WWE Power Rankings, RAW 12/09/2013

Coming at you from Seattle, tonight we celebrate the Slammys!  In yet another mutated creature from the Island of Dr. McMahon, the Slammys are the WWE’s answer to all other pop culture and sports award shows that celebrate themselves.  I’m a sucker for a good awards show and as much as I love the Academy Awards, Emmys, Golden Globes and even the Grammys and MTV Music Awards (I’m old now.  Music has been dead since 1998), the Slammys are a kin to the ESPY Awards or the MTV Movie awards.  They just as made-up and fake as the product themselves.  That’s not to say the Slammys couldn’t be great.  There are a lot of great things that happen in wrestling over the years and to award / rank them is fun.  What the hell do you think you’re reading right now?  The problem is, once again, there are too many PPVs and instead of the Slammys being on a night by themselves, they’re being wedged in along with a “go home show” before a PPV this sunday.  Here’s a great solution; put the Slammy Awards on the odd Saturday night that NBC shows wrestling instead of a repeat of SNL during the winter.  It’s a great way to repackage the highlights of the year for a mainstream audience and would be shown in the only “young / hip” time slot on Saturday night.  This wouldn’t cost the WWE anything and let’s the WWE do what the WWE does best, make great video packages.  If you insisted on having the wrestlers be there, you could still sell out an area, have the crew dress up and give out the awards.  You’re telling me the wrestlers would complain about a show where they didn’t have to throw themselves around a ring and just see cool montages of the year?  It’s not like NBC has anything better to put on.  Have you seen Dracula?  It’s fucking horrifying…horrifyingly awful.  The dude is from Europe, in England, puts on an American accent, to pretend he’s an American industrialist at the same time fighting some underground Illuminati, all while he could get any woman he wants but is obsessed with his friend’s fiancé because she looks like his dead wife and I think Van Helsing is gay?  It’s a train wreck.  Don’t get me started.  And that’s NBC’s most hyped show.  No, NBC isn’t saying no to this idea.  Lastly, the fans would love it.  I couldn’t tell you how excited I got (hell, I still get) when WWE was on Saturday night!  Wrestling allowed me to stay up late and was on one of the four “real” networks!  Say no more, I’ve got my PJ’s on and I’m curled up in my dinosaur blanket.  But no, we get a clusterfuck of an awards show smashed in with the show that’s supposed to set things up for the TLC PPV.  This should be good :/  (sarcastically typing - side note - Please, for the love of baby Jesus, someone tell me what the universe has decided to use for sarcastic text?  Can’t the internet come together and say, “This is the proper nomenclature on how to sarcastically write text?”)  What I’m trying to say is, the Slammys could be great (unless you’re a member of the Hart family, which then you don’t ever want to win one and god forbid two).  I’m excited.  I’m oddly excited for TLC as well.  All signs should be pointing towards a good show.  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 12/09/2013…

1. Daniel Bryan (7) – Talk about owning a show.  The show opener, and Washington native, Superstar Daniel Bryan sure as hell looked like a face of the franchise to me.  You knew he was going to be a hometown favorite but not even the top brass could have expected the ovation Bryan got at the end of the show.  He forced HHH, Cena and RKO to improv lines to work the crowd reaction into the already great ending.  (Example #1 of why these are the best performers in the world.  They have to be physical freaks, know their character’s lines / scripted goals and be able to adjust on the fly according to the fan reactions.)  Whether he was winning Slammys, getting the crowd riled up, facing off with HBK or working a solid match with Fandango; Byran killed it.  Seattle was a great crowd and Bryan had him in the palm of his hand.  Congrats on a magical night.
2. John Cena (5) – The mere fact that the WWE acknowledges and is pushing the “Let’s go Cena / Cena Sucks” chant should tell you all you need to know about “heat”.  Just like there’s no such thing as bad publicity, there’s no such thing as bad heat.  I live in a house divided.  My girlfriend is an unabashed Cena lover while I’m part of the smart fans who boo him.  Tonight our roles were switch.  She pointed out that Cena’s speech was stupid because Cena gets the same pushes at RKO gets and neither of them have ever worked as hard to get (and hold) their top spots like Bryan did.  This is my girlfriend’s words.  I thought maybe she’s finally coming around, but after her rant she still proclaimed her love for him.  I, on the other hand, usually give him a hard time but tonight applauded his show ending speech.  I agree with the Super Cena nonsense, hello!  Two weeks back from the IR and you’ve got the World strap on.  I don’t care what the end storyline is, you’re still prop’d up as the true “face of the WWE.”  Regardless, he gave a super speech about giving chances to deserving wrestlers.  I can’t knock a guy who points out Ziggler, Punk and Bryan (whom he has wrestled, and from what I understand, campaigned for in the back) all deserve championship chances  / pushes.  Cena won the night.  Having said all that, this picture is all you need to know about who cheers for Cena…   
   
3. The Shield (1) – The seeds have been sowed for the split.  It seems the breakup will be based on a Ambrose / Reigns fracture and Rollins will play the peacekeeper.  Who knows for sure?  It’s just the start and by next week we’ll all “Believe in The Shield” again, or at least until after WM and the proposed Shield / Wyatt feud.  The point is, The Shield will break up at some point.   As much as I knew this day would come, to see The Shield start to splinter makes me sad.  The Hounds of Justice have been great.  Such is life and everything must move forward.  
4. CM Punk (3) – Clearly, this is 3-on-1 match between Punk and The Shield is not the fight we want to see, but I’ll take a 1-on-1 match with Punk vs any member of The Shield everyday of the week and twice on Sunday.  It seems as though Punk has found that spark again.  He played second fiddle to Heyman in their feud, probably because it was he who had to carry Ryback and Axel while Heyman was free to just do the shoots.  Punk is still in limbo but I expect a good match at TLC and hopefully we’ll get a clearer picture of his WM plans by the time the Royal Rumble comes around.  Hell, maybe he’s put on the short list of possible winners of the Rumble match?  Something has lit his fire and that’s all that matter.  Also, this picture at the finale was great.  I could devote a whole post to breaking down this picture.
   
5. The Rhodes Boys / Rey Mysterio / Big Show (2) – It’s funny how the world works.  Big Show and Mysterio sit on opposite ends of the scales but they both have the same problems and solutions.  They’re both extremely hard to put into long feuds and in-ring they’re best served in small doses.  Letting Goldust and Cody do the heavy lifting was smart.  Not only is Goldust the Comeback Player of the Year but Cody might be the breakout star.  Goldust and Cody need to drop the tag belts soon so they can get into their presumed feud at WM (unless the feud leaves the belts abdicated which then you could have an awesome tournament for the straps) and to give the other tag teams a lift.  Also, we got a great new angle to when a tag is about to get made.  It only took 50 years to get this shot.
   
6. HHH and Stephanie (8) – To give herself the Insult of the Year award was a little self indulgent especially since Stephanie didn’t deserve it for any one particular insult.  I’m fine with HHH and Stephanie giving themselves any award they want because in reality, they’re the MVP’s of the WWE.  As I’ve said many of times, they’re “The straw that stirs the drink.”  It took 2:54 to finally get both HHH and Stephanie in the ring but as usual it was worth the wait.  Remind you, they’re part of the team that is orchestrating all this behind the scenes.  To give us a top 5-of-the-year show ending, that deserves big props.  They had an all star collection in the ring for the finale which included Bret Hart and HBK standing side by side for 10 minutes, which was probably 4th on the list of insane things that happened at the end of this show.
   
7. Randy Orton (4) – RKO needs a timeout for his behavior problems.  At least that’s what Cena made it seem like.  RKO wasn’t at his best but there was a ton going on.  I’m not here to make excuses for a man who can take care of himself.  I will say again, the pot is calling the kettle black when Cena accuses RKO of “favoritism.”  I hope RKO wins the TLC match.  He’s more than capable of putting on a stellar match and lifting Cena’s performance as well.  It’s a monumental task asking for anyone to beat Cena as the new unified Champion.  If anyone can do it, it is RKO.  I’ll keep my fingers crossed.
8. The Usos (N/A) – They should win most underrated in-ring performers.  They never say anything.  They’re never feuding with anyone.  They have absolutely no storyline.  They only bring down the house every match they have.  It’s amazing.  Watching one of the Usos on Total Divas allows me to see that he’s capable of putting words together.  Why they’re not asked to do more or the writers haven’t found something to do with them is a shame and the only thing holding them back.  Otherwise, I’m always excited to see them wrestle and I can’t remember the last time they disappointed.  
9. The Wyatt Family (6) – Finally, in his own weird way, Bray Wyatt gave a great promo.  This feud with Bryan is either going to be a horrible story or it’s going to be awesome.  Hopefully Sunday will tell us what’s happening with The Wyatts and Bryan.  Like Punk / Shield, no one is looking forward to a 3-on-1 match with Bryan / Wyatts but this one has more of a story and potential set up for the future.  With the true Superstar pop Bryan got on RAW, who knows what the WWE will end up doing with Bryan and The Wyatts.  If Bray is healthy and can fight, a match between him and Bryan could be great.  Otherwise I can’t seem to wrap my brain around Bryan “becoming” a Wyatt and what that’s supposed to do for either of them.  If you wanted to just put on a pound for pound 6-man tag with The Wyatt Family vs Bryan and The Usos, I could go for that.  The Usos brought out the best in Harper and Rowan, which ended with a devastating clothesline by Harper for the win.
10. Bret Hart and The Match of the Year (N/A) – The only award to make it on the Power Ranking.  This is the only award that really mattered.  CM PUNK / Undertaker, Rhodes vs Shield, Lesnar / HHH vs Rock vs Cena?  You had to know that Super Cena and Punk would win this award but like so many, the fans (which I don’t believe actually decided the outcomes) voted the wrong match.  Out of these choices, I’d have to go with The Rhodes Family vs The Shield with CM Punk / Undertaker a close second.  The stakes were high, the bit was set up perfectly, they incorporated a living legend, it brought back a rejuvenated Goldust, lifted Cody’s profile and proved again that I “Believe in The Shield.”  It was a great feud, fight and result.  Even Bret seemed to know this was a bullshit win because he bolted the stage as soon as he read the winner.  Props to Bret for walking out on that bogus win.  The Epic Fail of the night was to have Bret Hart and HBK in the same ring and NOT have them do something together was a huge missed opportunity.   
11. Damien Sandow (9) – Sandow is a solid challenger for Big E.  I expect a good match at the PPV and am interested in seeing how Sandow is used afterwards.  I don’t expect Sandow to win the IC belt because of the push Big E is getting but assuming he puts on a good showing, what’s next for Sandow? 
12. Big E Langston (11) – I can see why WWE brass likes him.  Big E fits the WWE mold, is solid on the mic and can put on a good match.  He’s not transcendent but you can see why the WWE wants to push him.  Let’s not forget how green he is.  It’s barely been a year since he’s been on the roster full time and only a few months (if that) since he’s gotten this push.  I fully expect Big E to beat Sandow and retain the IC belt at TLC.  With a good showing, I’ll be excited to see who he defends the IC best against next.  I’d love to see Big E prove himself against Sandow and then get into a student / master feud with Ziggler.  (Maybe not the best choice of words as one is a small white dude and the other is a hulking black guy but you get my point.  Think Star Wars, not early American colonialism through 1865.)
13. Kofi Kingston (14) – JBL was right, “This is the Kofi I like.”  Angry Kofi is the best Kofi.  If this is a preview of the PPV, Kofi and Miz could steal the show.  With an opponent that can pull his weight in a match, Kofi and Miz are is a match that people don’t want to be sleeping on.  One of the reasons I’m overly pumped for this PPV.  
14. The Miz (14) – In a short but sweet match, Miz pulls out the win.  Even though he finished the match being laid out, it was a good, quick match.  The RAW finale reminded us that Miz is a former WWE champ.  During the transition from Attitude to Reality eras, The Miz was the hot wrestler.  He’s a much better heel than face.  Miz is also the type of heel that will allow Kofi to have a mean streak and the crowd will go with it.  The Miz can be that super arrogant asshole that warrants the face to be aggressive as well.  It seems that The Miz is to a character that he does well and the crowd enjoys to hate.
15. Brodus Clay w/ Sweet T and the Funkadactyls (18) – I’m looking forward to Clay breaking out of the kid friendly mode and wreck shop.  That’s what he was supposed to come into the WWE universe as.  Not this dancing dinosaur.  As stupid as this “rumpus over the funkus” is, if that’s what Clay needs to unleash the beast, then let’s do it.
16. AJ Lee (HM) – Once again, shafted by the Bellas for the Diva of the Year.  It wasn’t as big of a shafting as her loss for Insult of the Year was.  AJ gave one of the best shoots of the year.  Not just for the Divas division but for the entire roster.  AJ gave her version of Punk’s pipe bomb shoot.  Unfortunately, the WWE is more concerned about the Total Divas show than the success of the Divas champ.
17. Alberto Del Rio (15) – One of the greatest shoot promos of all time!  I’m just messing with ya’ll, how the hell would I know, I don’t speak Mexican.  I’m just assuming.  ADR was World champ just a few months ago and now he’s fighting fake Sin Cara?  How the might have fallen.  If it’s any consolation, he and Sin Cara could put on a good match which may lead to the next step.  I still think it would be interesting, after all of ADR’s bluster, if ADR and Zeb teamed up to send all the “illegals” back to where they came from, it could be an interesting concept.  I have no faith that it will happen or if it did, would be handled correctly.
18. SAN-TIN-OOOOOOOOO (N/A) – You can tell the dumbest stuff happens on Smackdown.  Smackdown had the “taming of Santino’s cobra” which was absolutely preposterous, but I’ll admit I loved it.  I love anything Santino does.  No matter what he’s asked to do, he does it and with 100% effort.  I don’t care if Santino falls ass-backwards into being the champion for two-seconds.  It will be the best two-seconds of my life.  One day Santino, one day.
19. Fan-dan-go (N/A) – Someone had to come out and job to the hometown hero, Bryan.  Fandango and Summer Rae got to put on their classiest dress shoes and tear it up.  Fandango’s gimmick is on the boarder of being done or ready for full acceptance from the crowd, not just the marks who are metta-cheering Fandango.  Either way, the boy can wrestle.  I may hate the gimmick but I’ll give the wrestler his due.
20. Ryback / Curtis Axel / Real Americans w/ Zeb (N/A) – Zeb somehow was nominated in almost every Slammy category but won nothing.  I won’t be shedding a tear for poor old Zeb.  Out of this conglomerate of mediocrity, Zeb is the only character that gets me worked up in any way.  As far as the wrestling goes, Cesaro is the real deal and the only one of the four who deserves to get any kind of push.  The finale reminded us that Swagger was once a “Champion” which points out the need to consolidate the belts.  Ryb-Axel dumping Heyman was not a good move when neither has any personality.  If I was booking the show, I’d break up Cesaro and Swagger.  Then flip Zeb and Swagger into a three man group (which the WWE seems fond of these days) with Zeb as the mouthpiece.  WWE can roll the dice with Cesaro to see if they can turn him into a contender and the “reloaded” Real Americans will save the plummeting Ryb-Axel.  

Honorable Mentions

Total Divas – I HATE HATE HATE HATE the Total Divas reality show.  (looking from side to side to see if anyone is watching me) I liked last night’s episode.  The death of Gizmo the Cat sucked because it was real and most of the situations on the show last night seemed to be actual reality.  The WWE is already “reality TV” so you don’t need the added fake reality on top of that.  Do a straight up documentary on what goes on behind the scenes of the wrestlers and THAT would be a great reality show.

Jerry “The King” Lawler and Booker T – Our hosts for the Slammy Awards.  If you asked me to choose between The King & Booker T vs Franco & Hathaway, I gotta say that The King & Booker would be a better choice to host the Oscars.  

Mark Henry – The biggest upset of the night was that Henry didn’t win the Biggest Double-cross of the Year!  This is truly an outrage.  I don’t know one person that wasn’t fooled by Henry’s fake retirement.  Not only did he play it perfectly but also gave Cena one hell of an ass whooping.  Shaving his head and becoming the “Ricky Rosé” Henry has been great too.  I couldn’t justify putting him on the Rankings because he lost the Slammy and didn’t wrestle but he was there as a former champion (again, I didn’t remember that he was a champ) and had fun with Bryan at the finale.  A solid performance and I hope they insert him in a good feud soon.

Vickie Guerrero – I don’t know that she deserves more than a Honorable Mention but she definitely deserves to be a part of the LOL moment of the year.  She had HHH breaking character and was the butt of The Rock’s joke, along with the million of other solid stunts she pulls throughout the year.  She’s a solid performer and always brings her “A” game.  

Shawn “HBK” Michaels – It’s so strange, usually HBK is so understated and humble. (Where is my sarcasm text?!)  HBK stepped up his…well…HBK-ness to a new level.  Winning the double-cross of the year was bullshit but predictable.  Trying to re-name the award after himself and with such lame pop culture attempt from 10 years ago was just so, so, so… HBK.  By the way, I can see HHH doing it someday.

Xavier Woods w/ R-Truth – What more can I say that I didn’t touch on with Brodus Clay.  If Woods is what gives us a badass Clay, I’ll deal with it.  At least Woods has a lot of promise in-ring.  Also, a little R-Truth each show isn’t a bad thing.

Dolph Ziggler – Not on the show except as a set piece for the finale.  He’ll be in the PPV pre-show which has featured some good matches and important players.  Hopefully the days of Ziggler being buried are done?  We can hope.

Russell Wilson – Great MVP chant during the Sin Cara / ADR match.  Well deserved, but he has no chance vs Peyton Manning’s Super Cena status.

Side Note(s) –

I’m glad we wasted precious time, once again, explaining how to download the WWE app.  The key isn’t “how to” download the app, clearly nine million people have figured that out, it’s to make the app work!  Unlike Michael Cole, I won’t waste any more of your time or a power point presentation explaining this.

I’m a fan of Nelson Mandela but at the 1:16 mark to just throw an “in the memory of” seemed weird.  Out of all the people to get a clips package, the WWE couldn’t tastefully explain Mandela to generations of kids that have no idea who he is and his importance in the world?  Oh, I forgot the WWE doesn’t do subtlety well.  If there ever was a time to go overboard on someone, I could live with it being for Nelson Mandela.  At least the WWE’s heart was in the right place.  

Until next week…

WWE Power Rankings, RAW 12-02-2013 - NBA Edition!

Coming at you from Oklahoma City, and my god, could I use some wrestling action.  Between the holidays and family, it feels like monday night would never get here.  I’m so full on leftovers, pizza (because I was so sick of leftovers, I stuffed myself for three days with something non-Thanksgiving related), spending hours with family, listening to how Obamacare and Iran are going to be the end of the world from the conservative side of my family, getting high and drunk with the liberal side of my family, trying to explain what a “wrestling Power Ranking” is, realizing that after just two (or maybe six or seven) drinks that I’m old because I slipped off the bottom step and damn near killed myself at my parent’s house, being annoyed because the bill collector’s autodialers don’t care that it’s a holiday weekend so they keep calling at 8 AM on Friday and Saturday morning AND watching so much football (college and pro) that I feel I could be a Head Coach.  Speaking of football, remember how I mentioned that I may have had a bit of a gambling “issue”?  Well, this weekend I’m glad I don’t gamble because with all the back-door covers, thrilling upsets (Iron Bowl anyone?) and unexpected results; your boy The Bear would have been in the hospital next to John Fox and Gary Kubiak with an exploded heart and blood trickling out of my ears from a hemorrhaging brain aneurism.  We’re not even going to talk about the basketball that snuck onto the TV every so often.  I’m all sports out.  What I need is some nice calm wrestling story telling.  An entertainment medium were 10% of their performers had been dying on an annual basis until recently, when they realized that unchecked steroid / drug use and chair-shots to the head might not be the best work environment.  Oh, did I mention it’s getting cold!  Sure, I live in Los Angeles but it got into the high 50’s twice this weekend.  Twice!  With the wind factor, god, I don’t even want to think about it.  All this said, I’ve cozied myself up and I’m ready for some hot man-on-man wrestling action to warm me up!  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 12/02/2013…

From time to time I like to switch things up a little.  Hell, there’s 52 of these a year and let’s face it, they’re not all winners.  This was an average episode of RAW, nothing great but nothing horrible.  For the sake of having fun, let’s make this the 2013 early-season NBA themed Power Rankings.  What does that mean?  Well, I guess you’ll just have to read to find out… 

1. The Shield (1) – The Spurs.  Even though The Shield are just over a year old, they’re the best team.  Their consistency, they know their roles and always give a great performance is exactly why they’re the Spurs of the WWE.  They’re simply dominant and all the haters have run out of excuses.  Enjoy them while they last.  They even cut good promos from a broom closet.  If next week, they were put in a toilet stall to cut a promo; I’d put the betting line at -125 that they still do a great job.  The Hounds of Justice, and Punk for that matter, are being oddly wasted in this handicap match at TLC?  Believe in The Shield, isn’t just a tag line, it is fact.  Their actual match was against Goldust / Cody / Big Show was a highlight of the night.  If anything proves their greatness, it’s that Ambrose and Rollins made Big Show look good. 
2. Goldust and Cody Rhodes (3) – The Pacers.  A home grown team, not bought and put together as a supergroup (as with the Heat and Shield) and after a few years of down time, trying to figure things out and form an identity, they have put it all together and are both having a great year.  Unfortunately The Rhodes boys were saddled with The Big Show.  If the WWE is so intent of having handicap matches, why couldn’t we have just had a Goldust / Cody vs Shield match?  That would have been a fine match.  Who’s having a better time than these two?
   
3. CM Punk (5) – Kobe Bryant.  Punk can carry a show and be the beginning, middle and end.  He can also be the most arrogant performer and turn it on when he wants to.  He can also come into the ring, looking like he just rolled out of bed and steal the show.  He’s the villain you love.  If you’re a fan, he can do no wrong but if you aren’t a fan you wonder what is wrong with all the people who love him so unconditionally.  The show opener, a little off his game tonight but probably because his storyline doesn’t make any sense right now.  Did I miss something or is everyone else just as confused on this Punk vs Shield feud?  I’m down for an Ambrose vs Punk TLC match.  Hell, I’m down for any of the Shield vs Punk in a TLC match but what’s the point of the 3-on-1 PPV TLC match?  He’s not winning that alone.  This has to be going somewhere, right?  The stress of this impending match must be the reason for his horrible haircut.  I know he’s a rebel, but do you have to be a rebel against a nice haircut?  Keep in high and tight or let it grow out.  Don’t look like a chick on suicide risk who cut her own hair.    
4. Randy Orton (2) – Kevin Durant.  It’s fitting they’re in OKC because RKO is the Kevin Durant of the WWE.  The only difference is that Durant is a baby face and RKO is a classic heel.  Other than that, he’s second to Cena like Durant is second to LeBron James.  Hardcore hoop fans will side with Durant just as mark wrestling fans want RKO to beat Cena.  Cena and James are just too powerful.  On RAW, for RKO to say he’s, “More famous and well known than the WWE and Cena?”  Why don’t you just hand over the WWE belt now and not waste time at the PPV.
5. John Cena (4) – LeBron James.  Is there any doubt that Cena is the LeBron James of the WWE?  Each are polarizing.  The crowd boos and cheers but they’re the faces of the NBA / WWE.  Skill-wise, LeBron the best player since MJ (sorry Kobe, I love ya but if I’m playing pick-up ball, I’m playing with LeBron because I want to shoot too).  You gotta admit, his shout outs to the history of both championships were nice.  No matter what any “smart” wrestling fans has to say or how much we’d like Cena to turn heel, HE IS THE FACE OF THE WWE.  He’ll win 90% of the time and he’s too important as a face and THE face to turn heel.  So deal with it.  The same as Lebron is the best player in the NBA.  Facts are facts.  While we’re talking facts, I had to laugh at Cena’s declaration that he’s never been given anything and “worked” for his World Championship belt.  Let’s see how ADR feels about how hard you worked your way up the ranks to get a title shot at his World Championship just minutes after returning from injury.  I’m sure we’ll get a little different opinion from ADR.
6. The Wyatt Family (6) – The Clippers.  You’re going to tell me that CP3 isn’t a maniacal leader like Bray Wyatt and Griffin / Jordan aren’t his giant flunkies that he has to control to make everything work?  Watch a few Lob City games and get back to me.  WWE is really dropping the ball with these Wyatt abductions, Kane / Bryan.  What could be a good storytelling tool ends up being nothing.  Like I said last week, they’re the Lost of the WWE.  Story lines that go nowhere.  Another good promo by Bray but is it going to lead up to something or just peter out?  I can already hear you guys saying, “Bray is just crazy”…cray like a fox!  If you don’t understand this lunatic, that’s your bad.  If you’ve done as much drugs as I have in the past, he make perfect sense.
7. Daniel Bryan (7) – Kyrie Irving.  They’ve both young, driven, extremely talented and seemingly beloved by their piers and the crowd.  They’re also both stuck in bad situations.  Ain’t no one winning a championship in Cleveland and Bryan is stuck in the oddest plot line.  Bryan is back from being left in an abandoned parking lot.  All I could think about is Bryan as Mark Wahlberg trying to jerk off in a parking lot in front of the Wyatts and then being beaten and left like in the end of Boogie Nights.  JBL was either laying the rumored tracks of Bryan become a Wyatt, which I’m totally against, or just playing with the internet rumor mill.  Just because you have a beard, does not a Wyatt make.  Bryan in a handicap 3-on-1 match vs The Wyatt Family at TLC?  It makes even less sense than the Punk / Shield match.  Again, they’re oddly similar which tells me something is up with both stories.
8. HHH and Stephanie (9) – David Stern and Adam Silver, do I really need to explain myself.  The most smug and arrogant of all the sports franchises, BUT also the best.  It’s going to be a sad day when Stern retires later this year but he’s done it all.  He turned the NBA from a drug addled league that couldn’t get live TV coverage for the Finals which white families were scared of into the most recognizable and fastest growing sport in the world.  HHH and Stephanie weren’t left with a mess when they started to take over creative control but like everything in the 2000’s, it was just boring derivative crap.  Safe, uninspired, didn’t want to offend anyone and didn’t want to take risks to push the envelope which makes everything generic and boring.  Didn’t even want to embrace the past because there were a few moments you’d like not to admit to (i.e. Chris Benoit) but by doing so the WWE wasn’t capitalizing on the 50 years of nostalgia and great moments that make wrestling the greatest show on earth.  HHH and Stephanie started to embrace the past icon (Bruno Sammartino), mend / strengthen alliances (Rock, Stone Cold, Hogan, Flair, etc.), let young talent show off their abilities and characters (Punk, Bryan, Wyatts, etc.) and brought back the importance of Championship belts which were being passed around like hot-potatoes and the tag team division.  This week, the dynamic duo who run the show involved themselves in something other than just the WWE championship.  They dabbled in the Punk storyline, which assures me there’s something more going on there (I hope).  By the end of the night they were back to setting up the main event and title unification at TLC.  Again, to rank them is hard.  Not because they don’t do anything but we only see a glimpse of what they do.  What we do see is always great but nothing stands out.  Although, HHH listing all the former great title holders and then to have Stephanie make sure everyone knew that HHH was also among the holders of each belt was cute. 
9. Damien Sandow (11) – Klay Thompson.  Not the best Splash Bros. but the one who is getting the push for some reason.  I’m a fan of Sandow and of Klay Thompson, they’re both great, but if you’re going to put them side-by-side with Ziggler and Curry, I can’t ride with you.  The last two weeks on RAW, we were supposed accept that Sandow and Ziggler were in some sort of competition of stupid matches for god knows what reason.  This week, magically we’re told it was to be the #1 contender for the IC strap and will face Big E for the title.  Which doesn’t make sense because Big E only won the IC belt after Sandow and Ziggler started this stupid competition.  Nice job, WWE creative team (he say’s sarcastically).  We’re to forget about the gimmick match nonsense that Sandow and Ziggler were forced to in-dour?  Regardless, Sandow won and will face Big E for the IC belt.  A month ago this would have been a downgrade from MitB ticket for the World belt to having to face Axel for the IC belt.  But now Big E is a solid IC champ and the prestige of the IC belt has been raised, “The times are a changing.”  
10. Dolph Ziggler (10) – Stephen Curry.  Just as when you read on twitter, “Steph is heating up!” you’ll run to a TV to find the GSW game, is the same as when I hear Ziggler is going up against anyone.  No matter how stupid the gimmick for the match is or how lame the opponent is, Ziggler is going to give you a solid match at the very least.  As usual, Ziggler and Sandow put on a good match but Ziggler got the short end of the stick.  This was a surprise because it would have been interesting to see former running mates in Ziggler / Big E fight for the IC strap.  Even Big E expressed as much with his ringside commentary.  My gut tells me we haven’t seen the end of this Big E / Sandow / Ziggler storyline.  Wait, did I actually see an entire Smackdown commercial promoting Ziggler?  He might be down but this is a good sign.  I hope, right?  Please?
11. Big E Langston (8) – Kenneth Faried.  Young, enthusiastic, has a motor that doesn’t stop (which makes up for some inexperience), charismatic, a crowd favorite and could be a solid role player for the next five years; am I talking about the Man-imal or Big E?  If you would have told me a few months ago, when Curtis Axel was the IC champ, that the IC belt would be the most hotly contested championship and the belt that I was most interested in and had a then “sidekick” Big E Langston as champion, my mind would have been blown.  Big E has been good on mic and in-ring.  If they really are going to unify the WWE and World belts, the IC and Heavyweight belts stature should increase.  At first it might seem as a demotion to the second tier guys who were chasing the World belt, now they’re firmly and realistically in the mix for the Heavyweight and IC belts. 
12. Mark “Mayback Music” Henry (8) – “Boogie” Cousins.  For a few years Boogie was trapped in Sacramento / Maloof hell but now that he’s gotten a chance to mature and find his way Boogie is turning into the All Star leader everyone thought he could become.  Same with Mark Henry.  When he was impregnating Mae Young and getting buried by bad gimmicks you thought he was a waste of talent.  This past year, Henry has started to come into his own.  He had one of the greatest fake retirements I’ve ever seen.  He’s come back and he’s been dominant.  The WWE uses him perfectly with short matches and tells him to go out, be scary and destroy people.  Both Boogie and Henry have found their footholds in their respective sports.  
13. Wade Barrett (N/A) – Andrew Bynum.  As a Laker fan, I’ve seen the best and worst of Bynum.  If healthy and motivated, he can be the best center in the NBA.  Ask the 76-er’s fans and he’s a lazy thief who had more bad haircuts than games played.  Is he a villain or does he have the potential to be awesome?  Barrett can be both, which in wrestling is good.  Back from visa / passport hell.  If his absence doesn’t scream immigration reform, I don’t know what does?!?!  He’s been dogged by injury (over a year ago his arm snapped like a twig on RAW, yeah this is all fake, right?) and stuck in customs like Tom Hanks in The Terminal, so you forget that before the likes of Bryan, Punk, Ziggler, Sandow, ADR, etc. that Barrett was on tract to becoming a major contender.  It’s nice to have him back.  William Regal 2.0, which means a presumably sober, younger, more athletic version of Regal, Barrett has a strong future.   I don’t know about this #BadNewsBarrett gimmick but let’s pop the cork and let it breath.
14. Kofi Kingston and The Miz (13/14) – The Knicks, specifically Carmello and Amare.  If defunction is what you’re going for, here you go.  Both players are talented, one is near the peak of his powers and the other used to be and is consistently trying to come back.  They just can’t work together.  We’ve seen it enough to know it just isn’t going to work.  The WWE has to commit to this feud.  Just as fast as Miz turned on Kofi, they seemingly got back together just to turn on each other again.  It’s not going to work.  Turn Miz heel and let him and Kofi put on a few solid matches that gets resolved at TLC (which a TLC match between Kofi and Miz should be good).
15. Alberto Del Rio (15) – Zach “Z-Bo” Randolph.  It took Z-Bo a few years, bouncing from team to team, for him to finally figure out his role.  We’re at about the same point in Z-bo’s career as when he was on the Clippers for the second time.  We’re just one or two tweaks to ADR’s character and he’ll be a superstar.  The WWE doesn’t know what to do with ADR but they’re trying.  He had the title and was on the verge of some great feuds with the second tier guys.  That was until Cena came back and they decided to unify the title.  They realize he’s a top tier talent because he’s getting pushes.  In the oddest promo, he talks about sending Sin Cara back to Mexico and being a boarder hopper.  (I hate to see brown on brown crime.)  Unless ADR is trading in Ricardo Rodriguez for Zeb Colter to make the most unholiest of unions, which if I step back could (I carefully say “could”) be interesting.  Then he goes and losses to Sin Cara, maybe like the legend of the phoenix, he needs to fall to be able to rise from the ashes?
16. R-Truth and Xavier Woods (16) – Ricky Rubio and Kevin Love.  They have no history and nothing points to them being able to stay healthy together but when they are together they can be fun to watch.  As predicted, you can’t steal another man’s gimmick, no matter how lame it is, or how desperately lame yours is that you need the Funkasaurus gimmick as an upgrade.  Woods has talent and got the win.  The countdown for when someone from the WWE refers to Woods and R-Truth as “schuckin’ and jivin’” has begun.  The sweet smell of racism, you can almost taste it.
17. The Big Show (17) – Dwight Howard.  On paper he looks good but when you watch him, he’s boring, he’s not as athletic as he used to be and it’s clear he’ll never be the superstar he should be.  Big Show somehow snuck his way into being the 6th wheel in on a Rhodes vs Shield match.  Talk about lucky bookings.  Let me get this straight.  Other than the choke slam, Big Show’s two main moves are a punch and a chest slap.  Thrilling.  Dwight Howard can pull down all the rebounds he wants but if he can’t create his own points, has no post moves, plays horrible help defense and can’t hit free throws; you’re never winning the championship with as one of your top three players.
18. Tons of Fun aka Brodus Clay and Sweet T (N/A) – The Raptors, specifically DeMar DeRozan and Rudy Gay.  I didn’t set out to put the two dinosaur teams together but the world works in mysterious ways.  Did you know, today, with a loosing record of 6-10 the Raptors are in first place in the Atlantic Division?  Clay and T are one of the most gimmicky tag teams but have the skills to beat just about anyone.  DeRozan and Gay shouldn’t be working well together but they’ve dragged their team into first place.  I don’t care how they’ve done it, the fact is that they’ve done it.  Clay and T have the big bodies that the WWE usually uses in their top tiers.  Unfortunately they’re tied to a well merchandised gimmick.  In a battle for the Funkadactyls and theme music, for the slightest of moments, I thought we were getting the badass Brodus Clay that was teased when he was first brought up to the WWE.  It’s hard to take someone like Clay as a serious monster when dressed like a clown.  Clay’s size and skill is something that the WWE could easily push as a championship contender, any championship.  I understand the business end and I’m sure he sells a lot of merch to the kids but a T-rex is a scary monster that kids love too.  There’s got to be a way of pushing Clay while keeping his sales up.  If that means a feud with Tensi / Sweet T, I’m all for it.   Maybe I’m being too hypocritical, I now know what I want for Xmas this year, this Funkasaurus coat / warm up.
    
    
    
    
    
19. Sin Cara (N/A) – John Wall / Derrick Rose perpetually injured superstar.  He was another wrestler with a ton of hype but has yet to gain a foothold in the WWE universe.  He’s got all the talent but can’t stay healthy. The few times I’ve seen Sin Cara, I’ve thought he’s been outstanding int he ring but every time you turn around he’s hurt.  I need a larger sample size.  I’m a little shocked he got the win but you have to start somewhere.
20. WWE live audience – Wrestling is so great and one of the best reasons is the interaction between performer and fan.  Let’s just say, this is the fan of the week!
    

Honorable Mentions

Prime Time Players – At least both of them have now been seen.  Unfortunately it was on Smackdown and I missed what looked to be a great bit.  Can we put an end to the Cesaro spin now that Titus O’Neil threw up all over Zeb and JBL / Cole?  

The WWE / World Champion – Do we really want the WWE fans to decided what to call the unified champion?  Worse, do we want only the 10 people who can work the WWE app to name the championship?  If the public were left up to the public to name the championship for all things we wouldn’t have the Stanley Cup or the Lombardi Trophy.  Don’t leave something as important up to the internet voting public.  That’s how we get things like “The Unified Champion” which is awful.  Unified champion of what?  The audience are idiots.  Have some balls WWE and rename the championship something respectable.   

Korporate Kane – Director of Operations.  Finally given something to do.  Who knew, that after 20 years of saying nothing, or being the straight-man on a tag team duo (i.e. the great Kane / Goldust / Booker T collaborations or team Hell NO), Kane actually had something to say.  In doing a little research, I came across this little ditty.  Who knew Kane was just some libertarian dude who reads the paper in the morning and checks his stock portfolio.  I know I these guys are actors for the most part and surly Kane isn’t the fire born hell spawn, but when you realized we all put our spandex costume on one leg at a time instead of being unearthed from a fiery pit, it make my soul a little colder.  Although I’ve always thought a CNBC show staring wrestlers like Kane and JBL, in full in-ring attire, should host a stock and investment show.

Total Divas vs AJ and the mudskippers – For all the things I hate about the Total Divas show, the oddest thing is that I assume the WWE has complete control of the show but the show doesn’t put Cena in the best light?  Nothing he does is horrible but it shows Cena as a real man who’s been through a bad divorce and isn’t perfect in how he deals with his personal life.  It’s actually the most real thing on the show.  I would have expected the WWE to make sure “The Face of the WWE” was always shown in the best light possible.  This vapid show’s ultimate goal is to promote the WWE (it’s not like if Total Divas takes off, RAW and Smackdown will cancel and the WWE will become the next Bravo and focus its effort on the real housewives of wrestling).  Oh, should I have been paying attention to this match?  Sorry, I think someone won.  AJ kept skipping.  The next thing I know, I’m fast forwarding through the Miz’s TV movie commercial.  

Jim Ross – Usually an Oklahoma staple but not mentioned at all.  The announce crew went above and beyond to mention all other Oklahoma announcers but never mentioned Jim Ross.  Whatever the real life feud between Ross and the WWE was over, it must have pissed the WWE higher-ups off pretty badly.

Los Matadores w/ El Torito – They can’t even sell merchandise.  I plea you to not use their code or show them any support.  At one point I thought they were going to sell El Torito, which I would have bought him so that I could cook him in the ground like a Hawaiian pig.  Except I’d leave him dead and buried.  Did I mention, I hate this group?

Side Note(s) –

WWE “Slammy Awards” next week, aka don’t win two or they might drop you from the ceiling of a PPV (Hart family curse).  If my calculations are correct, this is not only a “go home show” before the TLC PPV but they’re also going to squeeze in the Slammy Awards?  This is either going to be great or a mess.  I’ll try to have a backup gimmick myself just in case.

I’m totally baffled by the Wyatt / Bryan and Shield / Punk 3-on-1 matches?  Neither of them make sense, seem like good matches and are redundant.  I think we’d all like to see Bryan VS Punk or Bryan & Punk, conversely we want to see Wyatts vs Shield.  So why are we getting these odd matches?  It's too much of a coincidence to not be linked in some way?  I just needed to vent.  Somehow I couldn’t find the space to vent this in the previous 4,500 words.

Until next week…

WWE Power Rankings, RAW 11-25-2013

Coming at you from Long Island, last night was an unimaginative Survivor Series PPV.  It wasn't so much of a bad PPV (match by match), rather it was just boring and uninspired.  There wasn’t much difference between last week’s RAW and the PPV, except on RAW we got the 12-man match that we would have liked to have seen at Survivor Series.  There was no excitement and all the matches went according to prediction.  The “surprise” return of Mark Henry was called correctly by my friend Freddy D “The Oracle” even down to the timing, execution of the bit and the finish of the match.  Everything was just too predictable.  There was one shot that my whole crew thought, if executed, would have been the surprise move of the night.  Once Punk and Bryan won their match, there was an odd exchange between the two winners and Bray Wyatt.  Bryan dropped to his knees and was challenging him while Punk stood eerily behind him.  What a perfect time for a kick to the back of Bryan’s head and for Punk to turn heel again (finally).  The participants were all set, the cameras were in place but nothing ended up happening.  That wouldn’t have saved the PPV from the bore-fest it became but it would have at least been something to talk about.  “Boring” was loudly shouted by the crowd during the Big Show / RKO match, which I can’t imagine was what the WWE was hoping for during the main event.  By the end, the crowd had full right to call the PPV bullshit.  All the champs retained their titles in easy fashion.  The traditional Survivor Series matches all went as envisioned.   My crew and I had a 30 minute debate over the top rap albums of the 90’s which was far more entertaining (more on this later).  

OK, so what?  It’s not the first PPV to suck and it won’t be the last.  It certainly wasn’t the worst PPV ever.  It was just very vanilla.  

One last complaint, a more serious business-side complaint, is that the WWE is screwing over the PPV buyers.  More and more, the WWE is putting on the exact same match on RAW the very next night as they did on the PPV.  I don’t mind if you want to give away a good match before the PPV (i.e. the 12-man tag on 11/18) but don’t have the same matches the next night free on RAW when a good portion of your audience just paid to see those matches at $60 a pop.  If Vince wants to complain about buy-rates on conference calls, maybe its because the WWE has made it unnecessary to buy the PPV.  There are too many PPVs per year and you undercut your own product.  You’ll see this throughout the rankings.  If I didn’t order the $60 Survivor Series, it would have been ok because I got a mini version of EVERY match from Sunday, free on Monday with the same winners.  That’s my two-second business complaint which has nothing to do with the wrestlers or the story telling.    

This is all about fun.  I was surrounded by good friends, lots of food and a second screen had the Patriots / Broncos game on (talk about a busy night for the Boston area).  OH, and this happened…

How could Mark Henry be in two places at once?  I doubt any of your parties had their own Sexual Chocolate appearances last night!  He’s magic.  And that's a 70-inch big screen just so you know we had the real deal!

Let’s have some fun.  Last night is in the rearview mirror and we’re just a hop-skip-and-a-jump away from Royal Rumble.  So with that, let’s get to the rankings as of this week’s RAW on 11/25/2013…

1. The Shield (1) – Ambrose got the short end of the stick during their ‘Series match and Reigns got the biggest spotlight.  Regardless, they were in the best match at the PPV.  They were even better on RAW vs Rhodes Family & Mysterio.  While I hope The Shield stays together for as long as possible, I know the WWE will eventually break them up, but until then cherish what you’re watching.  Reigns might be the eventual singles champ and have the highest career ceiling, Rollins is the absolute glue / workhorse and Ambrose is nearing Ziggler-level at selling spots.  I can’t recall one team working so well together on a consistent basis.  Not even brothers like the Rhodes or the Usos look so natural together and hit all their marks so perfectly week after week.  I’m so gay for The Shield.  Let’s not gloss over how they snuck in and laid out Punk.  I don’t know why they went after Punk or why the Wyatts took Bryan but if they can somehow turn a hostage exchange gone wrong into a feud with The Wyatts, they’ll go down as the best of all time.
2. RKO (2) – One of the “for sure things” that was going to happen at the PPV was some sort of overbooking of the WWE Championship match.  By coming out and not interfering with the WWE match, HHH and Stephanie interfered.  All of which was to lead up to the question “Who is the Face of the WWE?”  The final stare down between WWE champ RKO and World champ Cena set the ball rolling to a rumored unification match.  I know we’ve scene RKO / Cena before but not Champ vs Champ, in a TLC match and while RKO is at the peak of being the last true heel and Cena as the real face of the WWE / Super Cena.
3. Goldust and Cody Rhodes (1) – The Rhodes boys are consummate professionals and looked really solid.  I only wished they gave more character development time to Cody and Goldust.  I certainly miss Goldust’s antics.  If it’s true that we’re headed to a brother vs brother match at WM30, they can save their story-calories now because all it takes is a twist here, a turn there and a misplaced punch to the face at the Rumble for them to drop the belts and get the ball rolling for their feud.  A quick side note to the Goldust character.  I’m so happy Dustin Rhodes came back as The Gold One and not just lame Dustin Rhodes.  But a good question came up at our PPV nerd conclave, “How confusing is Goldust to the post-Attitude era generation of wrestling fans?”  Sure, everyone of my elk knows who Goldust is and his background.  He was Lady Gaga before Lady Gaga played her first note on the piano or wore her first meat-dress.  There’s been no mention of the sexuality of his character, obviously they’re not going to bring up his ex-wife Terri Runnels (who was one of the first women of the Attitude era) even though she was a big part of his character or the previous incarnations that included mental illness and various physical ticks.  My point being, what the hell do kids 15 and under think of Cody Rhodes’ brother?  They must wonder why the hell is he dressed like that and why when he cuts a promo it’s always some off the wall nonsense?   Nothing that makes Goldust, Goldust is ever brought up.  This is a subject for another day but seeing him interact with Michael Strahan reminded me of how bat-shit crazy he used to be, how it’s never addressed and what does the younger generation know of and think of the character Goldust?
4. John Cena (4) – Even my girlfriend, a huge Cena fan, was wondering what he was doing chasing after the “second tier” belt?  At least we have some answers to why ADR got jobbed so fast and what was the purpose of Cena having the World strap.  A long awaited unification match between Cena and RKO, or so we’re to believe someone has long been awaiting this unification.  Whatever…Super Cena pulls out the victory at ‘Series and is now on track to regain this throne as Face of the WWE and soon to be it’s unified champion.  You’d hope RKO has a chance but taking a step back, Super Cena having the unified belt(s) would polarize Cena even further.  I was surprise by the boos in Boston but it led to a great shot at the end with Cena (the most aware and most comfortable in his own skin wrestler) holding up his retained belt in front of 10 hardcore fans with huge Cena Suck signs.  I appreciate that he knows he has two audiences and plays with them both equally well.  No other wrestler so divided a crowd and at the same time had both sides of the divide go apeshit.  
5. CM Punk (1) – Who knew Punk was good on a mic??????  It’s been far too long since we’ve gotten a promo from Punk.  If you’ve picked up on my sarcasm, you can guess he killed it.  You forget that when Punk is given the time and is properly motivated, he really is “the best in the world” at lighting pipe bombs and putting on great matches (although he needs a better finisher than the GTS).  I don’t have a read on what’s going on between him and the Wyatts.  I can’t tell you where or how his relationship with Bryan is going to end up.  All I know is that if Punk’s inner spark plug is cranked up again, we (the audience) will be the better for it.  While his feud with Heyman was epic, Heyman was the star of that.  Punk was made to fight the likes of Ryback and Axel, who did not bring out the best in Punk.  Punk looks fully engaged and I’m excited to see what’s upcoming.
6. The Wyatt Family (1) – Yet another rematch of the previous night’s PPV.  It might not be today, tomorrow or the day after that but at some point, the PPV buying audience will revolt against this ass-fisting from the WWE.  Back to the Wyatts (it’s not them who book these matches), they have more abandoned plot lines than Lost had.  Who is sister Abigail?  Who is the “devil” that makes them do things?  Why do they light a gas lantern, blow it out, come out with a “turned on” electric lantern, then BLOW out the electric lantern and how does that act turn on and off the lights of the arena?  Is there any significance to Rowan wearing a gas station attendant’s uniform?  Does he supplement his income by working on the other wrestler’s cars?  What’s the purpose of the lamb mask?  How does Bray Wyatt, who lives in a swamp, keep his white pants so fresh and so clean clean?  Now that they have Bryan, what’s going to happen with him?  Why did they go after Punk in the first place?  What did they do with Kane?  The list of questions goes on and on…but I’m still a fan.  (FYI, I was a fan of Lost all the way to the final episode too, which I loved.  Interpret that info however you’d like.)
7. Daniel Bryan (1) – You have to feel a little sorry for Bryan.  He’s a skilled wrestler.  He’s got a gimmick that’s popular beyond my comprehension.  Few have worked as hard to get were he’s gotten.  Yet next to Punk, he’s still an amateur.  Other than all that, he’s fine.  As with Punk, I have no idea what’s going on with him and the Wyatts.
8. Big E Langston and Mark Henry (8/N/A) – As stated, one of the biggest pet peeves my crew has is that we pay $60 for a match on PPV and the very next night you get the same match for free on RAW.  This time, the WWE squished together the Henry / Ryback and the Big E / Axel matches.  What’s worse is that I enjoyed this superpower group better than either of the PPV singles matches.  Big E and Henry aren’t on “Watch the Throne” level pop-culturally but they’re certainly the strongest supergroup ever.  While both wrestlers can be creatively attractive individually, Big E could be TAZ 2.0 and Henry’s “This is what I Do” persona, they might be awesome together.  Neither seems to be on a path for a tag team run but I wouldn’t be against seeing what these two could do in the tag team mix.  Oh well, in another life I guess (or wait six months, it’s wrestling for god’s sake, anything could happen).
9. HHH and Stephanie (3) – They’ve become difficult to rank.  I love them, even with limited screen time, and the whole WWE universe rotates around their actions.  The problem is that their performance has been the same week after week.  Maybe I should lower my expectations.  After all, they are actually running the show and let’s not forget how out of hand it used to get when Vince seemed to have his hands in every plot line.  They’re always integral in the WWE championship and are usually the stars of most of the back stage shenanigans.  They’re now spearheading the unification plans for the two championships (which should strengthen the US and IC belts in the long run).  As far as their importance, they rank near the top.  As far as their quality of work, they’ve been fabulous.  Where’s the problem?  It’s the same each week.  Don’t get me wrong, the week they weren’t there I missed them terribly.  They need to switch it up, maybe just go all out and be directly involved in every match or sit ringside all night or split up and each handle half the roster.  They’re too good to waste on the same bit each week.  Every once in a while they, as the show runners, need to throw a curveball.  Maybe they’ll flop here and there but HHH and Stephanie have proven to be more than capable.  If I was going to trust anyone and give someone the benefit of the doubt, it would be HHH and Stephanie.  Go on you crazy kids, try something new.
10. Dolph Ziggler (12) – I thought the burying of Ziggler had run its course last week when he and Sandow had to fight in a honky-tonk match (it’s up to you if you want to waste your time finding the real name of that match, I’ve got masturbating to do and fires to set).  You’ve got to give both wrestlers credit for turning chicken-shit into chicken-salad (I think that’s the phrase but I didn’t grow up on a farm and I’m not a fan of mayo so I’m not sure).  As you’ve probably gathered, I’m all about direction and good wrestlers doing well.  Once is a chance, twice is a coincidence and a third time is a charm…(I don’t know what’s up with me and these saying?).  Anyway, what was a one time mess looks to be a multi-week mess BUT it spawns a nice feud between two wrestlers that have been underutilized.  Having said that, and knowing they split the first two matches of this horrible trilogy, we’ve at least a mother week of these fan voted matches.  Then two more weeks until the TLC PPV which hopefully will conclude this feud, leaving both wrestlers in a better spot than they are now.  Hopefully. 
11. Damien Sandow (13) – In yet another stupid fan chosen match (at this point, I don’t believe there is a fan vote or if it matters because what’s the difference between a street fight, lumberjack or hard core match?  na’thing!) and yes, to answer the question given, Sandow is above this.  Neither he nor Ziggler deserve this treatment.  But someone has to throw themselves on the “we need to push more people to the app” grenade.  Let’s all be grateful it’s two wrestlers that can make these silly matches somewhat entertaining.  At the end of the day, I have the same hope and optimism for Sandow as I do for Ziggler, but since I have to put them in an order, Ziggler is better.
12. Rey Mysterio (N/A) – It’s been said, Rey isn’t 100% healthy and the eye test tells me to believe the rumors.  He’s not popping up during his entrances and in both the PPV and tonight on RAW he looked like he was squeezing every drop into the few spots he participated in.  It’s nice to have him back.  The kids have someone they can relate to and scream for.  I don’t know how much staying power he can have if he’s not flying around the ring and being able to put on a solo 10 minute match.
13. Kofi Kingston (14) – Dressed in blue merch from head to toe (it must mean he now gets a cut from sales), he looks like dreadlocks-smurf.  It’s a funny thing, I’d roll my eyes at yet another “angry black man” by the WWE but in this case I want Kofi to get a little more badass.  Angry Kofi kicks ass and his character would be better served with a little edge.  If this feud with Miz leaves Kofi with a chip on his shoulder and Miz as the heel that we mark fans liked, I’m happy.  Sure it was trust upon us in less time than it takes for Daniel Bryan to be stripped of a title win but it’s all a means to an end.  One of the hot topics at the nerd conclave, I mean our wrestling party, was that the WWE roster as a whole is thin.  However we can get bigger and better characters, I’m all for.
14. The Miz / Titus O’Neil / Michael Strahan (15/M.I.A./special guest) – One of the all-time Miz TV host of all-time…wait what?  Yeah, Miz got a little carried away with himself.  It’s not every day you get the black Regis on your fake WWE TV show.  The adrenaline must have been pumping.  The recent heel turn for Miz was as sudden as it was needed.  Say what you will about Miz, he was aimlessly floating around but at least now, as a heel, he’s got something to do and assumably somewhere to go.  Bringing out Titus O’Neil as Michael Strahan let Miz push his heel turn (and remind people of his résumé) and also proved that O’Neil wasn’t dead or fired (just last week I HM’d the Prime Time Players).  Now if only we could get Darren Young out of the WWE closet.  I wonder what’s harder to overcome, coming out of THE closet or get stuck in the WWE closet?  Or hardest yet would be to bail out of a bad bit?  Luckily, Miz was back out later in the night to take on Kofi.  It was a solid match.  I won’t bitch about it being another rematch from the PPV because it was part of the free pre-show.  
15. Alberto Del Rio (5) – This poor bastard has the worse timing.  It seems like every time ADR is about to take off, something or someone comes up and derails his push.  ADR won the World belt and was set to take on and uplift the second tier wrestlers.  All of the sudden, Cena comes back early and instantly takes the strap and ADR is closer to being buried than to ascending to greatness.  At least now we know why the championship changed so fast and why Cena had to win it.  As with many things in the WWE universe, there’s a bigger picture.  I don’t know where this leaves ADR?  I’m leaning toward liking the unification storyline, the problem is one less championship which means one less thing for the wrestlers to accomplish.  It means the writers have to come up with more engaging story lines that don’t only involve wrestlers chasing a title.  There just isn’t enough gold to go around. 
16. R-Truth and Xavier Woods (10) – In what has become the most unlikely and mind-blowing arc, we’re in week two of the Ron Killings mentorship program.  Xavier Woods took over Sweet T’s spot?  As silly as the Funkasaurus gimmick is to us older folks, you’ve got to feel bad for Brodus Clay because Clay was talked about but didn’t even come out to his own music and valets.  In the wrestling world, that’s like straight pissing on someone.  Maybe this will lead to Clay and Sweet-T taking on Woods and Truth to get their gimmick back?  Or maybe this is the WWE version of a reboot?  Whatever’s going on, it’s all a little odd.  Xavier Woods is the kind of character that personifies the WWE’s racial insensitivity that I’ve grown up on, which means he has already earn a little place in my heart.  Go on with your bad self Mr. Woods.
17. The Big Show (11) – Best in small doses.  That’s why the RAW match worked better than the PPV match.  I’ll abide by the same rule for his ranking.  Better in small doses.  The end, NEXT…
18. Curtis Axel and Ryback (17/16) – What can be said about these two that NOBODY is saying.  These two are the black holes of the WWE universe.  They suck in all the light and fun until it’s crushed into nothing but smashed particles.  Even that sounds too much like a good wrestling metaphor.  I don’t know and don’t care what either of these two are doing.  Wake me up when Goldberg comes back to fight Ryback.  Or they reanimate Mr. Perfect’s corpse to fight Axel.  Oh, note to self, send Zombie wrestler dad vs Human son idea to Walking Dead writers.  Better note to self, write new buddy cop movie: Zombie dad and Human son in buddy cop movie called “Cemetery Hills Cop” or “Stop or My Dead Dad Will Shoot” or “Bullet to the Head 2: Death is Only Temporary” or “Not Without My Slaughter.”  Note to self, work on title.
19. 3MB (19) – Sooooo can someone tell me how 3MB suddenly appeared on my TV?  I was watching R-Truth, Xavier Woods and the Funkadactyls.  Then suddenly 3MB was at ringside.  Ditching their great gimmick of a new persona each week based on the city they’re in was disappointing.  Could it be there’s nothing to do you do for Long Island?  Nah, they could have all three members dressed up like Fran Drescher.  See, for anyone under 30, there was a show called The Nanny (not to be confused with the Hulk Hogan film vehicle from the 90’s) which was inexplicably very popular.  It was during a time when you only had 125 channels of TV and before internet.  I know, the horror.  How did we live as people with only 125 TV channels and NO internet?  It was a simpler time.  Back then there was only one ESPN and the only interactivity was a channel called The Box.  Here’s a pic that sums up everything you need to know about 3MB.  Three random dudes, not looking that thrilled to be at work.  The one unfortunate soul that has to wrestle has the look every old male porn star has, “Well, I ain’t getting any younger and someone has to cash this check.  Let’s do this.  Is she clean?  Aww, who cares.  Let’s get this over with.  I get paid up front.”
    
20. Real Divas vs Total Divas ‘Series match (N/A) – remember when I said the WWE was stealing from buyers of their PPVs when they put on the same match the next night free on RAW?  Well, I would say they did it again but who watched the Divas match at Survivor Series anyway?  In all seriousness, I’ll take off my sexist cap and give the broads the same respect.  To put on the exact same match, EXACT SAME, is stealing from the PPV audience.  Although, it was funny last night that between half a dozen hardcore wrestling fans no one could name all the women on Team AJ.  Very reminiscent of the 2007 Cleveland Cavaliers.  Is this match still going on?  I close my eyes and I feel like I can still see this match burned into my corneas.  Special shout out to Naomi (or whatever her real name is on Total Divas) she’s shown a glimpse of in-ring talent.  It wouldn't be fair if I didn’t point that out.  

Honorable Mentions

SAN-TIN-OOOOOO – How dare the Long Island crowd chant bullshit during a Santino bit.  Sure it made no sense, but you do not boo the Great Santino!

The Kosher Butcher – All I’ve got to say is that guy must have donated a shit-ton of money to get that spot and was allowed to do whatever he wanted in the third hour of RAW.  There’s a roster of employees who would kill each other to get that much face time on RAW.  Congrats and thank you for your generous donation to hurricane Sandy relief.

Mick Foley – The hardcore salesman.  I will always love and respect Cactus Jack / Mankind / Dude Love but he wasn’t the best pitchman during this run of salesman one-upmanship.  To be honest, Foley is much more interesting when you hear him interviewed out of character and he gets to be just Mick Foley.

The birth of Christ – I don’t particularly give weight to the whole “war on christmas” thing but if there was any evidence that someone wanted to give me that this “war” existed, I’d advise using Christmas Bounty as exhibit A.  Easter can’t get here fast enough so that Jesus can die (only to come back and die again; that’s quite a religion you’ve got there) so as to not be subjugated to the mockery wwe’ve made of his birth.

500 lbs – Is it me or did Big Show loose weight?  Not in an actual physical way but it seemed that all night everyone made sure they said Big Show weighed 450 pounds.  I thought the idea was that he was 7 feet tall and 500 pounds, which made him a giant.  Now he’s only 450 lbs?  Does the WWE have a new campaign for fitness?  Is Big Show insulted by being called 500 lbs and wanted to be called 450 (as if it makes a difference)?  Was being called 500 lbs causing him to have problems enrolling in Obamacare?  I want to know what the reason for the weight change?

Side Note(s)

As mentioned earlier, there was a lively debate over 90’s rap albums.  We’re trying to put a podcast together to best break this down, but in the meantime I’ll be putting up a link to a post later this week because we NEED YOUR HELP.  The debate got intense and heated.  Top 10 lists were being thrown around like Wu-Tang ninja stars.  To help us settle this debate, and feel free to add to it, I’ll be posting three separate lists, the authors of each list will be redacted so we can get a non biased answer to who had the best Top-10 (w/ 5 honorable mentions) 90’s rap albums.  It will go up later this week and hopefully you can help declare a winner.  More to come…

Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving weekend.  It’s my favorite holiday of the year.  I cook, I eat, I watch lot of TV and get 4 days to relax.  In a former life it was one of the best sports gambling weekends of the year, but that’s for another blog and another day.  In all seriousness, we live in the best country in the world and even though times are tough and the world seems like a huge broken down mess (you can’t turn on the news without a Xanax prescription but if you don’t have one they’ll have an ad for Cymbalta you can ask your doctor about), things could always be worse.  There isn’t a person in Syria, Congo, Bolivia or any other war torn or impoverish country that wouldn't change places with the poorest person in the United States and for the freedoms we have.  

Until next week…