WWE Power Rankings, RAW 11-18-2013

Coming at you from Nashville, this week’s RAW has gone “Country.”  My entire life, I’ve always felt that wrestling’s heart had always landed in a “red state” even though millions of fans live in the city.  The WWE says New York is it’s biggest stage / home (namely MSG but could soon be Barclay’s) but when someone says they’re going to see professional wrestling, don’t tell me your first thought isn’t of some hillbilly toothlessly screaming at a ‘raslin show?  To have a special night that’s “country” is stupid, especially when this is the “go home show” before the Survivor Series PPV.  We have enough on our plate that we don’t need to work country songs and acts into the show.  Besides, what fan of country music is going to tune into RAW for the first time because it’s in Nashville?  People come to the whore house for the whores, it don’t matter if they’re singing Sweet Home Alabama or Wisconsin Death Trip, just as long as the whores know how to fuck.  As city-folk, I’m not interested in this country show and I’d guarantee you’ll never see a RAW that’s gone “inner-city” or “street”.  Back to this being the “go home show” before the PPV, we’ve got some great matches that need the final setup AND I’m very interested in what HHH and Stephanie’s return will mean for the various matches and story lines.  The end of last week’s show was so great, we don’t need any silly gimmicks.  This is the third “go home show” in a row that’s been suspect.  If Vince is worried about buy-rates and PPV main events, work on the wrestling story lines and not the arena.  I’ll go out on a limb and say that the crowd in Boston (where Survivor Series is taking place) doesn’t share the musical tastes of those in Nashville but both want a good wrestling show.  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 11/18/2013…

I will say, the plus side of having this “country” night, I got to fast forward through a lot of stupid country music crap that normally would have gone to in-depth RAW breakdowns.  It made the night go much faster and my job a little easier.  On the negative side, this week’s Power Rankings won’t be the normal 4,000+ words, so really it’s my loyal reader who are doubly punished with this horrible needless country gimmick.  I apologize on behalf of the WWE to all of you.

Also, keep in mind the rankings are a little skewed because almost all the top talent were only involved in the main event and table setter for this weekend’s PPV.

1. 12-man Extravaganza featuring The Shield / The Wyatts vs Punk / Bryan / Usos / Cody and Goldust (1/2/3/4/5) – AKA the battle of the entrance themes.  The beginning of this match reminds me of days gone by when every great wrestler had to top each other with their entrance music / routine.  I’d normally be against tag teams “jaw-jacking” but when tensions between The Shield and Wyatts start to flare, it only gets me excited for their inevitable feud (fingers crossed).  While watching this 12-man match, I realized that as much as I like to Monday-morning-quarterback, the WWE does know what they’re doing a majority of the time.  I loved the match and thought everyone did a great job, but it did show that all these guys in one match might be too much of a good thing.  It would be incredibly hard to give each group and feud the proper time in a classic ‘Series match.  I’m glad we got to see this match but now that it’s out of my system, I’m looking forward to the two matches on the PPV that were spawned from tonight’s main event.  Let’s not forget the cherry on the night, the return of Rey Mysterio Jr.  I think it’s safe to say that Mysterio is the fifth man on the Sheild / Americans vs Usos / Rhodes / mystery man Traditional Survivor Series match.  The Wyatts vs Punk and Bryan will be a great match as well.  Although I’d like to see Bray Wyatt be a scheduled participant in the PPV match, I’ll bet that he plays a major role in the match.  Since I’m doing a bit of predicting already, I’ll go out on a limb and say both of these matches will shuffle the deck but ultimately bring the teams closer together.  My friend, Freddy D “The Oracle,” pointed out that Survivor Series brings groups and tag teams together while just a few months down the road is the Royal Rumble which is when you see teams get split apart.  Take Cody and Goldust, they’ll be great at Survivor Series but one of them will probably cause the other to get eliminated from The Rumble which will lead to the much anticipated Rhodes family feud.  The Superstars are all aligning for these tried-and-true plots to start taking place.  
2. Rand Orton (6) – Even with an initial line reading flub (although, I’ll bet that HHH was supposed to say, “Who do you think you are?” instead of “Who are you talking to?” a true thespian would have been able to improve that spot better) RKO can put on a show.  Going from petulant child to grinning bully to selling a near upset to trouncing Maddox, I find it incomprehensible for people to not see RKO’s greatness.  You can hate or love his character but when he’s on his game there’re few better at performing all aspects of the wrestling spectrum.  Unfortunately, RKO’s caught up in this feud between HHH and Stephanie vs Big Show.  RKO was stuck without a top tier opponent once Punk and Bryan were placed against The Wyatts, and with Cena fighting ADR, the only person left (in the WWE’s eyes) was The Big Show.  RKO can’t loose this match otherwise it would be another hit to the WWE championship.  It’s not as obvious that HHH or Stephanie will have some sort of roll to play in this match (i.e. when HHH was the guest ref for the Bryan / RKO match) but I’m hoping that they will intervene because this match needs something extra.  As unbelievable as it sounds, this match has fallen behind the two tag matches and the Cena / ADR match as far as importance and anticipation.  I dare say, the WWE could open Survivor Series with this match.  None of this happens to be RKO’s fault. 
3. HHH and Stephanie (N/A) – They’re back from vacation, sporting matching spray tans and wasting no time making their presence felt.  As a boss, I’ve known the displeasure of coming back to the office and seeing what the mice have done while the cat’s away.  Yes, maybe Maddox and Guerrero (and Kane) didn’t perform as HHH & Steph would have hoped but we did get a great ending…Aw, who cares!  Putting Maddox against RKO in a no DQ match was great and even better was putting Vickie against AJ (finally putting AJ in the spotlight).  Their return was solid as you would expect.  As with most segments, due to the need for time to promote all the various country BS, they didn’t do a ton other than get the show going and doling out punishments.
4. Cena (7) – The lack of boos for Cena illustrates that Nashville is a town of nimrods.  Don’t fight me on this, I’ve been to Nashville, they’re nice people but clearly they don’t know good wrestling.  The PPV will be a great barometer because it’s in Boston (Cena’s home town in case you haven’t heard) and if he gets even close to his 50/50 crowd split, it will be impressive from a mark point of view.  Surprisingly I’m looking forward to this match because I think ADR will bring out the best in Cena.  As much as I’d love to see ADR beat Cena and regain the World strap, I’m guessing Cena will hold on to the title a bit longer, even though I don’t know for what purpose. 
5. Alberto Del Rio (11) – Holy Santa Maria Batman!  ADR is such a better heel than he is a face.  Again, this was a night which no one had ton of time to flesh out their plot lines.  Although this one is pretty simple and has been straight forward.  It’s a rematch.  ADR is going after Cena’s arm.  The match pits the WWE superhero Cena (80% chance of winning) vs a WWE super villain ADR (20% chance of winning).  This feud with Cena has cemented ADR’s heel status.  The reason this would be a great win is because 1) what better place to push ADR’s villain status than to beat Cena in his home town and 2) with ADR’s heel status cranked to 11, what better time to have him take the championship and then defend it against top contenders in Kofi, Ziggler, Sheamus, Miz, R-Truth, Sandow, etc.  The irony is that up until last week all of these guys were either faces or directionless, now these other contenders have either flipped to being a fellow heel (i.e. Sandow) OR suddenly shown signs of being in other feuds (i.e. Kofi / Miz) or winning a different belt (i.e. Big E).  We’ll have to let this play out.
6. Big E Langston (8) – I know fashion is cyclical but someone has to tell Big E that CrossColors is not back in style.  I’m also not sure if maroon is the best color for him to wear.  He looks like one of the California Raisins.  Oh, did I mention that he thankfully ended Axel’s reign as IC champ?  Congrats to Big E on his first strap.  I thought it was going to be Ziggler who would take the IC title but I’ll reiterate my stance that even though Axel almost relegated the IC championship to a Flavor-Flav-sized belt buckle, with time a good IC champ could return the belt to prominence.  Big E has been impressive and will be a good champ.  He’s certainly getting a huge push lately.  The win was well deserved and I hope for good things from our new IC champ, Big E Langston.
7. Vickie Guerrero (14) – Tonight was a stellar performance by Vickie.  She was able to out crazy AJ.  She passed my girlfriend test who found Vickie’s constant passing out hilarious.  For the second week in a row, she made the most out of what she was given.  Even down to her muted Excuse Me.  In a week without Heyman, she took the torch of the ridiculous manager / GM role.
8. AJ Lee (N/A) – Could it be, we finally get a prolonged taste of AJ?  Weeeeelll, not so much.  BUT she did get to bounce around and be the main opponent in Vickie Guerrero’s best night in a long time.  Even without the Total Divas machine, AJ has retained the belt.  For the most part, the 7-on-7 Survivor Series match is basically a Total Divas vs AJ and crew match.  I pray that AJ gets to shine and we aren’t subjected to a 20 minute ‘Series match where AJ stands in the corner until the end.
9. Brad Maddox (16) – There were few moments of character development this evening but Maddox and Vickie were two of the few standouts in terms of fun story telling.  Coming out alongside Vickie, with his tail between his legs, you almost felt bad for him.  If anyone was going to be HHH and Stephanie’s punching bag it was going to be Maddox.  Maddox seemed all but doomed until he got a small opening in his match before the hammer of RKO fell upon him.
10. R-Truth and Xavier Woods (15&N/A) – First off, who the hell is Xavier Woods?  He looks like a jacked up James Brown.  The WWE promotion machine is all or nothing.  Take The Wyatts or Los Matadores, they’ll get weeks of hype and promos.  If you’re not someone that the WWE thinks is a sure shot, you get to be R-Truth’s never seen before hype-man.  You can debate on the success of The Wyatts and Matadores but they at least got the full WWE push.  Mr. Woods on the other hand?  Course, when you look like the black Baba-booey, do you really need any hype?  To my surprise, Woods made an excellent debut.  It’s funny how R-Truth is now an older statesmen in the locker room, ushering in new talent and being a reliable tag partner.  I know it was a small sample size but I’m giving them a nice bump this week.  
    
    
    
    
11. The Big Show (13) – Tonight told us two things; a) we’re reminded that Big Show is best in small doses and b) is anyone hyped for this Big Show vs RKO match?  It will be interesting to see where they place this match on the PPV.  It’s not going ahead of Cena vs ADR and I hope it’s not higher than the two tag team match ups.  Unless HHH and Stephanie have a way to sprucing up this match, the WWE championship match is no better than fourth?!  With all the time and effort the creative team has put into this RKO / Authority / Big Show feud, the WWE has failed on this one. 
12. Dolph Ziggler (18) – Poor Ziggler, the WWE is doing all they can to embarrass him.  Yet Ziggler finds a way to shine (and win) in one of the most idiotic matches, a Broadway Brawl, which Ziggler channels his inner-Honky-tonk man.  I take back the “most idiotic” part because the crowd got on overly excited when Ziggler was smashing drums over Sandow’s head.  Clearly the WWE knows how to cater to a Nashville crowd.  Regardless, I hope this was the final punishment that Ziggler has to endure to get out of the WWE doghouse.  He’s another guy who people can love or hate but they can’t deny his talent.  I’m starting a #FreeZiggler campaign.  
13. Damien Sandow (12) – Sandow seems to be coping with the loss of his MitB chance by binge eating.  Is it a little gay of me to notice that Sandow’s belly is stating to sag over his little black trunks?  Maybe but wouldn’t you be pounding fast food on the road to feed your depression if you lost the MitB match and had to loose a Broadway Brawl match via an El-Kabong to the dome after being corralled by a bass drum.
14. Kofi Kingston (HM) – I was hoping that Kofi was the mystery teammate of The Rhodes and Usos but as the night concluded it seems that Mysterio will be the mystery teammate.  Kofi was great and athletic as usual.  He’s more than deserving to have the next big push and has the ability go up against anyone.  That said, it seems like…
15. The Miz (N/A) – Out of nowhere Miz has snapped and turned on his fellow face, Kofi.  Maybe this is the heel turn that will put Miz back on our radars.  He’s done his best work as a face but nothing to show that he can’t also be good heel.  Lest we forget he was bestowed the figure-four-leg-lock by Ric Flair.  Maybe it’s time for him to follow Flair’s footsteps as a heel?
16. Ryback (15) – If you would have told me that between Axel and Ryback, Ryback would be the Heyman guy who has a better career projection, I’d have called you a perfect fool!  I don’t think there’s a wrestler that talks during a match as much as Ryback does, even to his detriment because you can hear he prattle on with his opponent about what their next moves are going to be.  I will give him credit for lifting  up Big Show without hurting Big Show or himself.  Obviously he wasn’t going to win the match but between the two, Ryback was more impressive.  That’s not a very high bar. 
17. Curtis Axel (17) – Axel seemed to get the appropriate amount of negative heat, and not for being a heel but for sucking donkey balls.  You can’t have strong heel heat when you have no personality.  Thank god he dropped the IC belt.  Hopefully Big E can bring some respectability back to the belt.  In the meantime Axel better step up his game or he’ll be back to OVW or WWE’s brand new developmental training facility.
18. The Real Americans w/ Zeb (13) – Who’d have guessed that Zeb and The Real Americans would get one of their biggest pops in Nashville (he says facetiously).    Once again Cesaro demonstrates that he’s the standout wrestler of this tag team.  The most shocking thing was to find out that they’d be teaming up with The Shield to fight Cody / Goldust / The Usos / Mysterio (most likely).  I’m guessing they might take out one or two opponents at most but then will be quickly dispatched in order to leave The Shield vs some combination of the Rhodes / Usos.  I wouldn’t be upset if this was were we start to see the crack in The Real Americans and Cesaro making the leap to singles wrestling. 
19. “Rhinestone Cowboys” aka 3MB (19) – Did the WWE listen to me and take my advice about 3MB take on the persona of each new city the show is in?  I’m not sure I can take all the credit but I’m guessing I had about 64-72% to do with it.  You’re welcome America.  3MB, or whatever they’re calling themselves, were able to keep their jobbing streak alive.  Congrats.  KCC (keep cashing checks).
20. N/A – This spot has been locked down by Los Matadores for the past few weeks but it was an odd night.  Luckily we weren’t suffered by the train wreck of El Torito.  Also, most of the top stars were lumped together in the 12-man tag which left a lot of open slots.  I wasn’t going to throw in a Broski or even David Otunga’s mention just to round out the rankings.  This week, there wasn’t a #20.  These are a sacred Rankings and they won’t be sullied by the undeserved.  Without rules and standards, all we’re left with is chaos.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to proof read my rankings of the Rhinestone Cowboys and Vickie “I know where the bodies are buried” Guerrero.

Honorable Mentions

Korporate Kane – I like the gimmick.  I like the look.  The problem is, he’s done nothing.  Maybe this is the twist HHH and Stephanie will inject into the RKO / Big Show match by having Kane interfere with Big Show to let RKO retain the championship or possibly vice-versa.  What’s the point in having a monster in your employ if you’re not going to use him?  If all he’s there to do is to make sure the Brad Maddoxes of the world make it to their matches, they’re wasting his talents.  

Primetime Players – Their absence is a big conspicuous.  In this rejuvenated tag team era, the Primetime Players have been curiously absent.  Maybe it’s nothing, maybe they’re lying in wait for their time to strike.  Month ago, when listing off the strength of the tag division, they were at the top of the list.  Now they’ve been leapfrogged by the likes of the Real Americans, a far inferior team but true heels.   

Musical Diva Chairs – JBL said it perfectly, “This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.” 

Side Note(s) 

Wrestlers do not age well.  Need proof…

It’s official, Country music is now just bad rap music set to poor guitar playing.  The video for Florida Georgia Line had the same formula that every 2000’s rap / pop song has; “my cool car and you should be in it” feature a smoking hot babe being shuttled in and out of said car.  The only difference (besides the music) is that rappers want to get their cars as low as possible while the country singers want their trucks lifted as high as possible.  

Not a good night if you were hoping for a Survivor Series match between The Shield / The Wyatts vs The Rhodes / Usos / CM Punk / Daniel Bryan.  Although that would have been a dream matchup, I can see it being an overbooked match.  It would be hard to give every Superstar their chance to shine.  In lieu of the mega-match we’re getting somewhat watered-down ‘Series match and a tag match but this could be a good thing.  The Shield / The Real Americans vs Rhodes / Usos / myster-io guest will work out better.  The myster-io guest and the Usos will probably get the short end of the stick when they get eliminated along with The Real Americans.  Hey someone’s got to get knocked off first.  If it leaves us with any sort of pairing of The Shield vs either or both of Cody / Goldust, I’m good.  The same can be said for the Wyatts vs Punk / Bryan match.  There’s little doubt that Bray will essentially make this a handicap match but it should be a good one.  By splitting the super 12-man match, which we got a good taste of tonight, we should get 2 excellent tag matches featuring great wrestling and probably some twists and turns if the in-ring storytelling is done right.

My wrestling crew is getting together for this one.  It should be a solid PPV.  Survivor Series is technically one of the four Majors so expect some fireworks.  

Until next week…

WWE Power Ranking, RAW 11-11-2013

Coming at you from Manchester, England, it’s Veteran’s Day and the WWE starts with a salute to all of our current and former military members.  Throughout the years the WWE has been a huge supporter of our armed forces and I’ve always been astonished at the commitment that they show to entertaining the troops.  Never a year goes by that the WWE doesn’t GO TO the military, often times in not so friendly places, and put on a show for the troops.  I give the WWE a ton of credit for doing what few entertainers or companies do which is to go to the troops and support them while on duty around the globe.  We’ll get into the rankings and the wise-cracks soon enough but here’s a big thank you to all of our military (especially my grandpa Henry (RIP) and stepdad Ted) for their service to our country, and a thank you to the WWE for making it a priority to entertain our troops and bring a piece of “home” to those serving around the world. 

The WWE is in England tonight.  It’s always fun to see how different countries react to the characters established in the USA.  It’s a totally different vibe than just the odd midwest state vs New York or Los Angeles.  I always loved when William Regal, a heel most of the time in America, would fight the champ and get a HUGE crowd pop.  Also, these foreign shows are filled with “smart” fans that have waited years to see the WWE come to their town.  These hard core fans spend a lot of time on the internet following wrestling so you get a good mix of “marks” and overseas reactions.  If anything, this should be interesting.  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on Veteran’s Day 11/11/2013…

Initially we’re told that HHH and Stephanie are on vacation and won’t be at the England show.  The as RKO makes his way to the ring to open the show, we’re told that due to injury The Big Show isn’t going to be on the show either.  Whatever the real reasons for them not making the trip across the pond is, this can open the show up to giving more time to some of the other wrestlers looking for their characters to get some screen time.  

The rankings were getting pretty muddy for a while but luckily we got one of the best RAW endings in quite some time, which also helped me put all these guys in the proper order.

1. The Shield (11) – I don’t know if there’s a speed record for best promo, but The Shield’s cut with RKO has got to be on that list.  It was great.  I’ve been reading rumors about the eventual breakup of The Shield, even WWE had Reigns holding the WWE strap with a question “Who would you like to see as the next champ?” on WWE.com, so it’s only a matter of time.  I plead to the wrestling gods, please keep The Shield together through WM30.  I don’t know if my pleas will be answered until WM30 but it looks like they’ll stay together until Survivor Series.  In what was the match of the night, match of the month and in the running for RAW match of the year for what potential it could bring.  The Shield, The Wyatts, The Rhodes, The Usos, Punk and Bryan stole the night!  Just the fact that we finally got a glimpse of Shield vs Wyatts was enough to get me off the couch.  When it became a 6-on-6, I was ready to throw $50 down for a PPV right then an there.  DON’T TELL ME THESE GUYS DON’T HAVE BUY-RATE POWER! If you can’t sell this match, the WWE is the one who is failing. (see the Big E ranking for more on this subject)
2. CM Punk (2) – What better way to warm up for a handicap match with Bryan against The Shield than to beat up on his favorite human piñata, Heyman?  Beating up a cast / wheelchair bound Heyman should be an intercontinental event.  You could take this show to each continent.  Once the smoke cleared from the Heymen act, it was time to get to business.  Was there any question that Punk and Bryan weren’t going to put on a great match with The Shield.  That’s right, it’s not even a question.  It’s called rhetorical, bitch.
3. Goldust and Cody Rhodes (5) – Once again another week of them being thrown into a match without getting to cut any promo.  It’s a little disappointing because Goldust is such a beloved character, it’s always great to see what he comes up with.  Fortunately, both Goldust and Cody have been killing it with their in-ring performances.  If you would have told me five years ago, Goldust would be back full time and performing at this level in-ring, I’d have called you insane.  Throw them into the mix of the main event and that’s why they’re up to #3.
4. Daniel Bryan (3) – Teaming up with Punk was just what the doctor ordered.  Their similarities in-ring and backgrounds make them a no-brainer for a great tag team.  Bryan gets the 4th spot because he didn’t have any extra curricular activity or another match.  Out of the 12 men involved with the main event, only The Usos have less character development.  At the same time, the crowd goes crazy for Bryan and it’s his theme song they’re ending the show on and his signature YES, YES, YES that the crowd goes crazy with.
5. The Wyatt Family and The Usos (4/10) – Almost an afterthought for the night, The Wyatts made the night and The Usos put the exclamation on it.  The Wyatt Family did the most to jack up the crowd.  They light the fuse to a potential Wyatt vs Shield match and then fueled by ‘The Spirit’ they showed The Shield the light in regards to common enemies.  It shouldn’t have been a shock to see the Usos fly in with The Rhodes boys but they rounded out the Survivor Series match.  They’re in-ring work has been so good recently that their inclusion can’t hurt this 12-man tag match (although I can’t remember a moment where they’ve been able to cut a promo?).  
6. Randy Orton (1) – The show opener.  With a lack of “supervision” at this show, RKO thought he could throw his weight around.  Why not?  He’s the “face of the WWE.”  Unfortunately he forgot to read the memo about sticking foot in mouth.  While no one will confuse this group for a Shakespearean theater troupe but to watch the banter between RKO-Maddox-Kane, and later Vickie, wasn’t bad.  He’s the WWE Champ.  He’s going to be high on the list.  If you only watched the first two hours of the show, he was the star.  Not until the end would I have put any other wrestlers above him.  He seemed to be put in his place by everyone tonight.  From the mouthpieces of the Corporation to The Shield, I wonder how RKO will react when HHH and Stephanie are back on the show?
7. John Cena (14) – It’s official, smart fans all around the world know to boo Cena.  He polarizes both sides of the Atlantic.  The shots of the crowd is all you need to know about “The Cena Affect.”  The small boys and older women cheer while the tween girls and older men boo.  It’s the most fascinating sight I’ve ever seen in a crowd.  He also did the exact thing I talked about last week.  He rose to the level of his competition.  This was the best in-ring work I’ve seen from Swagger / Cesaro and Cena matched their efforts.  He was good.  
8. Big E Langston (9) – Who’d have guessed Big E would be the one to “save” Cena from ADR?  I guess that makes it official, Big E is getting the big push.  Nothing against Big E, because I do like him and hope he does well (hell, I called him Taz 2.0 last week) but why does he get the World Champ push while Ziggler gets to job to Axel?  Do they not both deserve a push?  Recently, Vince was on a stockholders conference call and it was inferred that the reason for a less than anticipated buy-rate on the last PPV was due to Daniel Bryan being in the main event.  It’s absurd to think that one person on a card is what makes or breaks a PPV, especially when that person incites near riots at every match I’ve watched.  My point is, if Vince is trying to make the lesser known wrestlers the scapegoats, it’s not the lesser known wrestler’s fault, it’s the WWE machine.  You can’t have every event be Cena VS The Rock.  If you want to build your other characters, you have to give them time to grow and if some of the smaller PPVs have a lower buy-rate, then so be it.  Giving the other wrestlers time to grow will ultimately lead to more stars and bigger cards and better buy-rates.  You’re not going to see individuals grow if every time a Superstar gets heat, like Ziggler or Bryan, you bury them in lieu of new face.  I like Big E, but he’s not going to skyrocket to the level of Bryan, Punk or even Ziggler in the next month or two.  Yet, they’re being buried in lieu of Big E’s brand new heat.   
9. Heyman (16) – This is another character that if I’d known tonight’s show would be in Europe, the anticipation for this week’s show would have been enhanced.  I forgot that Heyman had been in Europe receiving medical attention for his injuries suffered at Hell in a Cell.  Maybe not so shockingly, shots fired at Ryback!  If Ryback and Heyman’s unholy union can’t stand the test of time, how can any marriage be expected to last?  There’s no one better on the mic right now.  Two very important points of interest; 1) he looks like Darth Vader at the end of ‘Jedi and 2) I’m sure the ADA or the EEOC will have something to say about Heyman’s treatment and his ability to safely get in and out of the ring without being beaten with a Kendo stick.  
   
10. The Big Show (13) – Supposedly missing from the trip, ‘Show surprised RKO and came out to bring justice and punishment to RKO.  During the Attitude Era, Big Show’s choke-slam setup would have been tame but in this new Reality / PG era, that’s the biggest bump you’re going to see on a RAW show.  After watching the replay, and remembering the era we’re in, that was a pretty good spot.  Big Show was used for the proper amount of time.
11. Alberto Del Rio (6) – Put on an average match with Big E.  Nothing great and nothing bad.  He did what he was supposed to do, which is to win.  He’s like the San Antonio Spurs, he went out and beat the inferior opponent.  Are you going to make the Spurs the champs just because they be the Golden State Warriors?  No, because it’s what they’re supposed to do.  Wake me up when he’s fighting Cena for the World strap again (which I have no faith that he will win, even though he never should have lost it in the first place but that’s what you get when you fight “super” Cena).  ADR also had a few good lines during his ringside commentary.
12. Damien Sandow (8) – Michael Cole and JBL made a great point (I know, don’t have a heart attack) but they pushed the storyline that since Sandow was one of the few to cash in the MitB case and loose, it would bring out a vicious and violent rage in Sandow.  You know what?  I like it.  It makes sense and gives us a motivation that Sandow can use to again try to chase the World Championship.  Who cares about subtle story telling.  Bash me over the head.  I’m a dumb wrestling fan.  All that I care is that Sandow has a direction and the proper motivation.    
13. Real Americans w/ Zeb (17) – I was surprised that the boos for The Americans weren’t bigger when they were first introduced.  Thanks to Zeb, he got the boo level up in a hurry.  You can make fun of their Queen.  You can make fun of their sports.  But when you insult the greatness of Mr. Bean, well sir, you’ve gone too far.  The Americans are a forgettable tag team but Zeb is starting to grow on me.  The more they push him to the outrageous and idiotic ramblings, the more I enjoy him.  “You know, if real Americans ran this country…” it would be called America, not England.  If you’re going to be a heel manager, be a total foolish heel manager.  Zeb is almost at the Vickie / Excuse Me point were no matter what is said, the crowd is going to boo.  That’s the type of heat that’s invaluable to a heel.  As far as matches go, The Americans put on an above average match but it’s clear that Cesaro is the standout wrestler between the Cesaro-Swagger-Cena threesome.  I can’t wait until The Real Americans break up so we can see what Cesaro can do on his own.  No one throws in that German Uppercut like Cesaro does, almost out of nowhere a few times per match.    
14. Vickie Guerrero (N/A) – EXUSE HER, but welcome to the Power Rankings.  The 14,000 mark fans in England played with Vickie excellently and vice-versa.  She got to a register so high, I’m throwing raw meat down the street to lure the coyotes away from house.  Her character works great with a smart audience.  It’s one of those gimmicks that if the whole crowd doesn’t get, then the bit falls flat.  Fortunately she had the crowd rocking it played great.  I’ve grown to love Vickie over the years.  After her husband’s death, which before she was never an on air personality, she’s been able to parlay her persona into a lengthly career.  But I’ll still defend my theory that she “knows where the dead bodies are hidden,” and Vince has kept her gainfully employed for the past eight years.  Give her credit, she makes the crowd pop (for good or bad) and while there are other females in the WWE who have youth and looks on their side, Vickie has found a way to become a valuable asset for the WWE.  For any of the younger Superstars (men and women) that complain about the WWE not giving them their shot, I give you Vickie Guerrero as example #1 of make something with the opportunities the WWE gives you.  Or just be married to someone that Vince / WWE may have tangentially contributed to their death and the death of their best friend who also killed his wife and son (i.e. Chris Benoit, who’s name has been all but erased from the WWE record books).  I’m not saying the WWE is connected to these things but they may have felt remorse and a responsibility to help Vickie out after the sudden death of her husband.  Also, after the Benoit tragedy, the WWE really started to crack down on steroid use and furthered precautions when it came to head trauma from things like chair-shots.  Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit were supposed best friends.  Of course there’s no proof but if you look at all the Divas, valets, managers / GM’s and even sideline reporter-types the WWE has hired, one of them doesn’t look the others.  Again, Vickie has earned her spot.  It’s just one of those things that make you go hmmm? 
15. R-Truth and Ryback (N/A & HM) – Sometimes, out of nowhere, there comes pairing and a match that you’d never expect to be good and turns out to be a highlight of the night.  I would have normally 4-timed through this match.  Unlike suffering through the Divas matches, this was a delight to sit through.  Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t HBK vs Undertaker but for a run-of-the-mill RAW singles match, it was pretty good.  I have no idea where this is going to lead or if this was just a way to get both wrestlers on the card and, more importantly, R-Truth to rap but it was a good match.  Critiquing and praising is the difference between a slap on the ass vs a slap up-side the head.
16. Korporate Kane and Brad Maddox (HM) – Well, someone has to run RAW tonight.  Maddox did his best to give the people what they want.  Leadership abhors a vacuum and with HHH and Stephanie out, you see the all the people come out of the woodwork to fill the empty space. Kane and his new title of Director of Operations, because why wouldn’t you give someone who supposedly murdered his family via arson and has had repeated mental issues a top level authoritative position, came down and seized control of RAW from Brad Maddox.  Maddox and Kane were surprisingly good together.  Let’s face it, Korporate Kane could have been a huge disaster but so far, he’s hitting all the right keys.   
17. Curtis Axel (18) – He came out with a spring in his step as if he wasn’t going to loose.  I gotta give Axel his due, he fought well and against all signs (and my hopes) he retained the IC belt.  He even had his moments against Ziggler.  He got the Ziggler-bump which can put anyone over in a match.  I haven’t been a fan and if Axel is going to keep the IC belt, he better step up his game.  It’s one thing to beat Ziggler, who’s going to make anyone look like a stud, but now Axel has to prove his skills against an opponent that put him over as cleanly.  Frankly, I’m still in shock that Axel won.
18. Dolph Ziggler (15) – If last week’s win over Curtis Axel was meant as an appetizer for Ziggler to win the Intercontinental Championship intercontinentally, then the WWE are geniuses!  “Not so fast…” as Lee Corso would say.  To my and the Manchester crowd’s shock, Ziggler lost his rematch against Axel for the IC belt.  I’m stunned.  The only person more frustrated than me has to be Ziggler himself.  What does he have to do to get a push!  He’s legit WWE or World Championship material but the WWE has him jobbing to Curtis Axel?!?  For the IC belt!??!!?  WTF?!?!  What are they planning on doing with Ziggler?  He definitely had the crowd on his side and he’s been primed for a run at something.  He gets enough of a pop that I can’t see him not being used.  This is baffling.  I guess all I can do is cross my fingers and hope that next week we see Ziggler doing something more substantial than using his great skills to put over the likes of Curtis Axel.  I haven’t been this down over the result of a wrestling match in quit a while.  If the WWE is looking to add to my angina, well done.
19. “The Union Jacks” aka 3MB (19) – They’re still cashing checks and wrestling on WWE TV so, yeah, I’m jealous of them, but they also still suck.  Although the idea of 3MB taking on the local persona of each city they go to might make me change my mind about them.   
20. Los Matadores w/ El Torito (20) – I guess if these morons could make it into the USA, they could easily make it into England.  I know this is horrible to say but Los Matadores make me wish Zeb and the Real Americans would come out and put an end to this nonsense.  

Honorable Mentions

Santino – SAN-TIN-OOOOO!!!!!  The first indignity was to team him up with Los Matadores.  The second indignity was to make him wear horns to coincide with El Torito.  The third, was to make his stupid sock gimmick also have bull horns.  The last was to make him ‘Ole with the stupid midget bull.  For god’s sake, he’s in Europe, you know he’s going to get a face pop.  Couldn’t they let the man at least have a real match?  Nope.  Does he say no to anything the creative team asks him to do?  Nope.  Fear not, I still love you Santino.  I know you’re better than this.  One day, I don’t know how or when but one day you will be WWE Champ.  On that day, I’ll be there cheering and telling everyone that I always believed in you.  Until then, KCC (keep cashing checks)!!!

Kofi Kingston ( ) – Not the best of nights for Mr. Kofi Kingston.  Seemed like the crowd was lukewarm to Kofi.  Then he got the pleasure of jobbing to Sandow.  Worst yet, they weren’t given a whole lot of time for a match and things never seemed to get rolling for Kofi.  I’d rather him be on RAW than not at all.  He was there to job for Sandow and put him over with a new twist to Sandow’s gimmick / storyline.  In that regard, he did his job (and that’s where the terms comes from ladies and gentlemen).      

Fandango – I’m not giving in to pier pressure and crowd reaction.  If I went by sheer crowd reaction, Fandango would have been in the top 10.  Fortunately I have control over my sense and realize when I’m being manipulated.  I’ll dance and point but it was a crap match which was only to further promote a show that I can’t stand 95% of, the Total Divas.  So, nice try WWE, but you can’t trick me.  HM is good enough for Fandango and his feud with Tyson Kidd.  Make it a real match, and then I’ll think about putting both in the top 20.

Zack Ryder – The Broski is the next in line to be the “QVC” host of the week.  He did a great job.  In fact, this small gimmick of having a new pitchman each week working surprisingly well.  I’d rather see this pitchman competition than any of the Divas matches.  

TeeJay aka Tyson Kidd – This is a chicken or the egg scenario.  Did this feud start because of Total Divas or did their feud start in Total Divas because they knew when it started to air on TV, they’d have a comeback feud with Fandango.  Fandango not a stranger to the Total Divas machine.  From the clip of seemingly fake outrage from TeeJay and Nattie, I believe it’s a total work.  These two have had more fake reality fights than any couple that since the Osborns.  There is a chance that this can springboard TeeJay back into a storyline which is fine if he and Fandango can put on a good product.  I’m not going to waste too much time breaking down this aspect of the WWE universe on a night when The Shield is going up against Punk and Bryan.  

Snuka vs D-cup-Bella – This is the bane of doing this Power Ranking.  I have to watch matches like this instead of fast forwarding through them.  These matches are forced upon us to make sure the WWE can promote Total Divas during the show.  Just in case we miss any of the commercials when fast forwarding.  Other than this match and the Natalya match there wasn’t too much selling of Total Divas, which was a bit surprising.  Up until now the WWE has been hammering it in our heads like HHH with a sledgehammer.  I get it.  They’re not doing this stuff for free and promotion is part of the game.  What I don’t understand is that AJ Lee is the champ and she could easily be in these matches or have more involvement on the mic.  The WWE is “burring the lead” as they would say in the newspaper business.  You know, newspapers, that stuff that kids light on fire and watch like a hypnotized moth during their pyro phase.  Oh, like I’m the only weirdo who lit things on fire when I was young?  Regardless, use AJ more.  That’s what everyone should be getting out of this rant.  More AJ.

Side Note(s)

There weren’t too many side notes this week.  My biggest gripes were with Ziggler jobbing for Axel and the burying of Bryan due to PPV buy-rates.  The crowd in England was great.  It seemed like the show was a lot of fun and they got one of the best endings of the year with the Survivor Series preview.  

I have no idea what next week will bring when the WWE “goes Country?”  I can only assume it means SAN-TIN-OOOOO will be in some ridiculous cowboy getup and doing some sort of ho-down nonesense.  If you could bet on wrestling that would be the “lock of the century, of the week.” (shout out to SVP & Russillo and Aqua Team Whatever…)  Why do I get the feeling that I’ll have the same look on my face watching WWE going Country as I do watching this girl dress up her snake?

Until next week…

WWE Power Rankings, RAW 11-04-2013

Coming at you from Greenville (that’s in South Carolina which is somewhere down the east coast of the country, yeah, I didn’t know either), in what felt like two weeks since we last got together maybe it should have been three.  Instantly there were a few tell-tale signs that we might have a stinker on hand.  First was there was no mention of where the show was originating from (always a bad omen).  Next, you could tell by the crowd shots that they were in what looks to be a converted airplane hanger (nothing wrong with small crowds, but going off the last time the WWE was in such a small arena, we had one of the worst WTF episodes of RAW.).  Next CM Punk came out with the weirdest Squiggy/Eddie Munster hairstyle (not a big deal but it’s a sign that no one is watching over the details).  Instantly we’re shown a clip package from last week’s show.  Aaaaannnnddd here’s were concern sets in.  If the story is not memorable enough that you need to show clips of last week before anyone comes out to speak or wrestle, it’s not a good sign.  This isn’t Me trying to look down on the production, the facts speak for themselves.  I’m fine with a pre-credits “previously on” or during the monologue they want to show clips but every time they shoehorn last weeks story into the beginning of RAW, it’s usually not a good sign.  Of course that’s why they wrestle the matches and do the shoots (to steal a phrase from real sports) but I’ve watched enough wrestling to know when to be worried.  Hopefully I’m wrong, it’s easier to write this based on a good show.  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 11/04/2013…

1. Randy Orton (9) – RKO is the most recent wrestler to be on the wrong side of the WWE promotion machine.  In yet another stupid gimmick whose only purpose is to promote the world’s worst app, RKO came to the ring without knowing who his opponent would be because guess who gets to decide?  We, the unnamed viewers with internet access.  Should the same people who were allowed to vote Ted Cruz into the Senate be allowed to pick who fights the WWE Champion.  I know some will say that one is a farcical title that has lost it’s luster over the years and the people involved are more interested in putting on a show and keeping their job than actually getting a resolution that makes everyone happy, and the other one is who will be the WWE Champion; to which we shouldn’t insult the long history and great tradition of the WWE Championship by letting the unwashed masses decide who the Champ should face.  But these are the times we live in.  Thank god that RKO sold the shit out of his promo.  Classic heel speech!  I loved it and he killed it.  RKO, you are my champion.  Oh, and by the way, good match.  If anyone had doubts about RKO’s wrestling, he can put on a good match with the likes of Daniel Bryan and Big E Langston.  You’d be hard to find two wrestling styles that are on the polar ends of the wrestling spectrum.  
2. CM Punk (13) – The show opener.  Hairstyle choice aside, you can’t go too wrong with Punk as your opener.  Although last week’s rematch of the PPV the night before against Ryback was a bit of a let down, we at least have a new path for Punk.  Punk vs The Wyatt Family.   I can’t say that I see this feud lasting too long on it’s own but my initial thought was to remember that Summer Slam is the next PPV and the Wyatts are heavily marketed for SS.  Maybe before we get to whomever Punk will feud with at WM30, we’re going to get a ‘Series match with The Wyatts VS a group of faces?  I’m down with that.  It’s not Shakespeare but it won’t hurt Punk and it will give the Wyatts the lift that they need to get to the next level.  Punk’s in the unique situation where he can go for any champion or wrestler he wants or if the company needs him to help lift other character’s profile, he can job to them without loosing his status with the crowd.  a few losses isn’t going to hurt Punk especially when even in losses, he puts on great matches.  And Punk needs to get a little dirty.  A little crazy.  So throw him in the swamp of crazy that is The Wyatt Family.  I’m talking myself into this more and more as I go on.  As for the match with Harper of The Wyatts, “They were who we thought they were!” (Denny Green, former NFL coach).  Punk was solid and Harper, who has proven to be more than competent, was stout as the “monster” to Punk’s “underdog” role in the match.  As with most big men, Harper could work on his bump-taking but other than that it was a good match.  Punk being the victor of record but some extracurricular activity went on after the match when the rest of The Wyatts assaulted Punk, which then led to Bryan rushing to Punk’s aid, chair in tow.
3. Daniel Bryan (11) – Continuing along last week’s storyline, Bryan came out to help Punk as the Wyatts predictably attacked Punk after his match with Harper.  Bryan was viciously attacked by The Wyatts and as I touched on with Punk, this could be the beginning of a ‘Series match setup.  I don’t recall if Punk and Bryan have been teamed up together but they’re certainly a good pairing.  They could be the 2013 version of the Super Powers with Bryan as the “vitamin taking, fan favorite, kid friendly, Hogan-esque underdog-hero” and Punk the “bad but cool, goes by his own rules, mark favorite, Savage-esque anti-hero”.  Maybe B-cup-Bella can play the role of Ms. Elizabeth (RIP).  The small crowd in Greenville certainly went ape-shit their pairing.
4. The Wyatt Family (12) –  As I mentioned in Punk’s breakdown, I could have been looking too far ahead.  Survivor Series is later this month and sometimes you have to see what’s in front of you not what’s six months down the line.  For The Wyatt Family to be taken seriously, they've needed to step up their game.  What better pop than to have them take on Punk, Bryan and some other superstar(s) in a Survivor Series match.  Let’s not forget the whole “The devil made me do it.” issue.  I know I’m pushing their ranking but consider at SmackDown they’ll be fighting a very similar match with Bryan and that they’re the lynchpin that’s bringing Punk and Bryan together.  That’s gotta be worth something.
5. Cody Rhodes and Goldust (5) – I almost forgot they were on the show and they probably had the longest match on RAW.  They were very good.  Obviously they gave Cena a boost of energy like I haven’t seen in a while because when the match was over, Cena seemed more excited about the win than the crowd was.  Another case of “who’d you play” because I had Cody and Goldust at #2 but I couldn’t justify it when they’re opponents are the Real Americans. 
6. Alberto Del Rio (15) – The travesty of ADR dropping the World belt to Cena is still sticking in my craw.  There’s no reason for ARD to not be the Champ.  If he had the belt, any belt, his matches would be even better.  I say this after giving his match with Kofi great praise.  The match was terrific.  Kofi is clearly the better athlete but that doesn’t make him the better wrestler.  ADR was just as awesome.  For a run-o-the-mill RAW match, this was awesome.  All I’m saying is, how great would it be if ADR had a belt that Kofi or Ziggler or Sandow could be chasing after?  It would just add so much more to the feud.  Damn you Cena!!!  I’d say he held his own and was fairly entertaining while commentating with Zeb but it was a long match and by the end he was running out of steam.  I’d like to see you wrestle and then turn on the creative side of your brain and do the commentary on someone else’s match while verbally sparing against a manager whose only role is to talk.
7. Kofi Kingston (N/A) – It feels like we haven’t seen much of Kofi for the past month.  Each time he’s been on, he’s been great.  I wish he’d been fighting ADR in a feud for the World belt but hey, I’ll take what I can get.  Did anyone notice that he did a flip over the top rope, completely missed ADR (who was there to pad the fall) and almost landed on his feet and just popped up like it was nothing.  99.9% of the people in the world would have broken at least five bones.  This guy epic fails a move and it actually looks cooler than if he did the move correctly!  Freak athlete.  Great match.
8. Damien Sandow (2) – The Uncrowned Champion, saddled with being paired up with the Real Americans.  In one of the strangest groupings, there wasn’t much room for Sandow to shine.  He started off with a solid promo but it was interrupted by the Real Americans.  That was the theme that was carried into the match.  Sandow was doing fine but he was smushed in with the Real Americans which took away from any real run he could have had at Cena.  You’re starting to see the makings of what would be the various “teams” if the WWE pushes this out to the Survivor Series.  If that’s the ultimate destination then this all makes sense.  At the very least we’re getting set up for a 3-way match between Cena, Sandow, and ADR which is fine with me.
9. Big E Langston (6) – Nothing against Big E, I really like him, but there’s no way in hell he gets 75% of the vote to face RKO.  That’s like when Saddam Hussein gets 110% of the votes cast when he ran for president of Iraq.  But Ok, if Big E “Lebron” Langston wants to talcum powder and lion print his way to the ring to take on RKO, I'm down for it, alls I’m saying is that the vote is BS.  Big E proved that he’s more than capable of putting on a compelling wrestling match.  For a powerhouse he’s got enough agility to be more than just a guy who can perform one or two suplexes.  How about this comparison, he’s TAZ 2.0?  Obviously he was going to loose but he didn’t hurt his Q rating at all.  If anything, this match solidified that Big E has staying power and should be a threat in the WWE universe.    
10. The Usos (4) – I hate to bump down the Usos because they did nothing wrong.  Like the hated BCS college football ranking system, strength of schedule matters.  While a well performed win by the Usos, it was against 3MB.  They needed to run up the score if they were going to keep such a high ranking from last week.  The problem was that they only got a few minutes to perform (god forbid we take time away from a Los Matadores bit).  Sorry for the drop but keep doing your Samoan-thing and you’ll be back up the list.  
11. The Shield (1) – It took 2 hours, 56 minutes to get a Shield sighting.  I thought for sure I’d have to put them in the Honorable Mentions just to point out they were not forgotten.  Hell, I wouldn’t begrudge them because they seem to have worked every show for the last year.  I’m sure they could use a week off.  I’ve got to drop them because it was a packed show with a lot going on and like the Usos, the quality of their opponents, or lack there of, is the main reason for them being dropped. 
12. HHH and Stephanie (8) – Oh my, just when I thought we were going to have an off night from the King of Kings and the WWE Princess…SHOTS FIRED, SHOTS FIRED!  It took 2 hours and 11 minutes to get the first non-taped words from these two but they delivered.  Just as an ace pitcher saves his splitter for the final strike, Stephanie waited for HHH to rant and rave and then threw a nasty splitter that just made HHH look like a fool for trying to swing.  “You’ve never complained about taking McMahon money before?!?!”  SHOTS FIRED.  Some will say that they’re planting seeds of a McMahon corporate split but I think they just like to troll the fans.  In fact I know they like trolling the fans.  You can almost see them saying, “You know what will get the crowd at home worked up…”  Certainly they knew they had the Korporate Kane bullet locked and loaded to surprise us all.  Kane looked like a deranged used car salesman.  We now have the “Authority’s” Survivor Series team or grouping if they wanted to (and I really hope it doesn’t get any bigger, this is perfect) The Shield, Korporate Kane and RKO.  That’s a tough team to beat.  Oh yeah, and HHH is the ring leader!  All of this and the confrontation with the Big Show happened in the last 10 minutes of the show.  Talk about squeezing in under the wire.
13. The Big Show (10) – First off, nice suit big man.  No jokes.  If you think it’s easy to be 7 feet+, between 400-500 lbs and find a suit that makes you look like a normal human than you’re the same kind of stupid that thinks to cook moonshine you just need a little water, yeast, corn, a copper bucket and a bath tub; both things are a lot harder to do than you could imagine.  To then see it ripped from his body, I’m sure that was the biggest disappointment of Show’s night.  You can always heal from an ass kicking but finding clothes that fit, that’s almost impossible.  On the plus side (no pun intended) he got his job back and his title match at ‘Series.  I can only imagine it’s going to be hell for him the next few weeks leading up to that match.  On a side note for The Big Show, tonight’s RAW is why he’s so hard to book.  It’s not because he’s a “monster” it’s because deep down he’s a gentle and funny giant.  He shines when doing comedic or emotional acting.  He’s not a mean guy and from all accounts he’s the same backstage.  He’s always seemed to be more comfortable laughing or crying than he’s ever been at being a ravenous rage monster hell bent on destruction.  If anyone had the foresight to cast him on a TV show or movie as a regular person that just happens to be gigantic, he’s exceed all expectations.  You almost feel sorry for him because being the size he is puts him in a box.  It’s like when you see are really tall black guy.  First thing that comes to mind is, “I bet he played basketball.”  Yet another fascinating person that I’d love to interview.  
14. John Cena (3) – Love him or hate him, Cena IS the Face of the WWE.  When it comes to doing all the stuff The Face of the WWE is supposed to do, there’s no one better.  Is there anyone better at OR is there anyone that the fans would put up with breaking character to literally make an announcement regarding the Susan G Komen charity?  Nope.  He’s the man.  Now let’s transition back to the show.  I’m almost over the insanity of Cena winning the World strap from ADR on his first appearance back on WWE airwaves.  Whether Cena will be a part of a ‘Series match or just a 3-way I’m OK with it.  Cena / Sandow / ADR should be a great match.  If Cena is your least talented wrestler, you’re fine because as we’ve discussed Cena is like water and will find his level.  If Sandow and ADR are carrying the match, Cena will rise to the occasion and compliment them nicely.  If there’s any justice he’ll loose.   
15. Dolph Ziggler (N/A) – With no buildup or story that would lead up to his match against Curtis Axel, Ziggler did what he always does…put over his fellow wrestler.  If you were to watch just this match, you’d think Axel has a dropkick that could literally decapitate you.  Ziggler has to be the most underrated and underused wrestler.  I hate to sound like a broken record.  It was nice to see Ziggler finally get a win but 1) it was against Axel which isn’t saying much and 2) the intercontinental belt wasn’t up for grabs.  It can be said that Axel has degraded the IC belt so much that you don’t want to win it.  Winning the IC belt would be a step back for someone like Ziggler.  My point would be that people are dumb and given time they forget the past.  Sure, it would be a step back for Ziggler to win THIS IC belt but given time and enough quality matches, he’s bring up the level of the IC belt.  Do we look at the WWE title and say, Oh well the Miz was once the WWE champ so being the WWE champ is meaningless?  No.  It just means that some champs are better and more worthy than others.  The IC belt is doing nothing on / for Axel so give it to someone who will do something with it.  We get caught up in what things mean today but forget that time and events change the meaning of almost everything.
16. Heyman (N/A) – Never has anyone done so much with so little (other than Santino, SAN-TIN-OOOOOO.  I’m going for it like Charles Barkley screaming Ginobili).  He’s not in the arena.  There’s not even video of him.  Just a phone call and about 90 seconds.  If you don’t enjoy Heyman or if you want more out of him, then you don’t understand great wrestling shoots or the brevity of wit.  You could argue my 4,000+ word Power Rankings spit in the face of brevity, but I do understand greatness when I see / hear it.  From the absurdity of his injuries to him being in Europe for treatment (he must be on the Kobe health care plan) to the Israeli doctor to his use of his family to his crying and even to his abrupt hang-up, it was so perfect.  A second longer and the shoot would have been stupid.  Heyman is great.  How’s that for brevity.  
17. Real Americans w/ Zeb (18) – The Real Americans are nothing and we can passover them like a Jewish holiday.  Once Cesaro escapes this gimmick I’ll be more than happy to spend time talking about him because I think he’s got the skills to do something.  Otherwise the only interesting aspect of this group is Zeb.  As a character he’s racially and morally reprehensible and the caricature of all that’s evil with the Tea Party.  But he’s also become the only thing interesting about the Real Americans.  I’m stuck watching / listening to see what he does / says next.  When handled correctly and not taken seriously, he can be funny.  The problem is that people take him seriously and don’t see him as caricature.  It’s like watching Fox News.  You flip the channel to see what they’re talking about and within minutes you’re screaming at the TV because you can’t imagine people having these opinions let alone having a “news” network AND it getting such high ratings.  I enjoyed Zeb and ADR’s banter (another proof of ADR’s potential in and out of the ring).  I found it funny how Michael Cole got Zeb to agree with ADR about something.  Most amazingly I found it hilarious that Zeb and I agreed that it was preposterous that Cena gets to come back and immediately challenge (and win) the World title from ADR.  At some point I’ll have to give Zeb and the WWE credit for playing with my head and emotions, but today will not be that day.  These goofballs can stay at the bottom of the Power Rankings. 
18. Curtis Axel (N/A) – Wow!  Look mom, a Curtis Axel sighting.  Axel should send half his paycheck this week and a thank you note saying, “Dear Mr. Ziggler.  Thank you, sir, for putting me over and making me look competent in the ring.  Even in defeat, you made me look twice as good as I actually am.  Thank the lord, Vincent K McMahon, for letting me keep the IC belt another week.  It was a pleasure working with you and you’ve shown me what it means to be a true professional wrestler.  I hope to work on my skills enough so that next time we perform, I can hold up my end of the match.  Thanks again, Sincerely Curtis Axel.”  My crystal ball tells me that it will not be long before Mr. Axel is not IC champion.  Yes, I know it’s not much of a limb that I’m venturing out on.
19. 3MB (19) – Jobbin’ like this is an art.  At this point it seems that 3MB are under the belief if they tank enough they’ll get the first pick in next years NBA draft and can recruit Andrew Wiggins onto their team.  It can’t be easy being the Washington Generals of the WWE.  I hope that they are making a decent living.   
20. Los Matadores (20) – I now know two things, 1) the WWE owes me 5 minutes of life that I wasted watching this horrible team and their stupid promo, and 2) Diego is the circumcised masked hombres.  Let’s just say they’re pants were a little too tight and a little to satin-y for my tastes (that came out wrong…no wait, THAT came out wrong too…forget it.  I’m not gay but I can see your damn cock for god sakes.).  Thank god a midget bull came running in and tried to seduce (?) Renee Young with his horns.  What am I saying?  I’m down for some freaky stuff but this may be too much for me.

Honorable Mentions

Korporate Kane – Basically see HHH and Stephanie’s ranking because he didn’t do anything.  He was a surprise and a complete shocker wearing regular clothes for the first time in 15+ years.  He’s so creepy looking normal that you realized, he’s less scary with a mask, fake hair and in full costume.  

SAN-TIN-OOOOOOO – It’s unfortunate that he only has a few lines.  It’s also unfortunate that he seems doomed to forever be a joke in the WWE and never get a real run at anything.  He delivers my favorite line, “we both know I don’t eat carbs after 6, Ryback.”

Ryback – This was a last minute demotion to the HM list.  The show was too packed to keep him in the top 20.  You almost have to feel sorry for Ryback at this very moment.  Just this weekend a big scandal broke in the NFL regarding bullying and a Miami Dophin player.  There couldn’t be a worse time, socially, for Ryback to have a run based on being a bully.  Then again…maybe it’s the perfect time.  As touched on, the WWE doesn’t do sedulity well.  But the fight against bullying is huge right now.  It’s one of the things the WWE speaks out against as a company.  This is not a time to tippy-toe around a subject.  Take it head on and make Ryback be the ultimate bully so that he can get his ass kicked and everyone can have a cathartic resolution and teach the kids not to bully.  ‘Course the real lesson could be, do a bunch of steroids and get to be jacked like a brick house and no one will mess with you.  Either way, it gives Ryback something to do.  I wasn’t sure what his next move was going to be.  He should be grateful that he now has a direction.  Also, the person to put an end to his reign of bullying will get a big pop so it will probably be a high ranking Superstar.  This will keep him in the spotlight. 

David Otunga and the Law – The breakdown of The Big Show’s lawsuit against the WWE was great.  I’m sure every lawyer will say that this was just some stupid wrestling show gimmick, but we can all think of a news story that had to do with some sleazy lawyer-ese suit or attorney spin that was more ridiculous than “Discrimination in the Workplace for Gigantism.”

AJ / Snuka / Oksana vs Bellas / Eva Marie – Oh, thank the lord Total Divas is back on air this weekend.  I can’t remember if I’ve told you all how much I loathe that show?  Well let me start with a 5,000 word essay…You know, even if I was able to write a coherent essay on how much I hated but still was drawn to watching Total Divas (like a moth to a bug zapper) I wouldn’t want to be responsible for anyone else committing suicide.  I have noticed one thing, which I’m almost reluctant to admit, but is it just me or has B-cup-Bella gotten a little nastier in the ring?  Maybe she’s been practicing with Bryan too much because she has that same high motor with a drop of twisted metal wedged in there.  All this while D-cup-Bella looks to have taken on some of Cena’s lumbering moves.  Maybe it’s in the semen or maybe it’s in the sweat but both’s significant others wrestling styles are rubbing off.  And yet another waste of AJ’s talents.  After a handful of good matches and a killer shoot, I hope all the WWE was waiting for was the return of this reality show.  AJ’s “pipe bomb” promo happened right at the end of the first run of the Total Divas show.  It would make sense to put off that feud until the show was back on and you had more fans of Total Divas tuned into RAW.  Fingers crossed. 

Fandango and Summer Rae vs TeeJay (Tyson Kidd) and Natalya – It’s unfortunate that a possibly interesting match between Fandango and Tyson Kidd was obstructed by the inclusion of Natalya and Summer Rae.  Oh wait, I didn’t know that Summer Rae was an expert at Words with Friends.  Well, that changes my whole outlook on chick wrestlers, I mean Divas.  Look, if we’re not talking about AJ, this is the only good that any of the Divas have done lately.  Thank you Jimmy Kimmel and staff for finding a way to make the Bellas entertaining.  Too bad the “E” in WWE doesn’t extend to the Divas.

Side Note(s)

If I was listening correctly, I believe the announcers stated that Cena was now a 14 time champion which put him in second place of all time championship reigns.  Not only is this the most insulting fact but also doubles down on the ludicrous notion that the World belt and the WWE belt are the same thing.  I know Cena hasn’t won the World title 13 other times.  This isn’t a Cena bashing, it’s a WWE corporate bashing.  The thing that I’ve enjoyed recently is that belts haven’t been switching hands every other week.  Cena is in the generation of wrestlers that had the belts hopping from waist to waist.  The WWE is really doing both belts, and all the former champions for each title, a disservice if they’re going to lump those “wins” together.  It’s the bastardization of what / who a Champion is.

Until next week…