WWE Power Rankings, RAW 12/16/2013

Coming at you from Dallas, off the heels of a spectacularly unspectacular TLC PPV.  Last night’s PPV had the promise of a Bryan Singer X-Men movie but the creative imagination of Brett Ratner X-Men movie.  There were no twists or turns and unlike previous PPVs, which I’ve complained about the lack of conclusive finishes, every TLC match had very definitive finishes.  The problem was, they were all disappointing or expected.  With multiple 3-on-1 matches, a unification match and the appearance of Vince McMahon himself; I was sure that there was going to be multiple interferences or involvement by outside factors but in the end nothing happened.  The only two “surprises” were that Ziggler was buried even further by loosing to Fandango and RKO won the main event with a fairly clean finish to claim the unified championship.  While the main event scored a 2 out of 5, RKO should get a special thanks for sparing us from a Super Cena moment that we would have had to watch a highlight of from now until the end of time had Cena won.  Cena, handcuffed to the ropes, somehow broke down the ring with his Super Cena strength and then carried the ring-ropes on his back and almost one handedly brought down the belts to win.  Luckily this farce was ended by a tug-o-war between RKO and Cena which resulted in a pretty nasty bump taken by Cena’s head on the end of a table.  Even after the match, the whole McMahon / HHH crew came out only to congratulate RKO on his victory.  No shenanigans.  No surprises.  Only shattered dreams of what TLC matches used to look like.  Hopefully with the reappearance of Mr. McMahon, we’ll get some fun twists and a clearer picture to what the Royal Rumble or possibly WM30 will look like.  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 12/16/2013…

1. Randy Orton (7) – Our new unified champion entered the ring like a spoiled brat who whined enough to finally got what he wanted.  For those of you who dislike the RKO outcome, let me point out that he won the belts cleanly without interference.  I didn’t vote for George Bush but he won and he was my president (something the current GOP doesn’t adhere too when it comes to Obama but that’s for a different discussion).  RKO is our Champion!  Flanked by both his main competitors, Cena and Bryan, RKO gloriously came to the ring to bask in the glory of being the champ.  I’ve read some call him boring or stiff when on the mic but I couldn’t agree less.  RKO is a great heel, he’s also a great main even wrestler which is an underrated skill, but RANDY ORTON isn’t Ric Flair or CM Punk or Stone Cold.  Those are special actors who’ll go down in history.  RKO is a great heel, in his own way.  He’s not the fun or flashy or anti-establishment heel.  He’s playing the spoiled brat prick which is the hardest heel to pull off.  Unfortunately he also has to do a lot of the heavy lifting when it comes to the boring parts of the story.  As you can see from the main event on RAW, when he’s given a strong wrestling opponent like Bryan, he brings his “A” game.  BTW, what’s the deal with the different color plastic rings RKO was wearing throughout the night?  I can’t be the only one who noticed, can I?  All I know is THIS IS YOUR CHAMP, LICK IT NERDS… 
   
2. Daniel Bryan (1) – With help from Cena, Bryan got another match against RKO.  The two put on another solid match.  I can’t tell if I should be mad that I wasted interest in Bryan’s feud with the Wyatts or happy that it seems to have ended and Bryan is back at main event status?  Who knows.  It’s still too soon after the PPV and far from the Rumble to really get a good bead on which direction Bryan is going.  On another note, I admit that I fall prey to perception just like everyone else.  I don’t know if it’s the fact Bryan is always smiling and breaking character or the silly beard gimmick or the contagious YES YES YES chant, but I’m always forgetting how well Bryan can wrestle.  He proved it once again in a solid main event.
3. John Cena (2) – Love him or hate him (I’ll stand in the second line) he does have charisma on the mic.  Which is odd because on Total Divas he’s either an empty soulless shell of a person outside of the WWE world or hates being on that stupid reality show (again, I’ll be counted in the second line).  While I appreciate Cena’s help to get Bryan the main event match, why is Cena being pushed down out throats?  Bryan can clearly take on RKO and win.  I guess that’s a dumb question.  Cena’s being pushed down our throats because it’s Cena.  The WWE feels they need to always have him involved in the main event.  Example #874,291 that Cena is truly “The Face of the WWE.” 
4. The Shield (3) – The seeds of dissension have been planted and we now have a good idea of what the break-up will look like.  Before they break up, The Shield still has some unfinished business to get to.  All signs of a break-up were put to the back burner for the night.  It’s unclear is how we’re going to get this fabled Shield vs Wyatt feud for WM30?  Stranger and harder matches have been thrown together between past Rumbles and WMs.  We’ll just have to see.  But the inevitable break-up will not be happening tonight.  The Shield came back together and got the win in a great match against Punk and The Usos.  
5. CM Punk (4) – Punk being directionless, in an odd 3-on-1 fight with The Shield and winning a 3-on-1 against The Shield is all preposterous.  If the WWE is going to make that up with a match between HBK and Punk, I’ll let it all slide!  How awesome would one more match for HBK be with Punk at WM30.  I’ve read rumors about a possible Punk / HHH feud, which seemed like reality last night but then it was HBK that came to ring.  Maybe it was because RAW was in Dallas and what better way to tease the fans than by having HBK drive from his home to show up on RAW.  I like to think positively and hope that we get and Punk / HBK or Punk / HHH or even a Punk / HHH / HBK match at WM30.  Let’s not forget, Punk and The Usos put on a great match against The Shield.  Just to get something clear, Punk by himself can beat The Shield but when you add a top 3 tag team to help him, The Shield wins?  I’ll be working that one out in my head all week.
6. The Usos (8) – For still not having said a word on TV (as far as I can remember) I can’t believe how happy I was that the Usos were Punk’s partner vs The Shield.  I couldn’t believe that the WWE universe made such a good “choice” (see, don’t we all wish we knew how to type out sarcasm, if only we could figure this out…).  I don’t see why this couldn’t have been the match on the PPV?  It was a great match.  
7. Goldust and Cody Rhodes (5) – True fighting champions.  They never get to cut any promos so all they’re left to do is fight, which I’m fine with since they’ve been so spectacular in the ring.  You couldn’t ask for two completely opposite opponents in Show and Rey.  To be able to put on a good match goes with such diverse opponents shows you how great of a tag team The Rhodes boys are.  Although they lost is a clean / fair tag match and didn’t loose the belts.  While I’m glad the Rhodes kept the belts, this is a big issue for me, see the Side Notes for more.  Other than that, they’re the Tag Champs and I expect more good matches.  You know, before they inevitably turn on each other and put on the greatest blood vs blood match at WM30.  I’m just saying.
8. Big Show / Rey Mysterio (N/A) – Both good in small doses and what better way to show that than as a tag duo against Goldust and Cody.  Good match.  This odd couple works well together.  They may not have a catchy name or gimmick but I can see them doing damage in the tag division.  Tell me who you’d rather see; Show and Rey or Los Matadores / 3MB / Real Americans?  Nuff said.  Also, they should be champs right now, see my complaint in Side Notes.  
9. HHH / Stephanie (6) – I was very surprised that Vince didn’t make an appearance.  This has either been Vince’s greatest tease or laziest run.  When was the last time Vincent K McMahon made an actual appearance and did nothing and it meant nothing!?  It’s all very suspect.  At the same time, what am I to believe?  The internet rumors or my own lying eyes?  To the layman, it seems like the McMahons / HHH are dropping the ball but I feel there is something smoldering under the surface that we haven’t seen yet.  HHH and Stephanie opened the show, had the entire roster out and (with a little encouraging from Cena) gave us a nice main event.  I’m sorry, it’s all too clean and nice.  There’s something going on!  I can feel it.  Damn you wrestling!  
10. Big E Langston and Mark Henry (12/HM) – Big E was triumphant at TLC in defending the IC title against Sandow.  I don’t understand why he’s re-teaming with Mayback Music Henry but I was intrigued by the idea a few weeks ago when they teamed up.  During the match, the announcers correctly referred to the abundance of great tag teams right now, and as much as I’d like to see where this literal super-heavyweight team goes.  The fact is Big E is the IC champ.  As such, I’d like to see the IC belt defended.  I don’t know, maybe against his former mentor Ziggler?!  The Heavyweight strap is on Ambrose and until The Shield breaks up, I don’t think he’s loosing it (I think that will be one of the reasons that contribute to the breakup, i.e. Rollins / Reigns costs Ambrose the belt somehow) the IC belt is the only other championship floating around at the moment.  When Big E drops that belt, that’s when you put him with Henry for the World’s Strongest Tag Team.
11. Dolph Ziggler (HM) – The only positive to having repeat matches from the prior night’s PPV (another top 5 thing I’d change) is that when a match doesn’t go the way you want, there’s a chance for a do-over.  Ziggler got a chance to avenge his loss against Fandango.  With a much shorter match, but much better outcome, Ziggler finally won a match.  I’ll keep my fingers crossed that this is the next step towards bigger and better things, and not another gimmick rematch feud like he had with Sandow.  
12. Brodus Clay and Sweet-T (15) – Is there anything that really needs to be said with these two?  Brodus Clay is taking steps toward being a tough heel, which is what he should have been from the start, and Sweet-T will be his first victim.  Few people past the age of nine will shed a tear for the end of Tons of Funk.  The Funkadactyls will be free to roam the land and do whatever it is Funkadactyls do.  Maybe they go back to their pack of Toronto Raptor cheerleaders.  (That was a lazy joke but it’s late and if you really care about the future of the Funkadactyls you should be reevaluating your sports entertainment fandom.)
13. The Wyatt Family (9) – I don’t know what the big deal is, we’ve all gotten stoned and  talked to invisible relatives in old rocking chairs.  All I want to know is what they’re taking so I can get high off the same stuff.  Those Wyatts are some big dudes and if they’re all THAT stoned, I want me some of that.  I hope Bray’s lack of in-ring performing has been due to injury because he’s been great when he’s gotten the chance to wrestle.  Rowan and Harper are fine big men but Bray is really solid.  He was the standout of their TLC match against Bryan, which is something to be said.  Yet again, all they did was put on a simple promo on RAW.  That’s just not good enough after all these months.  I need to see some in-ring action to really rank you near the top.  They might be in limbo if the WWE has switched gears and put Bryan back into the main event scene.  Much like Bryan, we’ll have to see what happens.  Let’s not forget, we also want to see Wyatt vs Shield at WM30 and they’re a good deal away from that match up.  
14. R-Truth and Xavier Woods (HM) – Do I really hate dancing or do I just wanna dance, dance, dance like no one’s watching?  Look, Mr. Woods, I know you’re new to this game but you can’t steal a man’s Funkadactyls and music and not expect repercussions.  We were oh so close to tonight being the night of Woods and Truth, shuckin’ and jivin’.  I also thought that putting Woods in regular clothes would make him look less BaBaBooey-ish and less depressed-70’s-pornstar-ish but alas, nothing can make Woods look any better.  Woods looks even worse in normal clothes.  Now let’s get to R-Truth.  If you’re going to wear a nice suit and tie and clean up, take off that damn do-rag.  We’re days away from it being 2014.  Take that stupid thing off when dressed like an adult.  When you have your wrestling spanks on, you can wear whatever you want.  I hate to sound like David Stern of the early 2000’s but let’s class it up a little. 
15. Fandango w/ Summer Rae (19) – after an unwanted win against Ziggler (unwanted by me, I’m sure Fandango was happy about the win at a PPV), Ziggler and Fandango ran back their match from the night before.  Fortune favors the bold and tonight Ziggler was the bold.  Mr. Fandango, can feel free to enjoy the warm embrace of Summer Rae as he recovers from the loss suffered by the might of Ziggler!
16. Real Americans w/ Zeb (20) – Cannon fodder for what looks to be one of the most devastating teams in the WWE right now.  You’d almost feel sorry for The Americans for the beating they took if they weren’t such losers.  The only team I’d have rather seen get destroyed but the new powerhouse team of Big E / Henry is Los Matadores.  I’m a little surprised that being in Texas, the WWE didn’t have something about The Real Americans protecting the USA from Los Matadores.  How did you not jump all over that racial train wreck?  You’re slippin’ WWE.  I expect less from you… Special shout-out to Cesaro for picking up Big E and giving his version of a German Suplex.  As always, I’ll give credit where credit is due no matter what I feel about the character.  That was much more impressive than the spin move Cesaro’s been exhibiting of late.  Oh, and then there was the Swagger Roar...
    
17. Ryback and Curtis Axel (20) – As predicted, both wrestlers’ stock has fallen since venturing out from under Heyman’s protective wing and feuding with Punk.  As your financial advisor, if you haven’t already sold your Ryb-Axel shares do it now.  Otherwise, hold for the long term and hope for a rebranding that will send either of their stock back up.  Luckily there was a Divas match and I need to give Barrett a kick in the ass, otherwise these two would have been at the bottom again.  Be carefully Ryb-Axel, if the Divas continue to step it up and Barrett actually gets into the ring, they’ll leap over you quite easily.
18. #BadNewsBarrett (N/A) – This is a nice little gimmick and all, but let’s get Barrett into the ring and get him fighting.  He’s certainly on the level of ADR, Ziggler, Sandow, Big E and the other second tier wrestlers.  The best way to win over the crowd is to cut good promos and have good matches.  This odd hashtag / roasting is not going anywhere.  He’s a heel.  Got it.  Get in the ring and fight.  The insanely low rank for this fine wrestler is mainly to give him a kick in the ass.  He's much better than these other bottom dwellers, just go out and prove it and I’ll bump you up, Mr. Barrett.
19. The Divas Match (HM) – Now that the season is over for the Total Divas show, I thought we were done pushing these broads.  What does AJ have to do to finally get the push she’s deserved?  We’ve got a few months until March and the return of Total Divas.  I hope AJ will get a few decent matches in before the WWE has to write to fit into the reality show narrative.  A few Diva notes (which means I’ve been watching too much wrestling) B-cup Bella has been a surprise of late.  She’s been surprisingly aggressive and shown signs of talent.  Bryan must be giving her good tips.  While D-cup Bella is taking on Cena traits which speaks for itself.  AJ was able to get the win.  Fox was semi-impressive as well.  
20. Once again the lack of debt of the WWE roster was on display.  A handful of wrestlers didn’t even make it out.  There is the intriguing Kofi / Miz feud that really took off at the PPV that was barely discussed on RAW.  ADR got no attention.  Ricardo Rodriguez got more face time Monday night as the Spanish announce table was threatened.  Even the Primetime Players didn’t do enough to get a quick mention.  There’s a whole group of guys that could have made it onto this list but there was no time.  Unlike previous weeks when no one “deserved” the 20th slot, this week it was because we got 3 to 4 really good wrestling matches that took up most of the time.  The lack of a 20th character is a compliment to the quality of the three hours of TV. 

Honorable Mentions

HBK  – I so badly want to add HBK to the rankings but I couldn’t.  He was the most Honorable of Honorable Mentions last night.  If The Shield has planted the seeds of a break up, what do you call what HBK is doing with Punk?  Crop dusting us all with magic wishing powder?

Evil Santa-Sandow, his Elf AJ and Tamina to pull his sleigh – I loved this.  This is the closest the WWE will get to a “Bad Santa” skit (in their PG world) and who better than Sandow and AJ to play the role of grinches who can’t stand kids.  Often, I can’t fast forward through the WWE skits but this one was too good to skip through.  I don’t know what this “Battle for Christmas” is going to be next week, but I’m certainly interested.

Chocolate Santa w/ Bella Elfs – Fox News’ Megyn Kelly’s head must be exploding that the WWE’s portraying Santa as being black.  I’m guessing she’ll be cheering for the evil “White Santa” because as she so gracefully and intelligently explain to us that it’s historical fact that Santa and Jesus were both white dudes that were born and raised in the all white part of the world know as the Middle East…  Wouldn’t it be a great idea, if she tried to save face and came out with Henry next week as one of his elves in a sexxxy outfit (she’s got the requisite Fox News legs)?  Look, I’ve got great ideas all the time, just ask me.  Fox News and the WWE can have that one for free.  It is the gift giving season. 

Side Note(s)

Championship Matches – I’ve said it before but it needs to be said again.  There is a plague that’s fallen on the WWE which is “straight up” official matches between a champion and a challenger are ending with the challenger winning cleanly but the title is not changing hands.  This is completely absurd and is the one thing I can NOT chalk up to being “part of the show.”  If you want to make gimmick matches or tag matches that mix up partners or singles matches that separate tag teams or whatever form of variable / stipulation you can think of, I’m cool with anyone winning.  BUT, if there is an official match and the champion looses, the championship should change hands!  “Smokey, this is not ‘Nam.  This is wrestling. There are rules!”  Tonight Goldust and Cody were in an official tag match against Show and Rey.  Show and Rey won with a 1-2-3 pin count.  Show and Rey should be the new Tag Team Champions.  This isn’t about any one particular wrestler or for only wrestlers that I like.  I don’t want to see Show and Rey as champs but they won a sanctioned WWE tag team match.  A few weeks ago there was an IC match which the champ lost and didn’t loose his belt.  This is becoming a trend and I won’t stand for it.  The WWE employs a lot of creative people and has a writing staff that gets paid money to write entertainment.  If you’re a champ and you wrestle in a sanctioned match, your championship is at risk.  That’s part of being a champion and something that Cena got into the past two weeks.  I can’t believe I’m actually siding with Cena on a topic but there you go.  Are you happy now WWE?  I’m agreeing with Cena that a champion should defend against all comers.  As Ric Flair would say, “To be the man, you’ve got to beat the man.  Whooooooooo!”  If you beat the man, you become the man.  Plain and simple.  Get your act together, WWE.  Have some pride.

Until next week…

WWE Power Rankings, RAW 12/09/2013

Coming at you from Seattle, tonight we celebrate the Slammys!  In yet another mutated creature from the Island of Dr. McMahon, the Slammys are the WWE’s answer to all other pop culture and sports award shows that celebrate themselves.  I’m a sucker for a good awards show and as much as I love the Academy Awards, Emmys, Golden Globes and even the Grammys and MTV Music Awards (I’m old now.  Music has been dead since 1998), the Slammys are a kin to the ESPY Awards or the MTV Movie awards.  They just as made-up and fake as the product themselves.  That’s not to say the Slammys couldn’t be great.  There are a lot of great things that happen in wrestling over the years and to award / rank them is fun.  What the hell do you think you’re reading right now?  The problem is, once again, there are too many PPVs and instead of the Slammys being on a night by themselves, they’re being wedged in along with a “go home show” before a PPV this sunday.  Here’s a great solution; put the Slammy Awards on the odd Saturday night that NBC shows wrestling instead of a repeat of SNL during the winter.  It’s a great way to repackage the highlights of the year for a mainstream audience and would be shown in the only “young / hip” time slot on Saturday night.  This wouldn’t cost the WWE anything and let’s the WWE do what the WWE does best, make great video packages.  If you insisted on having the wrestlers be there, you could still sell out an area, have the crew dress up and give out the awards.  You’re telling me the wrestlers would complain about a show where they didn’t have to throw themselves around a ring and just see cool montages of the year?  It’s not like NBC has anything better to put on.  Have you seen Dracula?  It’s fucking horrifying…horrifyingly awful.  The dude is from Europe, in England, puts on an American accent, to pretend he’s an American industrialist at the same time fighting some underground Illuminati, all while he could get any woman he wants but is obsessed with his friend’s fiancé because she looks like his dead wife and I think Van Helsing is gay?  It’s a train wreck.  Don’t get me started.  And that’s NBC’s most hyped show.  No, NBC isn’t saying no to this idea.  Lastly, the fans would love it.  I couldn’t tell you how excited I got (hell, I still get) when WWE was on Saturday night!  Wrestling allowed me to stay up late and was on one of the four “real” networks!  Say no more, I’ve got my PJ’s on and I’m curled up in my dinosaur blanket.  But no, we get a clusterfuck of an awards show smashed in with the show that’s supposed to set things up for the TLC PPV.  This should be good :/  (sarcastically typing - side note - Please, for the love of baby Jesus, someone tell me what the universe has decided to use for sarcastic text?  Can’t the internet come together and say, “This is the proper nomenclature on how to sarcastically write text?”)  What I’m trying to say is, the Slammys could be great (unless you’re a member of the Hart family, which then you don’t ever want to win one and god forbid two).  I’m excited.  I’m oddly excited for TLC as well.  All signs should be pointing towards a good show.  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 12/09/2013…

1. Daniel Bryan (7) – Talk about owning a show.  The show opener, and Washington native, Superstar Daniel Bryan sure as hell looked like a face of the franchise to me.  You knew he was going to be a hometown favorite but not even the top brass could have expected the ovation Bryan got at the end of the show.  He forced HHH, Cena and RKO to improv lines to work the crowd reaction into the already great ending.  (Example #1 of why these are the best performers in the world.  They have to be physical freaks, know their character’s lines / scripted goals and be able to adjust on the fly according to the fan reactions.)  Whether he was winning Slammys, getting the crowd riled up, facing off with HBK or working a solid match with Fandango; Byran killed it.  Seattle was a great crowd and Bryan had him in the palm of his hand.  Congrats on a magical night.
2. John Cena (5) – The mere fact that the WWE acknowledges and is pushing the “Let’s go Cena / Cena Sucks” chant should tell you all you need to know about “heat”.  Just like there’s no such thing as bad publicity, there’s no such thing as bad heat.  I live in a house divided.  My girlfriend is an unabashed Cena lover while I’m part of the smart fans who boo him.  Tonight our roles were switch.  She pointed out that Cena’s speech was stupid because Cena gets the same pushes at RKO gets and neither of them have ever worked as hard to get (and hold) their top spots like Bryan did.  This is my girlfriend’s words.  I thought maybe she’s finally coming around, but after her rant she still proclaimed her love for him.  I, on the other hand, usually give him a hard time but tonight applauded his show ending speech.  I agree with the Super Cena nonsense, hello!  Two weeks back from the IR and you’ve got the World strap on.  I don’t care what the end storyline is, you’re still prop’d up as the true “face of the WWE.”  Regardless, he gave a super speech about giving chances to deserving wrestlers.  I can’t knock a guy who points out Ziggler, Punk and Bryan (whom he has wrestled, and from what I understand, campaigned for in the back) all deserve championship chances  / pushes.  Cena won the night.  Having said all that, this picture is all you need to know about who cheers for Cena…   
   
3. The Shield (1) – The seeds have been sowed for the split.  It seems the breakup will be based on a Ambrose / Reigns fracture and Rollins will play the peacekeeper.  Who knows for sure?  It’s just the start and by next week we’ll all “Believe in The Shield” again, or at least until after WM and the proposed Shield / Wyatt feud.  The point is, The Shield will break up at some point.   As much as I knew this day would come, to see The Shield start to splinter makes me sad.  The Hounds of Justice have been great.  Such is life and everything must move forward.  
4. CM Punk (3) – Clearly, this is 3-on-1 match between Punk and The Shield is not the fight we want to see, but I’ll take a 1-on-1 match with Punk vs any member of The Shield everyday of the week and twice on Sunday.  It seems as though Punk has found that spark again.  He played second fiddle to Heyman in their feud, probably because it was he who had to carry Ryback and Axel while Heyman was free to just do the shoots.  Punk is still in limbo but I expect a good match at TLC and hopefully we’ll get a clearer picture of his WM plans by the time the Royal Rumble comes around.  Hell, maybe he’s put on the short list of possible winners of the Rumble match?  Something has lit his fire and that’s all that matter.  Also, this picture at the finale was great.  I could devote a whole post to breaking down this picture.
   
5. The Rhodes Boys / Rey Mysterio / Big Show (2) – It’s funny how the world works.  Big Show and Mysterio sit on opposite ends of the scales but they both have the same problems and solutions.  They’re both extremely hard to put into long feuds and in-ring they’re best served in small doses.  Letting Goldust and Cody do the heavy lifting was smart.  Not only is Goldust the Comeback Player of the Year but Cody might be the breakout star.  Goldust and Cody need to drop the tag belts soon so they can get into their presumed feud at WM (unless the feud leaves the belts abdicated which then you could have an awesome tournament for the straps) and to give the other tag teams a lift.  Also, we got a great new angle to when a tag is about to get made.  It only took 50 years to get this shot.
   
6. HHH and Stephanie (8) – To give herself the Insult of the Year award was a little self indulgent especially since Stephanie didn’t deserve it for any one particular insult.  I’m fine with HHH and Stephanie giving themselves any award they want because in reality, they’re the MVP’s of the WWE.  As I’ve said many of times, they’re “The straw that stirs the drink.”  It took 2:54 to finally get both HHH and Stephanie in the ring but as usual it was worth the wait.  Remind you, they’re part of the team that is orchestrating all this behind the scenes.  To give us a top 5-of-the-year show ending, that deserves big props.  They had an all star collection in the ring for the finale which included Bret Hart and HBK standing side by side for 10 minutes, which was probably 4th on the list of insane things that happened at the end of this show.
   
7. Randy Orton (4) – RKO needs a timeout for his behavior problems.  At least that’s what Cena made it seem like.  RKO wasn’t at his best but there was a ton going on.  I’m not here to make excuses for a man who can take care of himself.  I will say again, the pot is calling the kettle black when Cena accuses RKO of “favoritism.”  I hope RKO wins the TLC match.  He’s more than capable of putting on a stellar match and lifting Cena’s performance as well.  It’s a monumental task asking for anyone to beat Cena as the new unified Champion.  If anyone can do it, it is RKO.  I’ll keep my fingers crossed.
8. The Usos (N/A) – They should win most underrated in-ring performers.  They never say anything.  They’re never feuding with anyone.  They have absolutely no storyline.  They only bring down the house every match they have.  It’s amazing.  Watching one of the Usos on Total Divas allows me to see that he’s capable of putting words together.  Why they’re not asked to do more or the writers haven’t found something to do with them is a shame and the only thing holding them back.  Otherwise, I’m always excited to see them wrestle and I can’t remember the last time they disappointed.  
9. The Wyatt Family (6) – Finally, in his own weird way, Bray Wyatt gave a great promo.  This feud with Bryan is either going to be a horrible story or it’s going to be awesome.  Hopefully Sunday will tell us what’s happening with The Wyatts and Bryan.  Like Punk / Shield, no one is looking forward to a 3-on-1 match with Bryan / Wyatts but this one has more of a story and potential set up for the future.  With the true Superstar pop Bryan got on RAW, who knows what the WWE will end up doing with Bryan and The Wyatts.  If Bray is healthy and can fight, a match between him and Bryan could be great.  Otherwise I can’t seem to wrap my brain around Bryan “becoming” a Wyatt and what that’s supposed to do for either of them.  If you wanted to just put on a pound for pound 6-man tag with The Wyatt Family vs Bryan and The Usos, I could go for that.  The Usos brought out the best in Harper and Rowan, which ended with a devastating clothesline by Harper for the win.
10. Bret Hart and The Match of the Year (N/A) – The only award to make it on the Power Ranking.  This is the only award that really mattered.  CM PUNK / Undertaker, Rhodes vs Shield, Lesnar / HHH vs Rock vs Cena?  You had to know that Super Cena and Punk would win this award but like so many, the fans (which I don’t believe actually decided the outcomes) voted the wrong match.  Out of these choices, I’d have to go with The Rhodes Family vs The Shield with CM Punk / Undertaker a close second.  The stakes were high, the bit was set up perfectly, they incorporated a living legend, it brought back a rejuvenated Goldust, lifted Cody’s profile and proved again that I “Believe in The Shield.”  It was a great feud, fight and result.  Even Bret seemed to know this was a bullshit win because he bolted the stage as soon as he read the winner.  Props to Bret for walking out on that bogus win.  The Epic Fail of the night was to have Bret Hart and HBK in the same ring and NOT have them do something together was a huge missed opportunity.   
11. Damien Sandow (9) – Sandow is a solid challenger for Big E.  I expect a good match at the PPV and am interested in seeing how Sandow is used afterwards.  I don’t expect Sandow to win the IC belt because of the push Big E is getting but assuming he puts on a good showing, what’s next for Sandow? 
12. Big E Langston (11) – I can see why WWE brass likes him.  Big E fits the WWE mold, is solid on the mic and can put on a good match.  He’s not transcendent but you can see why the WWE wants to push him.  Let’s not forget how green he is.  It’s barely been a year since he’s been on the roster full time and only a few months (if that) since he’s gotten this push.  I fully expect Big E to beat Sandow and retain the IC belt at TLC.  With a good showing, I’ll be excited to see who he defends the IC best against next.  I’d love to see Big E prove himself against Sandow and then get into a student / master feud with Ziggler.  (Maybe not the best choice of words as one is a small white dude and the other is a hulking black guy but you get my point.  Think Star Wars, not early American colonialism through 1865.)
13. Kofi Kingston (14) – JBL was right, “This is the Kofi I like.”  Angry Kofi is the best Kofi.  If this is a preview of the PPV, Kofi and Miz could steal the show.  With an opponent that can pull his weight in a match, Kofi and Miz are is a match that people don’t want to be sleeping on.  One of the reasons I’m overly pumped for this PPV.  
14. The Miz (14) – In a short but sweet match, Miz pulls out the win.  Even though he finished the match being laid out, it was a good, quick match.  The RAW finale reminded us that Miz is a former WWE champ.  During the transition from Attitude to Reality eras, The Miz was the hot wrestler.  He’s a much better heel than face.  Miz is also the type of heel that will allow Kofi to have a mean streak and the crowd will go with it.  The Miz can be that super arrogant asshole that warrants the face to be aggressive as well.  It seems that The Miz is to a character that he does well and the crowd enjoys to hate.
15. Brodus Clay w/ Sweet T and the Funkadactyls (18) – I’m looking forward to Clay breaking out of the kid friendly mode and wreck shop.  That’s what he was supposed to come into the WWE universe as.  Not this dancing dinosaur.  As stupid as this “rumpus over the funkus” is, if that’s what Clay needs to unleash the beast, then let’s do it.
16. AJ Lee (HM) – Once again, shafted by the Bellas for the Diva of the Year.  It wasn’t as big of a shafting as her loss for Insult of the Year was.  AJ gave one of the best shoots of the year.  Not just for the Divas division but for the entire roster.  AJ gave her version of Punk’s pipe bomb shoot.  Unfortunately, the WWE is more concerned about the Total Divas show than the success of the Divas champ.
17. Alberto Del Rio (15) – One of the greatest shoot promos of all time!  I’m just messing with ya’ll, how the hell would I know, I don’t speak Mexican.  I’m just assuming.  ADR was World champ just a few months ago and now he’s fighting fake Sin Cara?  How the might have fallen.  If it’s any consolation, he and Sin Cara could put on a good match which may lead to the next step.  I still think it would be interesting, after all of ADR’s bluster, if ADR and Zeb teamed up to send all the “illegals” back to where they came from, it could be an interesting concept.  I have no faith that it will happen or if it did, would be handled correctly.
18. SAN-TIN-OOOOOOOOO (N/A) – You can tell the dumbest stuff happens on Smackdown.  Smackdown had the “taming of Santino’s cobra” which was absolutely preposterous, but I’ll admit I loved it.  I love anything Santino does.  No matter what he’s asked to do, he does it and with 100% effort.  I don’t care if Santino falls ass-backwards into being the champion for two-seconds.  It will be the best two-seconds of my life.  One day Santino, one day.
19. Fan-dan-go (N/A) – Someone had to come out and job to the hometown hero, Bryan.  Fandango and Summer Rae got to put on their classiest dress shoes and tear it up.  Fandango’s gimmick is on the boarder of being done or ready for full acceptance from the crowd, not just the marks who are metta-cheering Fandango.  Either way, the boy can wrestle.  I may hate the gimmick but I’ll give the wrestler his due.
20. Ryback / Curtis Axel / Real Americans w/ Zeb (N/A) – Zeb somehow was nominated in almost every Slammy category but won nothing.  I won’t be shedding a tear for poor old Zeb.  Out of this conglomerate of mediocrity, Zeb is the only character that gets me worked up in any way.  As far as the wrestling goes, Cesaro is the real deal and the only one of the four who deserves to get any kind of push.  The finale reminded us that Swagger was once a “Champion” which points out the need to consolidate the belts.  Ryb-Axel dumping Heyman was not a good move when neither has any personality.  If I was booking the show, I’d break up Cesaro and Swagger.  Then flip Zeb and Swagger into a three man group (which the WWE seems fond of these days) with Zeb as the mouthpiece.  WWE can roll the dice with Cesaro to see if they can turn him into a contender and the “reloaded” Real Americans will save the plummeting Ryb-Axel.  

Honorable Mentions

Total Divas – I HATE HATE HATE HATE the Total Divas reality show.  (looking from side to side to see if anyone is watching me) I liked last night’s episode.  The death of Gizmo the Cat sucked because it was real and most of the situations on the show last night seemed to be actual reality.  The WWE is already “reality TV” so you don’t need the added fake reality on top of that.  Do a straight up documentary on what goes on behind the scenes of the wrestlers and THAT would be a great reality show.

Jerry “The King” Lawler and Booker T – Our hosts for the Slammy Awards.  If you asked me to choose between The King & Booker T vs Franco & Hathaway, I gotta say that The King & Booker would be a better choice to host the Oscars.  

Mark Henry – The biggest upset of the night was that Henry didn’t win the Biggest Double-cross of the Year!  This is truly an outrage.  I don’t know one person that wasn’t fooled by Henry’s fake retirement.  Not only did he play it perfectly but also gave Cena one hell of an ass whooping.  Shaving his head and becoming the “Ricky Rosé” Henry has been great too.  I couldn’t justify putting him on the Rankings because he lost the Slammy and didn’t wrestle but he was there as a former champion (again, I didn’t remember that he was a champ) and had fun with Bryan at the finale.  A solid performance and I hope they insert him in a good feud soon.

Vickie Guerrero – I don’t know that she deserves more than a Honorable Mention but she definitely deserves to be a part of the LOL moment of the year.  She had HHH breaking character and was the butt of The Rock’s joke, along with the million of other solid stunts she pulls throughout the year.  She’s a solid performer and always brings her “A” game.  

Shawn “HBK” Michaels – It’s so strange, usually HBK is so understated and humble. (Where is my sarcasm text?!)  HBK stepped up his…well…HBK-ness to a new level.  Winning the double-cross of the year was bullshit but predictable.  Trying to re-name the award after himself and with such lame pop culture attempt from 10 years ago was just so, so, so… HBK.  By the way, I can see HHH doing it someday.

Xavier Woods w/ R-Truth – What more can I say that I didn’t touch on with Brodus Clay.  If Woods is what gives us a badass Clay, I’ll deal with it.  At least Woods has a lot of promise in-ring.  Also, a little R-Truth each show isn’t a bad thing.

Dolph Ziggler – Not on the show except as a set piece for the finale.  He’ll be in the PPV pre-show which has featured some good matches and important players.  Hopefully the days of Ziggler being buried are done?  We can hope.

Russell Wilson – Great MVP chant during the Sin Cara / ADR match.  Well deserved, but he has no chance vs Peyton Manning’s Super Cena status.

Side Note(s) –

I’m glad we wasted precious time, once again, explaining how to download the WWE app.  The key isn’t “how to” download the app, clearly nine million people have figured that out, it’s to make the app work!  Unlike Michael Cole, I won’t waste any more of your time or a power point presentation explaining this.

I’m a fan of Nelson Mandela but at the 1:16 mark to just throw an “in the memory of” seemed weird.  Out of all the people to get a clips package, the WWE couldn’t tastefully explain Mandela to generations of kids that have no idea who he is and his importance in the world?  Oh, I forgot the WWE doesn’t do subtlety well.  If there ever was a time to go overboard on someone, I could live with it being for Nelson Mandela.  At least the WWE’s heart was in the right place.  

Until next week…

WWE Power Rankings, RAW 12-02-2013 - NBA Edition!

Coming at you from Oklahoma City, and my god, could I use some wrestling action.  Between the holidays and family, it feels like monday night would never get here.  I’m so full on leftovers, pizza (because I was so sick of leftovers, I stuffed myself for three days with something non-Thanksgiving related), spending hours with family, listening to how Obamacare and Iran are going to be the end of the world from the conservative side of my family, getting high and drunk with the liberal side of my family, trying to explain what a “wrestling Power Ranking” is, realizing that after just two (or maybe six or seven) drinks that I’m old because I slipped off the bottom step and damn near killed myself at my parent’s house, being annoyed because the bill collector’s autodialers don’t care that it’s a holiday weekend so they keep calling at 8 AM on Friday and Saturday morning AND watching so much football (college and pro) that I feel I could be a Head Coach.  Speaking of football, remember how I mentioned that I may have had a bit of a gambling “issue”?  Well, this weekend I’m glad I don’t gamble because with all the back-door covers, thrilling upsets (Iron Bowl anyone?) and unexpected results; your boy The Bear would have been in the hospital next to John Fox and Gary Kubiak with an exploded heart and blood trickling out of my ears from a hemorrhaging brain aneurism.  We’re not even going to talk about the basketball that snuck onto the TV every so often.  I’m all sports out.  What I need is some nice calm wrestling story telling.  An entertainment medium were 10% of their performers had been dying on an annual basis until recently, when they realized that unchecked steroid / drug use and chair-shots to the head might not be the best work environment.  Oh, did I mention it’s getting cold!  Sure, I live in Los Angeles but it got into the high 50’s twice this weekend.  Twice!  With the wind factor, god, I don’t even want to think about it.  All this said, I’ve cozied myself up and I’m ready for some hot man-on-man wrestling action to warm me up!  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 12/02/2013…

From time to time I like to switch things up a little.  Hell, there’s 52 of these a year and let’s face it, they’re not all winners.  This was an average episode of RAW, nothing great but nothing horrible.  For the sake of having fun, let’s make this the 2013 early-season NBA themed Power Rankings.  What does that mean?  Well, I guess you’ll just have to read to find out… 

1. The Shield (1) – The Spurs.  Even though The Shield are just over a year old, they’re the best team.  Their consistency, they know their roles and always give a great performance is exactly why they’re the Spurs of the WWE.  They’re simply dominant and all the haters have run out of excuses.  Enjoy them while they last.  They even cut good promos from a broom closet.  If next week, they were put in a toilet stall to cut a promo; I’d put the betting line at -125 that they still do a great job.  The Hounds of Justice, and Punk for that matter, are being oddly wasted in this handicap match at TLC?  Believe in The Shield, isn’t just a tag line, it is fact.  Their actual match was against Goldust / Cody / Big Show was a highlight of the night.  If anything proves their greatness, it’s that Ambrose and Rollins made Big Show look good. 
2. Goldust and Cody Rhodes (3) – The Pacers.  A home grown team, not bought and put together as a supergroup (as with the Heat and Shield) and after a few years of down time, trying to figure things out and form an identity, they have put it all together and are both having a great year.  Unfortunately The Rhodes boys were saddled with The Big Show.  If the WWE is so intent of having handicap matches, why couldn’t we have just had a Goldust / Cody vs Shield match?  That would have been a fine match.  Who’s having a better time than these two?
   
3. CM Punk (5) – Kobe Bryant.  Punk can carry a show and be the beginning, middle and end.  He can also be the most arrogant performer and turn it on when he wants to.  He can also come into the ring, looking like he just rolled out of bed and steal the show.  He’s the villain you love.  If you’re a fan, he can do no wrong but if you aren’t a fan you wonder what is wrong with all the people who love him so unconditionally.  The show opener, a little off his game tonight but probably because his storyline doesn’t make any sense right now.  Did I miss something or is everyone else just as confused on this Punk vs Shield feud?  I’m down for an Ambrose vs Punk TLC match.  Hell, I’m down for any of the Shield vs Punk in a TLC match but what’s the point of the 3-on-1 PPV TLC match?  He’s not winning that alone.  This has to be going somewhere, right?  The stress of this impending match must be the reason for his horrible haircut.  I know he’s a rebel, but do you have to be a rebel against a nice haircut?  Keep in high and tight or let it grow out.  Don’t look like a chick on suicide risk who cut her own hair.    
4. Randy Orton (2) – Kevin Durant.  It’s fitting they’re in OKC because RKO is the Kevin Durant of the WWE.  The only difference is that Durant is a baby face and RKO is a classic heel.  Other than that, he’s second to Cena like Durant is second to LeBron James.  Hardcore hoop fans will side with Durant just as mark wrestling fans want RKO to beat Cena.  Cena and James are just too powerful.  On RAW, for RKO to say he’s, “More famous and well known than the WWE and Cena?”  Why don’t you just hand over the WWE belt now and not waste time at the PPV.
5. John Cena (4) – LeBron James.  Is there any doubt that Cena is the LeBron James of the WWE?  Each are polarizing.  The crowd boos and cheers but they’re the faces of the NBA / WWE.  Skill-wise, LeBron the best player since MJ (sorry Kobe, I love ya but if I’m playing pick-up ball, I’m playing with LeBron because I want to shoot too).  You gotta admit, his shout outs to the history of both championships were nice.  No matter what any “smart” wrestling fans has to say or how much we’d like Cena to turn heel, HE IS THE FACE OF THE WWE.  He’ll win 90% of the time and he’s too important as a face and THE face to turn heel.  So deal with it.  The same as Lebron is the best player in the NBA.  Facts are facts.  While we’re talking facts, I had to laugh at Cena’s declaration that he’s never been given anything and “worked” for his World Championship belt.  Let’s see how ADR feels about how hard you worked your way up the ranks to get a title shot at his World Championship just minutes after returning from injury.  I’m sure we’ll get a little different opinion from ADR.
6. The Wyatt Family (6) – The Clippers.  You’re going to tell me that CP3 isn’t a maniacal leader like Bray Wyatt and Griffin / Jordan aren’t his giant flunkies that he has to control to make everything work?  Watch a few Lob City games and get back to me.  WWE is really dropping the ball with these Wyatt abductions, Kane / Bryan.  What could be a good storytelling tool ends up being nothing.  Like I said last week, they’re the Lost of the WWE.  Story lines that go nowhere.  Another good promo by Bray but is it going to lead up to something or just peter out?  I can already hear you guys saying, “Bray is just crazy”…cray like a fox!  If you don’t understand this lunatic, that’s your bad.  If you’ve done as much drugs as I have in the past, he make perfect sense.
7. Daniel Bryan (7) – Kyrie Irving.  They’ve both young, driven, extremely talented and seemingly beloved by their piers and the crowd.  They’re also both stuck in bad situations.  Ain’t no one winning a championship in Cleveland and Bryan is stuck in the oddest plot line.  Bryan is back from being left in an abandoned parking lot.  All I could think about is Bryan as Mark Wahlberg trying to jerk off in a parking lot in front of the Wyatts and then being beaten and left like in the end of Boogie Nights.  JBL was either laying the rumored tracks of Bryan become a Wyatt, which I’m totally against, or just playing with the internet rumor mill.  Just because you have a beard, does not a Wyatt make.  Bryan in a handicap 3-on-1 match vs The Wyatt Family at TLC?  It makes even less sense than the Punk / Shield match.  Again, they’re oddly similar which tells me something is up with both stories.
8. HHH and Stephanie (9) – David Stern and Adam Silver, do I really need to explain myself.  The most smug and arrogant of all the sports franchises, BUT also the best.  It’s going to be a sad day when Stern retires later this year but he’s done it all.  He turned the NBA from a drug addled league that couldn’t get live TV coverage for the Finals which white families were scared of into the most recognizable and fastest growing sport in the world.  HHH and Stephanie weren’t left with a mess when they started to take over creative control but like everything in the 2000’s, it was just boring derivative crap.  Safe, uninspired, didn’t want to offend anyone and didn’t want to take risks to push the envelope which makes everything generic and boring.  Didn’t even want to embrace the past because there were a few moments you’d like not to admit to (i.e. Chris Benoit) but by doing so the WWE wasn’t capitalizing on the 50 years of nostalgia and great moments that make wrestling the greatest show on earth.  HHH and Stephanie started to embrace the past icon (Bruno Sammartino), mend / strengthen alliances (Rock, Stone Cold, Hogan, Flair, etc.), let young talent show off their abilities and characters (Punk, Bryan, Wyatts, etc.) and brought back the importance of Championship belts which were being passed around like hot-potatoes and the tag team division.  This week, the dynamic duo who run the show involved themselves in something other than just the WWE championship.  They dabbled in the Punk storyline, which assures me there’s something more going on there (I hope).  By the end of the night they were back to setting up the main event and title unification at TLC.  Again, to rank them is hard.  Not because they don’t do anything but we only see a glimpse of what they do.  What we do see is always great but nothing stands out.  Although, HHH listing all the former great title holders and then to have Stephanie make sure everyone knew that HHH was also among the holders of each belt was cute. 
9. Damien Sandow (11) – Klay Thompson.  Not the best Splash Bros. but the one who is getting the push for some reason.  I’m a fan of Sandow and of Klay Thompson, they’re both great, but if you’re going to put them side-by-side with Ziggler and Curry, I can’t ride with you.  The last two weeks on RAW, we were supposed accept that Sandow and Ziggler were in some sort of competition of stupid matches for god knows what reason.  This week, magically we’re told it was to be the #1 contender for the IC strap and will face Big E for the title.  Which doesn’t make sense because Big E only won the IC belt after Sandow and Ziggler started this stupid competition.  Nice job, WWE creative team (he say’s sarcastically).  We’re to forget about the gimmick match nonsense that Sandow and Ziggler were forced to in-dour?  Regardless, Sandow won and will face Big E for the IC belt.  A month ago this would have been a downgrade from MitB ticket for the World belt to having to face Axel for the IC belt.  But now Big E is a solid IC champ and the prestige of the IC belt has been raised, “The times are a changing.”  
10. Dolph Ziggler (10) – Stephen Curry.  Just as when you read on twitter, “Steph is heating up!” you’ll run to a TV to find the GSW game, is the same as when I hear Ziggler is going up against anyone.  No matter how stupid the gimmick for the match is or how lame the opponent is, Ziggler is going to give you a solid match at the very least.  As usual, Ziggler and Sandow put on a good match but Ziggler got the short end of the stick.  This was a surprise because it would have been interesting to see former running mates in Ziggler / Big E fight for the IC strap.  Even Big E expressed as much with his ringside commentary.  My gut tells me we haven’t seen the end of this Big E / Sandow / Ziggler storyline.  Wait, did I actually see an entire Smackdown commercial promoting Ziggler?  He might be down but this is a good sign.  I hope, right?  Please?
11. Big E Langston (8) – Kenneth Faried.  Young, enthusiastic, has a motor that doesn’t stop (which makes up for some inexperience), charismatic, a crowd favorite and could be a solid role player for the next five years; am I talking about the Man-imal or Big E?  If you would have told me a few months ago, when Curtis Axel was the IC champ, that the IC belt would be the most hotly contested championship and the belt that I was most interested in and had a then “sidekick” Big E Langston as champion, my mind would have been blown.  Big E has been good on mic and in-ring.  If they really are going to unify the WWE and World belts, the IC and Heavyweight belts stature should increase.  At first it might seem as a demotion to the second tier guys who were chasing the World belt, now they’re firmly and realistically in the mix for the Heavyweight and IC belts. 
12. Mark “Mayback Music” Henry (8) – “Boogie” Cousins.  For a few years Boogie was trapped in Sacramento / Maloof hell but now that he’s gotten a chance to mature and find his way Boogie is turning into the All Star leader everyone thought he could become.  Same with Mark Henry.  When he was impregnating Mae Young and getting buried by bad gimmicks you thought he was a waste of talent.  This past year, Henry has started to come into his own.  He had one of the greatest fake retirements I’ve ever seen.  He’s come back and he’s been dominant.  The WWE uses him perfectly with short matches and tells him to go out, be scary and destroy people.  Both Boogie and Henry have found their footholds in their respective sports.  
13. Wade Barrett (N/A) – Andrew Bynum.  As a Laker fan, I’ve seen the best and worst of Bynum.  If healthy and motivated, he can be the best center in the NBA.  Ask the 76-er’s fans and he’s a lazy thief who had more bad haircuts than games played.  Is he a villain or does he have the potential to be awesome?  Barrett can be both, which in wrestling is good.  Back from visa / passport hell.  If his absence doesn’t scream immigration reform, I don’t know what does?!?!  He’s been dogged by injury (over a year ago his arm snapped like a twig on RAW, yeah this is all fake, right?) and stuck in customs like Tom Hanks in The Terminal, so you forget that before the likes of Bryan, Punk, Ziggler, Sandow, ADR, etc. that Barrett was on tract to becoming a major contender.  It’s nice to have him back.  William Regal 2.0, which means a presumably sober, younger, more athletic version of Regal, Barrett has a strong future.   I don’t know about this #BadNewsBarrett gimmick but let’s pop the cork and let it breath.
14. Kofi Kingston and The Miz (13/14) – The Knicks, specifically Carmello and Amare.  If defunction is what you’re going for, here you go.  Both players are talented, one is near the peak of his powers and the other used to be and is consistently trying to come back.  They just can’t work together.  We’ve seen it enough to know it just isn’t going to work.  The WWE has to commit to this feud.  Just as fast as Miz turned on Kofi, they seemingly got back together just to turn on each other again.  It’s not going to work.  Turn Miz heel and let him and Kofi put on a few solid matches that gets resolved at TLC (which a TLC match between Kofi and Miz should be good).
15. Alberto Del Rio (15) – Zach “Z-Bo” Randolph.  It took Z-Bo a few years, bouncing from team to team, for him to finally figure out his role.  We’re at about the same point in Z-bo’s career as when he was on the Clippers for the second time.  We’re just one or two tweaks to ADR’s character and he’ll be a superstar.  The WWE doesn’t know what to do with ADR but they’re trying.  He had the title and was on the verge of some great feuds with the second tier guys.  That was until Cena came back and they decided to unify the title.  They realize he’s a top tier talent because he’s getting pushes.  In the oddest promo, he talks about sending Sin Cara back to Mexico and being a boarder hopper.  (I hate to see brown on brown crime.)  Unless ADR is trading in Ricardo Rodriguez for Zeb Colter to make the most unholiest of unions, which if I step back could (I carefully say “could”) be interesting.  Then he goes and losses to Sin Cara, maybe like the legend of the phoenix, he needs to fall to be able to rise from the ashes?
16. R-Truth and Xavier Woods (16) – Ricky Rubio and Kevin Love.  They have no history and nothing points to them being able to stay healthy together but when they are together they can be fun to watch.  As predicted, you can’t steal another man’s gimmick, no matter how lame it is, or how desperately lame yours is that you need the Funkasaurus gimmick as an upgrade.  Woods has talent and got the win.  The countdown for when someone from the WWE refers to Woods and R-Truth as “schuckin’ and jivin’” has begun.  The sweet smell of racism, you can almost taste it.
17. The Big Show (17) – Dwight Howard.  On paper he looks good but when you watch him, he’s boring, he’s not as athletic as he used to be and it’s clear he’ll never be the superstar he should be.  Big Show somehow snuck his way into being the 6th wheel in on a Rhodes vs Shield match.  Talk about lucky bookings.  Let me get this straight.  Other than the choke slam, Big Show’s two main moves are a punch and a chest slap.  Thrilling.  Dwight Howard can pull down all the rebounds he wants but if he can’t create his own points, has no post moves, plays horrible help defense and can’t hit free throws; you’re never winning the championship with as one of your top three players.
18. Tons of Fun aka Brodus Clay and Sweet T (N/A) – The Raptors, specifically DeMar DeRozan and Rudy Gay.  I didn’t set out to put the two dinosaur teams together but the world works in mysterious ways.  Did you know, today, with a loosing record of 6-10 the Raptors are in first place in the Atlantic Division?  Clay and T are one of the most gimmicky tag teams but have the skills to beat just about anyone.  DeRozan and Gay shouldn’t be working well together but they’ve dragged their team into first place.  I don’t care how they’ve done it, the fact is that they’ve done it.  Clay and T have the big bodies that the WWE usually uses in their top tiers.  Unfortunately they’re tied to a well merchandised gimmick.  In a battle for the Funkadactyls and theme music, for the slightest of moments, I thought we were getting the badass Brodus Clay that was teased when he was first brought up to the WWE.  It’s hard to take someone like Clay as a serious monster when dressed like a clown.  Clay’s size and skill is something that the WWE could easily push as a championship contender, any championship.  I understand the business end and I’m sure he sells a lot of merch to the kids but a T-rex is a scary monster that kids love too.  There’s got to be a way of pushing Clay while keeping his sales up.  If that means a feud with Tensi / Sweet T, I’m all for it.   Maybe I’m being too hypocritical, I now know what I want for Xmas this year, this Funkasaurus coat / warm up.
    
    
    
    
    
19. Sin Cara (N/A) – John Wall / Derrick Rose perpetually injured superstar.  He was another wrestler with a ton of hype but has yet to gain a foothold in the WWE universe.  He’s got all the talent but can’t stay healthy. The few times I’ve seen Sin Cara, I’ve thought he’s been outstanding int he ring but every time you turn around he’s hurt.  I need a larger sample size.  I’m a little shocked he got the win but you have to start somewhere.
20. WWE live audience – Wrestling is so great and one of the best reasons is the interaction between performer and fan.  Let’s just say, this is the fan of the week!
    

Honorable Mentions

Prime Time Players – At least both of them have now been seen.  Unfortunately it was on Smackdown and I missed what looked to be a great bit.  Can we put an end to the Cesaro spin now that Titus O’Neil threw up all over Zeb and JBL / Cole?  

The WWE / World Champion – Do we really want the WWE fans to decided what to call the unified champion?  Worse, do we want only the 10 people who can work the WWE app to name the championship?  If the public were left up to the public to name the championship for all things we wouldn’t have the Stanley Cup or the Lombardi Trophy.  Don’t leave something as important up to the internet voting public.  That’s how we get things like “The Unified Champion” which is awful.  Unified champion of what?  The audience are idiots.  Have some balls WWE and rename the championship something respectable.   

Korporate Kane – Director of Operations.  Finally given something to do.  Who knew, that after 20 years of saying nothing, or being the straight-man on a tag team duo (i.e. the great Kane / Goldust / Booker T collaborations or team Hell NO), Kane actually had something to say.  In doing a little research, I came across this little ditty.  Who knew Kane was just some libertarian dude who reads the paper in the morning and checks his stock portfolio.  I know I these guys are actors for the most part and surly Kane isn’t the fire born hell spawn, but when you realized we all put our spandex costume on one leg at a time instead of being unearthed from a fiery pit, it make my soul a little colder.  Although I’ve always thought a CNBC show staring wrestlers like Kane and JBL, in full in-ring attire, should host a stock and investment show.

Total Divas vs AJ and the mudskippers – For all the things I hate about the Total Divas show, the oddest thing is that I assume the WWE has complete control of the show but the show doesn’t put Cena in the best light?  Nothing he does is horrible but it shows Cena as a real man who’s been through a bad divorce and isn’t perfect in how he deals with his personal life.  It’s actually the most real thing on the show.  I would have expected the WWE to make sure “The Face of the WWE” was always shown in the best light possible.  This vapid show’s ultimate goal is to promote the WWE (it’s not like if Total Divas takes off, RAW and Smackdown will cancel and the WWE will become the next Bravo and focus its effort on the real housewives of wrestling).  Oh, should I have been paying attention to this match?  Sorry, I think someone won.  AJ kept skipping.  The next thing I know, I’m fast forwarding through the Miz’s TV movie commercial.  

Jim Ross – Usually an Oklahoma staple but not mentioned at all.  The announce crew went above and beyond to mention all other Oklahoma announcers but never mentioned Jim Ross.  Whatever the real life feud between Ross and the WWE was over, it must have pissed the WWE higher-ups off pretty badly.

Los Matadores w/ El Torito – They can’t even sell merchandise.  I plea you to not use their code or show them any support.  At one point I thought they were going to sell El Torito, which I would have bought him so that I could cook him in the ground like a Hawaiian pig.  Except I’d leave him dead and buried.  Did I mention, I hate this group?

Side Note(s) –

WWE “Slammy Awards” next week, aka don’t win two or they might drop you from the ceiling of a PPV (Hart family curse).  If my calculations are correct, this is not only a “go home show” before the TLC PPV but they’re also going to squeeze in the Slammy Awards?  This is either going to be great or a mess.  I’ll try to have a backup gimmick myself just in case.

I’m totally baffled by the Wyatt / Bryan and Shield / Punk 3-on-1 matches?  Neither of them make sense, seem like good matches and are redundant.  I think we’d all like to see Bryan VS Punk or Bryan & Punk, conversely we want to see Wyatts vs Shield.  So why are we getting these odd matches?  It's too much of a coincidence to not be linked in some way?  I just needed to vent.  Somehow I couldn’t find the space to vent this in the previous 4,500 words.

Until next week…