Hell, maybe he’s put on the short list of possible winners of the Rumble match? Something has lit his fire and that’s all that matter. Also, this picture at the finale was great. I could devote a whole post to breaking down this picture.
- The Rhodes Boys / Rey Mysterio / Big Show (2) – It’s funny how the world works. Big Show and Mysterio sit on opposite ends of the scales but they both have the same problems and solutions. They’re both extremely hard to put into long feuds and in-ring they’re best served in small doses. Letting Goldust and Cody do the heavy lifting was smart. Not only is Goldust the Comeback Player of the Year but Cody might be the breakout star. Goldust and Cody need to drop the tag belts soon so they can get into their presumed feud at WM (unless the feud leaves the belts abdicated which then you could have an awesome tournament for the straps) and to give the other tag teams a lift. Also, we got a great new angle to when a tag is about to get made. It only took 50 years to get this shot.
- HHH and Stephanie (8) – To give herself the Insult of the Year award was a little self indulgent especially since Stephanie didn’t deserve it for any one particular insult. I’m fine with HHH and Stephanie giving themselves any award they want because in reality, they’re the MVP’s of the WWE. As I’ve said many of times, they’re “The straw that stirs the drink.” It took 2:54 to finally get both HHH and Stephanie in the ring but as usual it was worth the wait. Remind you, they’re part of the team that is orchestrating all this behind the scenes. To give us a top 5-of-the-year show ending, that deserves big props. They had an all star collection in the ring for the finale which included Bret Hart and HBK standing side by side for 10 minutes, which was probably 4th on the list of insane things that happened at the end of this show.
- Randy Orton (4) – RKO needs a timeout for his behavior problems. At least that’s what Cena made it seem like. RKO wasn’t at his best but there was a ton going on. I’m not here to make excuses for a man who can take care of himself. I will say again, the pot is calling the kettle black when Cena accuses RKO of “favoritism.” I hope RKO wins the TLC match. He’s more than capable of putting on a stellar match and lifting Cena’s performance as well. It’s a monumental task asking for anyone to beat Cena as the new unified Champion. If anyone can do it, it is RKO. I’ll keep my fingers crossed.
- The Usos (N/A) – They should win most underrated in-ring performers. They never say anything. They’re never feuding with anyone. They have absolutely no storyline. They only bring down the house every match they have. It’s amazing. Watching one of the Usos on Total Divas allows me to see that he’s capable of putting words together. Why they’re not asked to do more or the writers haven’t found something to do with them is a shame and the only thing holding them back. Otherwise, I’m always excited to see them wrestle and I can’t remember the last time they disappointed.
- The Wyatt Family (6) – Finally, in his own weird way, Bray Wyatt gave a great promo. This feud with Bryan is either going to be a horrible story or it’s going to be awesome. Hopefully Sunday will tell us what’s happening with The Wyatts and Bryan. Like Punk / Shield, no one is looking forward to a 3-on-1 match with Bryan / Wyatts but this one has more of a story and potential set up for the future. With the true Superstar pop Bryan got on RAW, who knows what the WWE will end up doing with Bryan and The Wyatts. If Bray is healthy and can fight, a match between him and Bryan could be great. Otherwise I can’t seem to wrap my brain around Bryan “becoming” a Wyatt and what that’s supposed to do for either of them. If you wanted to just put on a pound for pound 6-man tag with The Wyatt Family vs Bryan and The Usos, I could go for that. The Usos brought out the best in Harper and Rowan, which ended with a devastating clothesline by Harper for the win.
- Bret Hart and The Match of the Year (N/A) – The only award to make it on the Power Ranking. This is the only award that really mattered. CM PUNK / Undertaker, Rhodes vs Shield, Lesnar / HHH vs Rock vs Cena? You had to know that Super Cena and Punk would win this award but like so many, the fans (which I don’t believe actually decided the outcomes) voted the wrong match. Out of these choices, I’d have to go with The Rhodes Family vs The Shield with CM Punk / Undertaker a close second. The stakes were high, the bit was set up perfectly, they incorporated a living legend, it brought back a rejuvenated Goldust, lifted Cody’s profile and proved again that I “Believe in The Shield.” It was a great feud, fight and result. Even Bret seemed to know this was a bullshit win because he bolted the stage as soon as he read the winner. Props to Bret for walking out on that bogus win. The Epic Fail of the night was to have Bret Hart and HBK in the same ring and NOT have them do something together was a huge missed opportunity.
- Damien Sandow (9) – Sandow is a solid challenger for Big E. I expect a good match at the PPV and am interested in seeing how Sandow is used afterwards. I don’t expect Sandow to win the IC belt because of the push Big E is getting but assuming he puts on a good showing, what’s next for Sandow?
- Big E Langston (11) – I can see why WWE brass likes him. Big E fits the WWE mold, is solid on the mic and can put on a good match. He’s not transcendent but you can see why the WWE wants to push him. Let’s not forget how green he is. It’s barely been a year since he’s been on the roster full time and only a few months (if that) since he’s gotten this push. I fully expect Big E to beat Sandow and retain the IC belt at TLC. With a good showing, I’ll be excited to see who he defends the IC best against next. I’d love to see Big E prove himself against Sandow and then get into a student / master feud with Ziggler. (Maybe not the best choice of words as one is a small white dude and the other is a hulking black guy but you get my point. Think Star Wars, not early American colonialism through 1865.)
- Kofi Kingston (14) – JBL was right, “This is the Kofi I like.” Angry Kofi is the best Kofi. If this is a preview of the PPV, Kofi and Miz could steal the show. With an opponent that can pull his weight in a match, Kofi and Miz are is a match that people don’t want to be sleeping on. One of the reasons I’m overly pumped for this PPV.
- The Miz (14) – In a short but sweet match, Miz pulls out the win. Even though he finished the match being laid out, it was a good, quick match. The RAW finale reminded us that Miz is a former WWE champ. During the transition from Attitude to Reality eras, The Miz was the hot wrestler. He’s a much better heel than face. Miz is also the type of heel that will allow Kofi to have a mean streak and the crowd will go with it. The Miz can be that super arrogant asshole that warrants the face to be aggressive as well. It seems that The Miz is to a character that he does well and the crowd enjoys to hate.
- Brodus Clay w/ Sweet T and the Funkadactyls (18) – I’m looking forward to Clay breaking out of the kid friendly mode and wreck shop. That’s what he was supposed to come into the WWE universe as. Not this dancing dinosaur. As stupid as this “rumpus over the funkus” is, if that’s what Clay needs to unleash the beast, then let’s do it.
- AJ Lee (HM) – Once again, shafted by the Bellas for the Diva of the Year. It wasn’t as big of a shafting as her loss for Insult of the Year was. AJ gave one of the best shoots of the year. Not just for the Divas division but for the entire roster. AJ gave her version of Punk’s pipe bomb shoot. Unfortunately, the WWE is more concerned about the Total Divas show than the success of the Divas champ.
- Alberto Del Rio (15) – One of the greatest shoot promos of all time! I’m just messing with ya’ll, how the hell would I know, I don’t speak Mexican. I’m just assuming. ADR was World champ just a few months ago and now he’s fighting fake Sin Cara? How the might have fallen. If it’s any consolation, he and Sin Cara could put on a good match which may lead to the next step. I still think it would be interesting, after all of ADR’s bluster, if ADR and Zeb teamed up to send all the “illegals” back to where they came from, it could be an interesting concept. I have no faith that it will happen or if it did, would be handled correctly.
- SAN-TIN-OOOOOOOOO (N/A) – You can tell the dumbest stuff happens on Smackdown. Smackdown had the “taming of Santino’s cobra” which was absolutely preposterous, but I’ll admit I loved it. I love anything Santino does. No matter what he’s asked to do, he does it and with 100% effort. I don’t care if Santino falls ass-backwards into being the champion for two-seconds. It will be the best two-seconds of my life. One day Santino, one day.
- Fan-dan-go (N/A) – Someone had to come out and job to the hometown hero, Bryan. Fandango and Summer Rae got to put on their classiest dress shoes and tear it up. Fandango’s gimmick is on the boarder of being done or ready for full acceptance from the crowd, not just the marks who are metta-cheering Fandango. Either way, the boy can wrestle. I may hate the gimmick but I’ll give the wrestler his due.
- Ryback / Curtis Axel / Real Americans w/ Zeb (N/A) – Zeb somehow was nominated in almost every Slammy category but won nothing. I won’t be shedding a tear for poor old Zeb. Out of this conglomerate of mediocrity, Zeb is the only character that gets me worked up in any way. As far as the wrestling goes, Cesaro is the real deal and the only one of the four who deserves to get any kind of push. The finale reminded us that Swagger was once a “Champion” which points out the need to consolidate the belts. Ryb-Axel dumping Heyman was not a good move when neither has any personality. If I was booking the show, I’d break up Cesaro and Swagger. Then flip Zeb and Swagger into a three man group (which the WWE seems fond of these days) with Zeb as the mouthpiece. WWE can roll the dice with Cesaro to see if they can turn him into a contender and the “reloaded” Real Americans will save the plummeting Ryb-Axel.
Honorable Mentions
Total Divas – I HATE HATE HATE HATE the Total Divas reality show. (looking from side to side to see if anyone is watching me) I liked last night’s episode. The death of Gizmo the Cat sucked because it was real and most of the situations on the show last night seemed to be actual reality. The WWE is already “reality TV” so you don’t need the added fake reality on top of that. Do a straight up documentary on what goes on behind the scenes of the wrestlers and THAT would be a great reality show.
Jerry “The King” Lawler and Booker T – Our hosts for the Slammy Awards. If you asked me to choose between The King & Booker T vs Franco & Hathaway, I gotta say that The King & Booker would be a better choice to host the Oscars.
Mark Henry – The biggest upset of the night was that Henry didn’t win the Biggest Double-cross of the Year! This is truly an outrage. I don’t know one person that wasn’t fooled by Henry’s fake retirement. Not only did he play it perfectly but also gave Cena one hell of an ass whooping. Shaving his head and becoming the “Ricky Rosé” Henry has been great too. I couldn’t justify putting him on the Rankings because he lost the Slammy and didn’t wrestle but he was there as a former champion (again, I didn’t remember that he was a champ) and had fun with Bryan at the finale. A solid performance and I hope they insert him in a good feud soon.
Vickie Guerrero – I don’t know that she deserves more than a Honorable Mention but she definitely deserves to be a part of the LOL moment of the year. She had HHH breaking character and was the butt of The Rock’s joke, along with the million of other solid stunts she pulls throughout the year. She’s a solid performer and always brings her “A” game.
Shawn “HBK” Michaels – It’s so strange, usually HBK is so understated and humble. (Where is my sarcasm text?!) HBK stepped up his…well…HBK-ness to a new level. Winning the double-cross of the year was bullshit but predictable. Trying to re-name the award after himself and with such lame pop culture attempt from 10 years ago was just so, so, so… HBK. By the way, I can see HHH doing it someday.
Xavier Woods w/ R-Truth – What more can I say that I didn’t touch on with Brodus Clay. If Woods is what gives us a badass Clay, I’ll deal with it. At least Woods has a lot of promise in-ring. Also, a little R-Truth each show isn’t a bad thing.
Dolph Ziggler – Not on the show except as a set piece for the finale. He’ll be in the PPV pre-show which has featured some good matches and important players. Hopefully the days of Ziggler being buried are done? We can hope.
Russell Wilson – Great MVP chant during the Sin Cara / ADR match. Well deserved, but he has no chance vs Peyton Manning’s Super Cena status.
Side Note(s) –
I’m glad we wasted precious time, once again, explaining how to download the WWE app. The key isn’t “how to” download the app, clearly nine million people have figured that out, it’s to make the app work! Unlike Michael Cole, I won’t waste any more of your time or a power point presentation explaining this.
I’m a fan of Nelson Mandela but at the 1:16 mark to just throw an “in the memory of” seemed weird. Out of all the people to get a clips package, the WWE couldn’t tastefully explain Mandela to generations of kids that have no idea who he is and his importance in the world? Oh, I forgot the WWE doesn’t do subtlety well. If there ever was a time to go overboard on someone, I could live with it being for Nelson Mandela. At least the WWE’s heart was in the right place.
Until next week…
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